Today’s man doesn’t have a lot going on for him. He doesn’t have a mission, hobby or passion for life. He works a job that he wishes he could quit. He goes out and gets drunk with his buddies wishing he had better friends. He feels stuck in his position in life wanting, waiting, wishing for something better to come along.
Out of no where comes a beautiful woman who wants to spend time with him. He is thrown off guard by this pleasant surprise, so much so that he completely forgets about everything else. Most of the time when a guy starts dating a new woman she becomes HIS WORLD.
Soon after meeting her he begins to lose any sense of self he once had and puts her first above all else. Everything he had done before he met her has been put on the back burner for his new flame.
He ditches his friends at the drop of a hat to spend some time with this girl who he has only known for a short time. He takes off of work to go to the beach with her even though he can’t afford it.
Little does he know that this type of behavior is exactly what will drive her away. He is thinking everything is ok while she is looking for the fastest exit out of there.
NEVER MAKE ANY WOMAN THE NUMBER ONE PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE. Putting your girlfriend or date into the number one spot will kill the attraction quicker than anything else. For many reasons:
1. She knows that your self esteem is not high enough
When you put a woman in the number one spot you are basically saying her happiness and well being is more important than your own. You might think it is romantic or cute to put her needs above your own but it isn’t.
It sends a direct message to the woman that your self esteem isn’t high enough to take care of number one: yourself. Low self esteem men rarely get the girl. Even if they do, they unable to keep her around.
2. Fear of losing the girl
“If I don’t do what she says or put her first she might leave me”- If you do end up putting a woman first and she does leave you should consider yourself lucky.
When women are put in the number one spot everything goes to absolute hell where cheating, lying, manipulation and NAGGING become the day to day routine. The small attraction that was once there is completely gone.
At that point you will be better off if she decides to call it quits. I have seen and heard some absolute horror stories when the woman decides to stay in it for whatever reason after the attraction level has hit zero.
3. It’s Dishonest
Humans are basically selfish creatures, we look out for our own survival and do things for us. When you put other’s needs above your own you are lying to them about your own desires.
For example, your date or girlfriend says “hey lets go get hot dogs” and you hate hot dogs but you go along with it because you don’t want to upset her. You are being dishonest and lying to her about what you truly want.
People rarely do things for others without attachments. Most of the time they do for others because they want something from them, be it attention, love, friendship or sex. They believe that they are being “nice” but their niceness comes with a price and almost always has an agenda.
Being selfish and putting your needs first is simply being honest and honesty is something people can trust. Trust builds attraction on dates or in a relationship.
4. Not knowing any better
Society, parents and religion have all shoved the romantic notion of sacrificing everything for a woman to prove to her your love down your throat . This fairy tale story ONLY works in the movies, never in real life. In real life, as MANY of you can attest to, it kills the attraction.
Majority of people get their dating/relationship model from their parents. Unfortunately most of your parents relationships aren’t healthy and lack attraction.
Mommy orders daddy around while daddy spends his nights fantasying about a life that doesn’t resemble his. He imagines how it would feel to be in a LOVE filled relationship where the ATTRACTION is still going without all the arguing and mothering.
Most men figure that this is the way a relationship should be. They have no idea about the possibility of having long lasting attraction based interactions with women-they simple don’t know any better.
5. It’s downright needy
Nothing reeks of neediness more than dropping everything in your life to be with a woman. Men do this because they are trying to fill a whole inside of themselves. They feel they lack in someway and need a woman, a car or money to finally feel good about themselves.
When you lose your identity in a relationship you are making the woman the center of your world. This puts an extreme amount of unnecessary pressure on her.
When you put her above all else it makes the woman feel like she is obligated to be with you forever. She feels like she owes you the same commitment that you have made to her.
If the relationship takes on a ‘together forever’ it will start to freak the girl out. She will start to act a little strange but it reality she is planning her exit strategy. Don’t be surprised if she sits you down and says “we need to talk.”
I suggest that you do two things if you are or have in the past put women first above ALL else:
1. Become Selfish
I don’t mean be selfish and eat all the chips in the bag but more putting your desires and priorities first.
2. Get your priorities in line
“The most important person in my relationships is ME”
That should be the frame to keep in mind whether it’s a first date or it’s your two year anniversary. ALWAYS put yourself above ALL else because at the end of the day when you close your eyes and go to sleep there is you and you alone. You may have been with this girl for ten years but you have been with yourself for a lifetime.
Become selfish. Become honest and do things for yourself. Make yourself the most important person in your life.
Touch her because YOU want to. Kiss her because you want to. Go out to a bar because you want to. Don’t go out to a bar because you don’t to-whatever it doesn’t matter as long as you are doing things on your own terms.
*note: it doesn’t mean that you don’t ever do anything for her, it simply means that you do things because you want to. Example: you give her a gift or a back rub because you want to enjoy the pleasure she gets from receiving a back rub or a gift. Don’t do it because you want to get her to stay with you or like you.
Get your priorities in line
1. Your health- without your health you can’t have a relationship in the first place. Don’t sleep with a woman if you are tired because you would be putting her needs above your own. She might enjoy the sex but the attraction and respect she has for you will go down every time you do it.
2. Your integrity- Never sell out your honesty or core values for a woman. Even if she doesn’t like that you stuck to your guns she will respect you for it and the attraction will grow.
3. Your mission- “Never break your mission for a woman. She needs to know that your mission is greater than her or your relationship” An example of this: Just as I’m typing this my girlfriend called to talk to me. I told her I was writing and to call later on because I was on my mission.
For more information on being on your mission check out How to Find and Live Your Mission:
http://innergamereframe.com/how-to-find-and-live-your-mission/
4. Your relationships with women, family and friends
She may say that she doesn’t like that you are selfish and put yourself first but the truth is she will LOVE it. She will love it because she has finally found a man who isn’t weak or needy, doesn’t put her first and has a strong sense of self and purpose in life
Stumble It!
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I think a lot of what you say is correct. When it comes to picking up women they dont want to be the sole focus of all your attention.
They love guys who have full lives which are busy. They want guys who have respect for themselves and their life around them.
With that said, if it turns out to be a long term relationship, things start to turn into crap when you put her after your work or something else. For long term relationships women need to feel like they are number one.
Thats not to say that you start revolving your life around them … but it does mean that they are very very high on the priority list.
Anthony Robbins talks a lot about this in his Ultimate Relationship Program.
Tony Robbins is the last person to take relationship advice from. Great for motivation but not when it comes to getting good with women.
The key to have balance between your mission and your relationships. If you work all the time then there will be no room for your girlfriend, friends or family. At the same time if you put your passions below your girlfriend then it won’t turn out well in the end either.
Another way to do it is to include your girlfriend in your mission in some way. Have it be something you work on together to create. For example, I have my girlfriend help me out with this site a lot.
You also need balance with your mission. You need to take a break from it in order to recover and gain energy to be efficient in following your mission.
I have seen him transform a lot of different relationships that were on the verge of breakdown and he makes the distinction between feminine and masculine energies which I find very relevant with the PUA stuff.
I do agree with having to have a balance of mission and girlfriend. There cannot be one extreme of the other because that does not lead to a fulfilling life.
David Deida raves on about a Man having a mission, and it makes sence. Women who want a man to put them before everything have low self esteem and the need for affirmation. It’s an unrealistic desire.
A man who has a mission that ENABLES him to give freely to his woman, his family and friends is the one who is dependable and reliable. A man who has a mission that gives him FREEDOM allows those around him to share in that freedom.
Imagine we all have 1 (one) point of value. Nobody is really more valuable then anyone else. We may SEEM valuable at times, but underneath the social dynamics and desires, wants and needs, we’re all equal. I like to keep that in mind when i’m approaching ANYONE.
John DeMartini talks about this… he says we inject ourselves with the belief systems of the people we admire, whilst we inject OUR belief systems into the people we despise. We’re either putting people up on a pedestal, or taking them down and putting them below us.
The key illusion behind this behavior is that we all have different values and belief systems, and we are THE BEST EXPERIENCED to be ourselves
Nobody else could do it better then we could.
What i’m leading to is that we must be ourselves before we can truly be with anyone else. Putting a GIRL or ANYBODY up on a pedestal and putting them first is really just an indicator (as you’ve said alex) of low self esteem and trying to live your live THRU somebody else.
It takes COURAGE to be OURSELVES. The beauty is that it doesn’t take to much to KNOW WHO WE ARE… the hard part is standing up on our OWN TWO FEET and saying . . ‘OK, THIS IS WHO I AM!’
Once we get used to being ourselves, we become naturally attractive to others, because we are in energetic harmony with ourselves. We feel peace within, and that naturally radiates out and others pick up on it.
OK i’ll stop SHOUTING NOW. Maybee….
A.
well said Ant. Thanks for commenting
I tend to agree conceptually with most everything you say on this site. I just went through a break up and it was due to “guy friends”. Your site has reminded me of many things I already knew but threw into the wind when blinded by the luvbug bite. This girl told me her last boyfriend was controlling and jealous and in order to show her I was different, I didn’t say much about her wanting to hang out with her “friends”. In the beginning, she would hang out with her girlfriends, but then it became her girlfriends, their boyfriends, and their boyfriends friends, and then her old guy friends from her hometown. After seeing sweet nothings posted on her facebook page from one of these “friends” after not calling me for the entire new years weekend and spending time with him and not returning my calls, I decided to take a step back to deal with the pit in my stomach. I haven’t confronted her or asked her any questions about it because I know I made the mistake of rushing in and her answers will be defensive and evasive anyway; i.e. she knows what she’s done and she’s only sorry that she got caught. When I texted her to say I needed some time to think about us, I got no response. It was a deafening silence filled with knowledge of why. Otherwise, she would have been surprised and said something like, oh, is there something wrong? I didn’t accuse her of anything, that would have played right into her game of making me feel jealous and controlling when in reality she’s the one who is controlling.
She is immature and selfish, but that was difficult to see until she actually acted on it. I put her as no. 1 too soon, but somehow even if I didn’t, I think it would have turned out the same as she really is a player playing the field for whatever need she has; a wrong girl. So, the entire situation fits into your frames and answers a myriad of questions even though I know part of it was cause I was a “wuss” (sound familiar). We only dated for like three months, so we never had the “talk” that we were exclusive, which left me powerless to say anything about her behavior, and made me feel even more played and a wuss. Now, the damage is done and its over. I could now make the demand, but its too late, the trust is broken, and if she really cared about me, she wouldn’t have arranged that weekend in the first place. She thought she could get away with it because I wouldn’t want to appear needy and jealous, but ironically, I feel do feel needy and jealous for standing up for my boundaries. Quite a paradox, but something I know I have to do.
I think I had sex with her too early and attached too soon as well. That sounds f’ed up since most guys tend to think that is more chik-like, but its really about control and power, not sex, isn’t it. As guys, we give up our power when we do that, but only if we actually like the girl, if she were a random hook up, it wouldn’t be a problem, right. I know you’re developing your site, and my humble suggestions would be to add sections discussing sex dynamics, early relationship development, timing of when to impose boundaries, and perhaps most important, the big picture of why guys today need this coaching when for all of time, men have been men and were the one’s with automatic power in the relationships. The changing social dynamics of the past 30-40 years from the sexual revolution, feminism, materialism, to the present day attitude of American women of entitlement. When I travel to foreign countries, I find the women there are much more appreciative of men in general, where here women tend to think of men as a means to an end, whether sex with the hottest guy or looting a guys coffers under the guise of marriage. It truly is a dangerous game out there and statistics show only 5% of marriages are truly happy. We need more enlightenment as men and I applaud your work.