So you tell me there is a girl that you have been fantasizing over for years and are madly in love with. I’m sure she is unlike any other woman that you have ever met.
She’s smart, beautiful, funny and there is such a great connection between you and her. The only problem is…you’re just a friend, that’s it. You wonder “Can I actually turn it into something more?
The answer to that will always be the same…you can’t. If there isn’t any real attraction between you and the girl from the get go there is NOTHING you can do about it. No amount of lines or telling her how you feel will get her to change her mind about you.
The movie industry screws with a lot of guys minds by making them believe that you can turn a friendship into something sexual or romantic. What works in the movies doesn’t work in real life.
Playing Peter Gabriel outside of her window won’t make her fall head over heals for you. No, she won’t read your romantic love letter that you have worked on for years and want to jump into bed with you. Sadly many men have to learn this lesson the hard way.
Even worse than the movie industries portrayal of this unfortunate situation is the Internet. I did a quick google search on ‘how to turn a friend into a lover’ and got over 15 million responses. I clicked on a couple of the results to see what kind of false hope they were giving people.
Not one of these sites were able to tell the truth about this predicament. They all stated that is was very possible to turn a friendship around. One site even offered a spell that you can use to enchant the woman.
When you first approach or meet a woman she puts you into one of two categories…yes or no. Yes, she is attracted to you or no she has no attraction for you.
If you get lumped into the ‘no’ category there is nothing you can do to change her mind. You are forever branded as a no.
With that being said there are a bunch of claims of friendships turning into relationships out there. These claims are a little misleading. What happens here is one of two things:
1. The woman decided to settle for a guy she wasn’t attracted to
or…
2. There was attraction from the beginning but for whatever reason it never escalated any further
Many times women will settle for a guy that they really aren’t that attracted to physically or sexually. This happens for a variety of reasons:
1. Tired of looking for the right guy so she takes what’s available to her
2. Desires to get married more than getting married to the right guy
3. Feels like she can’t do any better. Low self esteem goes hand and hand with loneliness. Everyone at some point just wants someone to be there for them. Unfortunately for her there are few options available except for the guy who has loved her for so long.
4. Knows that the guy is in love with her and will do anything she says. It’s a sad story but many people like to control others. Their self esteem and lack of real power drives them to find people that will worship them and do anything they want. They aren’t too concerned with love as they are with admiration and control.
When there is attraction from the start but nothing happens the option of taking it further is always available. For whatever reason the both of them never got together. They may have been dating other people at the time or their schedules might have been too busy for a relationship.
In these situations they are “friends” but there was always an undertone of attraction. There is always something beneath their communication that stated that they liked one another.
Later down the road, if the conditions are right, they might get together and start a relationship. They were technically friends before that time but there was always some attraction in the mix.
This is how me and my girlfriend got together. We met during school but for whatever reason never took it past innocent flirting. Years later we got back in contact with each other and started dating. That was over two and a half years ago.
What if I get my insecurities handled and become confident? Will that help?
Some men believe that after they get their act together with women that they will have a chance with that one girl. This is a pipe dream that never comes to fruition.
To me, to truly be great with women is to have a ‘take em or leave em’ type of attitude. You would enjoy being surrounded with lots of women but you don’t need it to be happy.
When you get better with women in hopes of getting that one special girl you are showing extreme neediness. You are changing everything about yourself completely just for one woman.
You are doing it for HER and not for YOURSELF. If you change everything just to get her to like you it will never work because of you are still needy. If you hadn’t guessed neediness is not an attractive quality to have
What do I do now?
There is a ray of hope that can come from your situation. You can learn from the mistakes you made with this girl and not repeat them over and over. You can learn what is actually attractive to women.
I won’t go into detail about what you can do to become more attractive because I provide a lot of tips on this site.
As well, I take an in depth look at approaching women on my upcoming product ‘The Natural Approach: Inner Game Solutions to Approaching’ It’s a product dedicated to getting your insecurities, fears and ANY other issues handled around women so you can approach them with ease.
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey there Alex,
I agree with you one hundred percent on that first impression thing. Yes or no. My question relates to a situation of my own. If as you said a girl’s first thought was a ‘yes,’ and this was confirmed at the beginning, but from that point a few misunderstandings occurred, which resulted in a close friendship, would it be possible to salvage those previous romantic feelings, since if they were there in the first place, they still might be, or if they’re gone, they’re gone.
Thanks for your time, and the advice broseph
How do you come up with this stuff. This is great.
Broseph? haha nice. There are no real misunderstandings when it comes to attraction. The fact that you are wondering if it’s possible if you can turn it into a yes gives me a huge indication as to why you are a no. Simply put, you care and are attached to this a girl a little too much.
“Whether she comes, stays, lays or prays your toes are still tappin”-Fast Times at Fast Times at Ridgemont High. This is a good belief or frame to adapt. No matter what she does or chooses you are still ok with or without her. If there is a misunderstanding and you are only friends that’s ok. If there is no misunderstanding and she wants to fuck your brains out that’s ok too. Either way your toes are still tapping.
Haha alrighty, I feel better about moving on from this now. Thanks again for being straightforward, and keep on keepin’ on with what you do, you’re doing a great job.
I just stumbled across your blog doing a google search on inner game and found it very interesting and have lots of good advice. Things I didn’t understand before suddenly make sense now
I am really interested to know what your opinion is on arranged marriages which is common in the Eastern Cultures. A decision not based on romance or emotion but practicality. Your parents choose based education, social background, etc as well as your interests. You know all the facts about the person but you don’t get to know the person until after marriage.
I think it’s up to the individual who they want to marry. They may have gone to a good college, parents come from money etc. but odds are it won’t make you happy. Happiness and love is not determined by statistics and convenience.
I understand your family will probably hate you, if not kick you out of the family completely, but that’s the choice you will have to make. Freedom or family? Dying in fear or living with courage? Two choices equal with benefits and consequences. Whatever you choose, understand that it is you who ultimately makes the choice.
With that said, I would never enter into a situation that didn’t allow me to have a say in the matter. Parents who arrange marriages are more like prison guards in a facility than people looking out for your best interest. They tell you when to eat, what to do and who to marry.