You have listened to her complain about the jerk who treated her badly countless times only to watch her go out with him again and again. All of your selfless acts fall to the wayside only to hear about her mistreatment the following week.
You are left in pit of despair and confusing as the mantra “nice guy’s finish last” repeats in your head. “When will she wake up? When will she realize that there is a nice guy who will treat her the way she deserves to be treated sitting right here?”
She will never realize this because you aren’t in fact a nice guy. Appearances can be deceiving and the “nice guy” act is one of the biggest deceptions around.
On the surface nice guys appear to be selfless, kind, caring human beings but this is far from the truth. Beneath their generous acts and humble words lurks something darker. A dark side few nice guys care to admit because nice guys aren’t really that nice.
Here is a paraphrase from the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy”
” :
Nice Guys avoid conflict.
Nice Guys hold contempt for women.
Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority.
Nice Guys lack conviction in their opinions or beliefs. Typically they will wait and see what the popular opinion is before taking a stand. If a rift happens in the group they will wait to see who is winning before taking a side.
Nice Guys lack loyalty. They develop a chameleon like type of behavior when interacting with others. If one member of a group doesn’t like another the nice guy will take on the belief of whoever they around. One day they will talk badly of one member and the next they will reverse their opinion.
Nice Guys are dishonest. They hide their mistakes and say what they think people want to hear. They will say pretty much anything to gain the approval of others.
Nice Guys are secretive. They are so driven to seek approval that they will hide anything they believe might upset anyone.
Nice Guys are manipulative. They have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want clearly, so they feel powerless and result to manipulation.
Nice Guys are controlling in order to keep their world smooth.
Nice Guys give to get and expect some kind of reciprocation.
Nice Guys are passive-aggressive.
Nice Guys are full of rage, a rage which tends to erupt at some of the most unexpected and seemingly inappropriate times.
Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries, and instead feel like victims.
Nice Guys are attracted to people and situations that need fixing.
Nice Guys are terrible listeners because they are too busy trying to figure out how to defend themselves or fix the other person’s problem.
Nice Guys form relationships with partners who are “projects” or “diamonds in the rough.”
And Nice Guys tend to swing back and forth between the nice side and the dark side.
Reframing Being a “Nice” Guy
If you have found yourself in any of these qualities odds are that you are a “nice” guy. While nice guys do have some redeeming qualities overall they lack mature emotional balance.
Their overall theme in life is one of seeking approval. They want everyone to like them because on a fundamental level they don’t like themselves. They reach out for the approval of others because they aren’t content with their own.
They want to be liked by everyone but the truth is that NO MATTER what you do NOT EVERYONE will like you. You can’t please the entire crowd so it’s not worth the effort. There are some people that will despise you because of your desire to be liked. You are playing a game that you can never win.
Every time you try to be a nice guy at the cost of your integrity or your honesty you are hurting yourself. It may be a small little lie or agreeing with something that you don’t truly believe in but you are just making your situation worse.
Honesty, integrity and courage are at the core of confidence and high self esteem. Every time you sacrifice one of these principles you are chipping away at your self esteem. Do this long enough and there will be nothing left.
Recovering From Being “Nice” Guy
The first step is to become aware of your “nice” guy tendencies. Awareness is half the battle in conquering any issue. You can’t fix something that you don’t know is broken.
Be aware of every nice act that you preform and understand the real motivation behind it. Ask yourself “did I do this just to be nice or to be liked? Did I put the needs of others above my own just for their approval? Was my nice gesture genuine or was it done with the intention of getting something in return?”
On some level you understand what your motivation behind every nice act is. You know that you are doing it for approval. Your mind re-enforces these “nice” acts in two ways:
1. Rationalizing your behavior
2. Judging others for not doing what you do
The most common rationalization for your behavior that your mind will create is “I’m just trying to be nice.” Every lie, manipulation and bending over backwards for people will be rationalized by this thought.
A nice guy judges others for not being a nice as him. A martyr has a load of resentment towards people who don’t do the things that he does. They create an arrogance and draw part of their self esteem from having a better than you type of attitude.
If you look deeper into this judgment you will find jealousy. They are jealous of the people who have boundaries, aren’t self sacrificing for others and can get what they desire. They wish they could do the same but would run the risk of losing the validation they so desperately crave.
If you look at how much a nice guy judges a jerk you will see mass amounts of jealousy. He judges the jerk for the way he treats the girl, but in reality he wishes he could have her. He can’t be with her so he resorts to bitterness and taking a holier than thou route.
The second step is to drop this habit. This step can be very difficult because some of you have been practicing “nice” guy behaviors for most of your life. The external validation that you receive from others can become very addicting. Here are some ways you can put an end to this “nice” guy act:
-Start saying no to people. Write out a list of things that you do simply because you want to be liked and stop doing them. You should end up saying no to people far more than you say yes.
It’s not wrong to do for others but only if it’s done on your own terms. Help people out but only if you truly want to and without the expectation of getting something in return.
-Get your priorities in line and never break them. The needs of others should come fourth on your list of priorities below your health, integrity and your mission.
-Make honesty and integrity a priority above being liked, it will help you sleep better at night. Also become more open with your opinion and more upfront with people.
-Learn to draw your self esteem and approval from within. Being liked by others isn’t a bad thing but it becomes one when it’s your only means of feeling good about yourself.
-Develop a spine and start to stand up for yourself. It’s impossible to truly love yourself and draw self esteem from within if you are letting people walk all over you. Every time you let someone treat you badly your self esteem drops just a little bit more.
-Adopt the frame of “hey, I’m not for everyone.” Get used to the fact that whatever you do not everyone is going to like you. It’s ironic that once you let go of trying to get people to love you the more love you will draw into your life.
-”I trust the universe to supply my abundance and prosperity.” That nagging voice in the back of your head will be right when it tells you that being more authentic and honest will cause most of your “friends” to go bye bye. They will be upset over losing their doormat and nice guy friend who will do anything for them.Get over it and trust the universe to supply you with friends.
There will be a transition period were you will lose a good bit of your friends. By weathering the grace period you will allow better and more genuine friends to come into your life. Your life will be filled with more abundance than you can handle.
Try a 30 day challenge in order to change your “nice” guy behaviors. Take 30 days and completely change your behavior. Make a commitment for 30 days to standing up for yourself and not being so nice.
Tell as many people as possible so you are forced to keep this commitment. If you have a nice guy friend show him this article and make him your support buddy during this 30 day challenge.
Going full out for 30 days straight will help you change your behavior and beliefs on a deep level. At the end of the month it will be extremely difficult to go back to who you used to be. The new “not so nice guy” behaviors will be programed and ingrained into you.
You will be taking a large risk by dropping the “nice” guy act and it may feel safer to keep things just the way they are. So if you are satisfied with the fact that the only time a woman gets wet around you is when she is crying on your shoulder then I suggest that you continue on that path. But if you aren’t happy with your life or your success with women then I think it’s time for a change.
To get further help riding yourself of the “nice” guy within or any other issues you are having click here to sign up for a personal one on one phone consultation
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Nice article. Underneath that “nice guy” exterior is many times lurking a very ugly, immature little brat.
This is another article I enjoyed on this topic:
http://www.wikihow.com/Break-the-%22Nice-Guy%22-Stereotype
Hello thar,
Spot on article, not much I can say other than I agree. Keep up the good work.
Hahaha I love the line “If you are satisfied with the fact that the only time a woman gets wet around you is when she is crying on your shoulder then I suggest that you continue on that path.”
Gold my man, gold. Between you an Alex Kay’s site, a guy could really turn his life around. Big thanks for the good reads
Thanks a lot guys and girl. Alex Kay’s site does have a lot of great stuff on there. It’s similar to my site in that the advice is a lot different then most sites in that it helps you solve your problems instead of just giving you a band aid to cover up your issues.
Ive been a “nice guy” my entire life, I still am and trying to change my behaviours. Its a slap in face when I realised so many things that I wouldn’t or would say to please others, to avoid conflicts, confrontations. I wouldn’t argue or fight with anybody even if they would walk all over me, I thought: just let it be let it go, well letting go its all good but maybe later on.
Its great to have somebody that can see through your programming,
and tell you where your ego is tricking you, Ive done some phone consultations with Alex and it really helped me to realize some deep issues of mine, one in particular that Ive been struggling for years.
Thanks,
Thanks for the promotion. Anyone interested in doing a phone consultation check out the phone consultation page at the top. I don’t speak at you or just throw information at you. I work to get to the bottom of your specific issues to get your inner game confidence handled.
I’ve updated this article and added a little bit more to it at the end
Fucking amazing, this hit the issue dead shit on the head. wow. Thank you. More then you will ever know.
No problem Tyler, tell your friends
Nice guys aren’t nice at all. Pathetic people milling about in self-pity are more morbid than nice. The tail-tuck attitude insisted upon by many institutions certainly exacerbates the problem. Your article will help such people also. Nice work.
thanks Alex. Your writing has spoken directly to me. To the point and practical. No more Mr. Nice Guy for me. I have already seen results! kudos
Hell yes. Nice guys aren’t nice, they’re wimps. How can they respect a woman when they don’t respect themselves? I have seen too many men moan over the nice guy/jerk dichotomy, and I can’t stand it. Be a genuine guy with self-respect; then you don’t have to chose between them.
Women have scolded me for refusing to interact with nice guys, not seeing the manipulativeness. I don’t like jerks either, though. I want a real person, like anyone real does. I hope this gets guys to wake up.
Thank you so much, i’m tired of reading articles about so-called “nice guys.” This is definitely one of the best articles on the subject of nice guys i’ve ever read. i especially like how you point out that nice guys judge others for not acting like them because i think this is a big point that really turns people away. I know it annoys the hell out of me.
Excuse the cliche but you really hit the nail on the head. Great Article
@ Lynn Thanks , I’ll forgive you for the cliche. People are very intuitive and can feel when someone judges them. Their words might not be judgmental but you can feel the energy and the truth behind it.
@Barb Glad to see other women waking up to the nice guy syndrome. Some women will use a nice guy for validation for years without thinking twice about it.
Guy’s, women like Barb are the women to go for. They aren’t like your normal unaware type of women. They have self respect and most importantly self esteem. Those things make relationships a million times easier to have.
@Joe Thanks for the love. I try to make it as practical as possible. Some articles include steps that you can take and others don’t. The articles that don’t have steps are designed to make you aware of an issue. Awareness is the key to getting over your problems.
@M.Hartz Thanks a lot for stopping by. This article will help people so tell your “nice” guy friends about it
Alex,
I just discovered your website a couple days ago and your articles are totally changing my approach to life. For 30 years I have been a ridiculously nice guy, an absolute SLAVE to other people’s approval. My jaw dropped as I read this article- I share EVERY trait of the ‘nice guy.’ I’m absolutely miserable. Things have to change. I’m afraid of losing people’s approval in the process, but so be it. I doubt I can feel much worse. So I am taking small steps every day to be more honest with myself and with others. In any situation, I am asking myself, “am I being ‘nice’ here because I WANT TO, or because I’m searching for approval? Am I being ‘nice’ because I want something in return?” But I need some help.
You can’t be honest all the time, can you? Take for example, a dilemma I currently face. One of my close friends is in a band. And I think his band is awful. He’s always asking me to come to his shows, and if I’m free, I usually go, but I can’t stand it because they are so bad and there are generally only 5 other people in the audience. I’m so uncomfortable at his shows that lately I’ve been downright lying and making up excuses. Lying doesn’t make me feel good; I’d much rather be ‘nice.’
He is a friend, and I do want to support him in what he does. But sometimes I can’t tell if I’m going to his shows to help support him, or, that I fear that I will not appear ‘nice’ and I will lose a friend/approval. I feel like only a complete a$$hole would say, “dude, you guys SUCK. I’m not going to your show.” So therefore you can’t always be honest- we have to make SOME compromises to be in a civil society, right?
Can you help a little bit with some line-drawing here? You can’t always tell people how you feel. I feel like there are times you just have to suck it up and be nice. Do you think you could draw this line of thinking out a little bit? (There are plenty examples of times where I feel you just SHOULD be nice; the situation with my friend’s band is just one example). Thanks- it would be really ‘nice’ of you!
-NMMNG
@NoMoreMrNiceGuy: As always, things are not black and white, and there is room for politeness and sensitivity in honesty. Moreover, there is a difference in liking what someone is doing, and in supporting that same thing. Can you think of some way to let your friend know what you think of his band, but also let him know that you do love him and support him in doing whatever it is that he wants to do?
If I was playing in a band, and my friend found the band awful, I would want him to tell me so straight to my face. If he wasn’t telling me, he’d not be much of a friend, would he?
Well. This is of course much harder to actually do than it is to say or write. I know I regularly fall into this trap, but that’s the way life is.
Every once in a while my girlfriend will come home with clothes that I absolutely hate. She tries them on, shows them off and I will tell her that I hate them. No hesitation, no concern for her feelings, just an honest and straight forward answer. I don’t do it in a malicious way to try and hurt her but I tell her the truth.
It’s that level of honesty that makes her most attracted to me. If I were to try and be nice by hiding my true feelings then her attraction would surely fade. I know you aren’t trying to attract your friend ( or you would be on a completely different site) but the same lessons apply.
I made the decision a long time ago to choose honesty over everything else. I’ll be honest before friends, family, jobs, anything. Honesty, self respect, integrity means more to me than those things because when I close my eyes at night there is only me.
David made a good point, if you can’t be honest with them and keep them as friends then they aren’t really truly your friends. If they like you because you are a certain way then it’s called conditional love. They love you for who you pretend to be but will toss you aside if you stray from the mold.
What you need to strive for is unconditional love and find people to love you for the REAL you, not who they want you to be. Life is too short to spend time with people who set up conditions for friendship. Learn to develop a love me or hate me type of attitude and you will develop genuine friendships.
Tell him the truth and you might lose a “friend” but at least you won’t have to listen to his crappy band butcher cover songs anymore.
“Nice” article. I show a quite a few of these traits, although i have been alot more honest with others and myself recentle.J just through life experience i guess. I just ended my marriage because i found interest from another girl which made me realise i didn’t actually love my wife. I was just in a comfort zone but lost any emotion i once had. Anyway, I made a move on this girl who claimed to fancy me only to get a knock back. Looking at it now i think she was just trying to boost my confidence. Because I told everyone of my friends about this girl fancying me I now look like a fool. I’m glad for the experience though. If you self indulge too much you will never better yourslef.
I did get an incredibly low feeling inside after about halfway though this article.
But i cheered up alot when i read your advice on how to be more honest with yourself. Brutal, but true. Thanks
Thanks a lot Greg. Sinking feeling followed by a rise seems to be the common reaction to this article-exactly what I was shooting for.
Wow - “Hey, I’m not for everyone” has to be some of the best advice I’ve ever received. Really good stuff.
Hi Alex,
Very nice article for a nice guy. I lived a life of NICE GUY for so many years. People making fun of me, and I just smile. I get that so many times, “He is a nice guy”. You get hurt a lot being a nice guy. Situations became very hard as poking fun, doing extra work at office. I read a lot on the internet how to stop being a nice guy and how to make make people feel that you mean a serious business. I have changed a lot since then.
One advice: Dont try to please anybody. They will take you serious….
Alex,
I was raised to be “nice”, im not all those things listed above, but i am a couple of them. I have the idea in my mind that no girl should be anything other than happy. They say they wish every guy could be like me. Bull shit. This article has helped me see what i am doing. I realized i am jealous of jerks. I have had 1 gf and im 18. i have alot of friends that r girls, but thats as far as it gets. I don’t like what i am, so im going to try that 30 day thing.
This checklist is so funny, as about half of it actually describes a nice guy friend I used to have back in California named Mike. He was the nice guy 3/4 of the time, but he did have that devious dark side that would come through the other 1/4 of the time, giving hints at the truth.
To give you an idea of how accurate your checklist is, I’ll mention the traits that you wrote about which matched him to a T, which my comments about how it applied to Mike:
__________
Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority. - Yes, true in Mike’s case as he was so busy giving generously of his time, energy and personal resources to girls in trouble. He was always the guy taking care of others, not the guy whose needs were being met.
Nice Guys lack conviction in their opinions or beliefs - Kinda sorta. Mike would play this game where he’d purposely bait people into an argument, taking on the opposite point of view JUST to get the other person riled up and fighting. Then after like a half an hour of back and forth, he’d admit that he didn’t really believe that, and he was just kidding. So who knows what his actual beliefs really were.
Nice Guys lack loyalty. They develop a chameleon like type of behavior when interacting with others. If one member of a group doesn’t like another the nice guy will take on the belief of whoever they around. One day they will talk badly of one member and the next they will reverse their opinion. - YES! This was SO Mike. I even used that word when describing him - chameleon. He would change who he was depending on who he was hanging out with. It drove me nuts!!
Nice Guys are dishonest. They hide their mistakes and say what they think people want to hear. They will say pretty much anything to gain the approval of others. - Saying what people want to hear, yes, that was Mike. Ties in with being the chameleon who flip flops around based on who he’s hanging out with.
Nice Guys are secretive. They are so driven to seek approval that they will hide anything they believe might upset anyone. - Yes, Mike always had a bit of secretiveness about him, but he eventually became a secretive hermit on top of it.
Nice Guys are controlling in order to keep their world smooth. - From what I gather of Mike’s relationship with his wife now, he’s the one in control dictating where they live, how things go, etc. She’s subservient to him, and has no choice because it’s his way or the highway, even at first glance he’s “the nice guy.” Also Mike made everybody come to him and seek him out - it wasn’t the other way around.
Nice Guys give to get and expect some kind of reciprocation. - Mike gave of himself and his resources endlessly to girls who were in trouble, myself included, and yes, as I apparently realized later on, it was with the hope and expectation of reciprocation, in the form of getting laid or becoming his girlfriend.
Nice Guys are passive-aggressive. - Yes, Mike definitely had this trait too.
Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries, and instead feel like victims. - Yes, ties into how Mike gave generously of himself, his time and his resources to all girls in trouble. I don’t know if he felt like a victim per se, but boundaries for him were a problem for sure. So many examples I could cite…..
Nice Guys are attracted to people and situations that need fixing. - YES! Mike was always attracted to dysfunctional fixer-uppers who needed him to “take care of them.” The girls from bad families who were abused and drank too much and slept around too much and had kids they couldn’t afford with guys that ran off on them and who couldn’t get their acts together. One girlfriend was so bad he even appointed himself in charge of her finances to try to get her back on track. So if she needed her own money she had to go through him, and he managed all of her bill paying. (Although she loved it, since it was the first time any guy had looked out for her like that.) Lots of stories of Mike’s various fixer-uppers!
Nice Guys are terrible listeners because they are too busy trying to figure out how to defend themselves or fix the other person’s problem. - Mike seemed to be a good listener, but yeah he was a problem fixer too. The impression I get now in looking back was that he wasn’t really listening because he cared, so much as maybe because it could lead to “something else.” So his care and concern was more or less superficial.
Nice Guys form relationships with partners who are “projects” or “diamonds in the rough.” YES! See comments above about “fixer uppers.” Same deal.
And Nice Guys tend to swing back and forth between the nice side and the dark side. - YES! See previous comments about Mike’s 3/4 nice side and 1/4 dark side.
John,
Make sure you understand the distinction between who you are and what you do. All of your ‘nice’ guy behavior is not who you are but simply what you do. So when you say “I don’t like who I am” you are treating yourself badly which will cause low self esteem and no girls. Learn to separate what you do and who you are or you will dig yourself deeper into a depressive state.
I never thought all of my issues could be summed up in an internet article.
You’ve nailed my personality to a T, and your suggestions are very enlightening. I’ve changed my “nice” persona over the past few weeks, and this is good motivation to continue.
Bravo.
Wow! This is like a mirror image of me and due to this I have had little or no proper rel at 23, not d best of situation. This is definitely an eye opener. ‘Nice Guy’ syndrome is related to Codependency which I have been reading a lot about and it results from experience during childhood i.e. your environment, parents, the people you grow up with and such vices like bullying at early age. I am gonna start working on the 30 day exercise and will be assertive and put myself first in any situation. Thanks for the article!