I know what you are thinking, you aren’t her father so why do you need rules and boundaries? No you won’t be playing the role of daddy but you can go ahead and give her a nice spank on the ass anyways.
“People treat you the way you train them to”
Ever have a friend that was too nice and as a result people walked all over them? Think about how those same people treated you. Unless you are the nice guy who is a human doormat, they treated you much differently because you have self respect and a back bone.
Why did they treat him with such disrespect and not you?
Even though the people were the same, they treated you is different because you trained them to treat you that way.
Creating rules in which to adhere by is all about self respect and love. You tell them what is and what is not acceptable when they interact with you, not only for women but for everyone.
With women it WILL create a lot of attraction. Without rules the attraction will be KILLED and she will make your life a living hell.
Some might do it for the former reason but it’s not wise to use it as an attraction technique because it won’t be congruent. You will be putting on a fake mask of masculinity and you will be quickly exposed.
You should set rules and boundaries to make your life peaceful. It should be for your own self respect and sanity, NOT just to get her panties wet.
I am a really simple person with simple needs. I desire for my life to be as peaceful and calm as it can be. Right now my life is pretty peaceful and setting rules for how people should treat me has made this possible.
I have heard some horror stories from guys that let women do whatever they want and never tell her what is and is not acceptable.
To effectively have rules and boundaries you must NOT fear losing that person. When you fear losing someone you will only go so far to keep your boundaries before caving and giving in.
If you cave and allow unwanted behavior to happen the woman will lose respect for you. She will understand on a deep level that you fear losing her more than you value respecting yourself.
When that moment happens your relationship is on a downward spiral and will end soon enough. She understands on a deep level that she can do WHATEVER she wants and get away with it.
Get over your fear of losing anyone. When you transition from being a doormat to someone with a pair you WILL lose people in your life.
They will tell you that you have changed or are weird but its all bullshit. They are just upset at their inability to control their little whipping boy.
“but isn’t that manipulative and controlling?”
Setting rules and boundaries is simply being HONEST. When she decides to flirt with your best friend, on the inside you HATE it but you don’t do anything about it. Why? Because you don’t want to lose her.
You are selling out your integrity and honesty in order to keep someone around. You are lying about your real desire for her to not flirt with your best friend to get what you want- that’s true manipulation.
Why should I set rules and boundaries?
“Whenever we give our power away to others and take crap from them, it closes our hearts and causes us to pull back. It’s painful to be open with someone and have them take advantage of us or treat us not so nicely.”
When you don’t own your strength by setting rules your heart closes, making it harder to forgive and love people. Whenever a person disrespects you or gets away with a little too much and you do nothing about it your self esteem WILL DROP.
You put up with the crap because you don’t love yourself enough to not let people treat you that way.
After a while it becomes a catch 22 situation. You need high self esteem in order to have the energy to set and “enforce” those rules but your self esteem drops every time that you don’t.
Eventually you just don’t have the energy to do anything about it. You want to make changes but you just don’t have it in you to do so.
Trust will be lost in the process of not setting and enforcing your personal boundaries. Trust in others and trust in yourself will start to disappear.
If you can’t trust yourself enough to have a back bone with others you will keep people at a distance. You will become extremely paranoid about being taken advantaged of.
The whole point of a relationship is to be open and close with someone, to grow and trust each other and to love one another.
None of this can be done if you don’t trust yourself enough to know that you wont let anyone mess with your heart.
She wont be able to trust you because how can anyone trust someone who is weak and never stands up for themselves?
People ONLY respect those that respect themselves.
Without the trust that comes by having self respect she will have no choice but to keep her distance. She can’t open up to someone who isn’t be strong enough to protect her when she is vulnerable after opening up.
“Nice Guys”
“Nice” people are some of the angriest people you will ever meet but their anger is mostly internal. They constantly beat themselves up and have tons of resentment towards others that is rarely seen because of how “nice” they are.
The truth is they aren’t really angry with other people, they are angry with themselves for not developing a spine and putting up with too much crap. They let people walk all over them and ask for more because they don’t want anyone of to disapprove of them.
That fear of disapproval and fear of losing others is so strong that you would be amazed at the amount of disrespect they allow.
By not having and “enforcing” your own personal rules you will end up with “friends” or women who will make your life miserable.
Without rules, women will use your dignity as a dishrag to mop up any remaining shred of masculinity out of the sink.
Transitioning From Doormat to a Person of Strength
Start small and take it slowly. If you are dating someone DON’T go gung ho and blast her with 50 million rules and expert her to follow all of them at once.
Going too fast too soon might freak her out. Slowly integrate them into your relationship.
If you are just starting out in your relationship get the rules down as soon as possible. It’s far better to start a relationship off right than to try repair the damage.
Write out a list of things that you will and will not tolerate from other people. Here are a few of my own:
-Only energy allowed in my relationships is love
-Treat me respect and I will do the same to you
-Be nice or be gone.
-If you cant talk to me in a calm, relaxed manor then you must calm down before we talk
-Honesty, integrity and compassion aren’t optional
The first time you let someone know that they over stepped your boundaries you WILL be nervous and scared. Don’t expect yourself to be zen like when you are standing up for yourself for the first time.
Over time and with much practice standing up for yourself will become as easy as asking someone for the time.
*Make sure to hit the stumbleupon button-there are many people who need to know this information.*
Let me know about your experiences with keeping your boundaries and your self respect. See you in the comments
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I love this article but I have a question: how do you go about telling your partner a specific rule, when do you do this? When she has overstepped an area that makes you feel badly or uncomfortable? Say you’re having an argument and she lashes out and says something inappropriate “You’re stupid, you’re ugly, etc.” or just plain yells or curses and you don’t like it. Do you chime in and say “hey, I don’t allow anyone to talk to me like that” or do you completely ignore her and walk away because talking to her when she is angry or confrontational rewards her behavior?
Hey Rob,
That’s too big of a question to answer in a comment so I’ll create a new blog post for you.
Cheers
Alex
Well I finally did it, I stood up and said something.
She made me really uncomfortable in the pit of my stomach, it happens regularly and I just repress the feeling and try to ignore but lately reading your blogs, my eyes have been opening up. It may have been a combination of things, I invited her to come with me & the kids to their sunday school christmas breakfast today, she normally doesn’t come with me when I bring the kids to church but it was the christmas breakfast so it was a little different. We sat down with some friends we hadn’t seen in a while, a few of her older girlfriends that she hadn’t seen in a long time came by, they sat down chatting. During the kid’s christmas play she started talking to her friends about the bar she went out to last night on her “girls night out” and all the hot guys she had seen that were checking her out. Well I’m sitting across the table 2 feet away watching the play and listening to every !@$%! word coming out of her mouth that they were talking about in half whispers & laughs, etc. and I couldn’t take it anymore – that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach was just unbearable – I turned to her and said without shouting “SHUT UP! It’s Disrespectful to talk about that stuff while we’re in church watching our kids christmas play”. It threw her for a loop, I had never talked to her like that when she had spoken about things like this in the past – she immediately shutup and said sorry. Later at home a couple of hours later I really let her have it and I had never ever gotten the nerve to speak up before, she had nothing to say except that it never bothered me before. I told her I had it and I really have had it, we did end up arguing (I know, bad move on my part) but I stood my ground, didn’t cave in at all and told her in no uncertain terms that I am truly sick of her crap and I am no longer afraid to lose her. She is one of those girls that you described that is addicted to external validation (from guys at work, going out with her friends on those “girls night out” events: bars, etc.) and I have just had it with all the disrespect and feeling powerless. She went to her parents because she was upset and I really didn’t care. They were angry with me because I had spoken up for myself even though they said they were also angry with her behavior and how she has been acting. Seriously I couldn’t care less about what they think of me either, they will always side with her regardless of what she does so I can’t rely on them for support. It is finally getting through to me that people who love & care for me won’t disrespect me and act carelessly around me and in the end, it’s my choice if I continue to allow people like that in my life and if I do, it’s my fault and I have to accept responsibility for what happens.
It’s a slow process but it is finally starting.
And for the record I was very nervous & scared on the inside after I had finally stood up for myself, I have never felt like this before – the amount of energy that I released during this argument was incredible, I’ve never felt like that before, I pretty much feel exhausted now and I’m actually looking forward to sleeping tonight, I think I will sleep really well tonight for the first time in a long time.
And as for her, her pillow will be in the hallway and she can sleep on the couch for all I care, I don’t want her next to me anymore – it’s funny but it feels like the spell is broken if that makes any sense.
That’s amazing rob. I’m happy that you finally stood up for yourself. Scary but it feels good doesn’t it? more freeing?
The next step is to be able to stand up for yourself and set boundaries and NOT be angry in the moment. It’s easier to use anger as the source of your power but a lot harder to be powerful without the anger.
It’s possible to turn this situation but you must not be attached to this possibility.
If she comes to apologize you need to sit down and talk to her calmly. Saying sorry means nothing if she doesn’t learn from her mistakes. If she doesn’t learn from the mistakes she will say ’sorry’ and then go out and allow guys flirt with her the next week.
By the way, ‘girls night out’ could be loosely translated to ‘I have lost the confidence I got my external validation so I need to have random strangers hit on me to feel better about myself.’ She needs to be taught how to have confidence that comes from within or she will continue to leak sexual energy outside of the relationship.
This is your job to teach her how to have that sort of confidence. But first you need to learn how to have that kind of confidence or it will be the blind leading the blind.
Great stuff,
Alex
You’re cute, Alex, and you do have some good things to say ; )
Yep, only boundaries allow us to create and sustain true love. Just as true for men as well as us women. It’s a human thing.
I found your site because I just googled “fear after setting boundaries” which is what I am experiencing this evening, having stated my limits earlier today to the man I am in love with.
But you know, love isn’t worth much if you sacrifice your own feelings and needs in the process, or if you allow others to determine for you what is okay or not, or accept what they, rather than you, view as reasonable grounds for upset or insult, for needs and feelings.
In addition to the sense of freedom, there is the incredibly good release and crucial reduction of anger at someone, once you choose to properly look after yourself. I don’t want to control my man, I want to be closer and even happier. So, although it is frightening to possibly risk losing him as a result of my setting new boundaries and stating my bottom line, I hope things get juicier and deeper between us as a result. But it’s out of my hands now. We’ll be talking at the end of the week, after he has a chance to mull.
It is good you have distinguished among motives, ie. trying to manipulate versus practicing integrity and mutual respect within relationships.
Setting boundaries is not for the faint of heart, but for those with powerful open hearts.
Thanks for your insight and the validation to not be a sucky ass about
what matters most to you, and letting others know, clearly and seriously.
I only hope I was respectful enough for him to hear me about my own need to be heard despite my anger toward him. I set a boundary regarding the need for him to respect my boundaries, or we cannot move forward.
To the man with the flirting in front of him girlfriend, if I was your sister I’d say Yay for you. And it’s true, women do resepct men who respect themselves as well as us.
Kathleen
Thanks a lot Kathleen, I hope everything works out for you. If not, you just need a stronger man.
You are right, without rules and boundaries there can not be love. It’s impossible to be in “love” with someone that you don’t respect. It’s in our human nature to test others to see if we can trust, and ultimately respect them.
One of the biggest ways women test men is by over stepping a boundary or two. They want to know whether or not they will let them get away with the disrespect or not. If you let women (and men) get away with it they won’t respect you and it will lead to them no longer being in love with you.
It’s been a while since my original post on this.
On another forum that I participate in, someone asked me a question on this specific issue. Since this happened, other behaviors she had been exhibiting for year which just weren’t acceptable to me anymore kept cropping up and I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I had her pack her things up in January and move in with her parents and you can say that we’ve been separated for 3+ months.
The question that was asked of me was whether or not I want her back.
Honestly, I do want her back but I’m just not a fan of her behavior and I think I have to stand my ground sometimes just so that she knows that I have boundaries that can’t be crossed. Name calling, yelling, fighting without reason, etc. I know that this has been largely my fault after reviewing all the articles on this website, all of those wussy behaviors that I’ve been exhibiting (putting her on a pedestal, no rules/boundaries, holding on to the wrong girl, being a nice guy, supplicating, etc.)
The difference this time is that I’m not attached to the outcome, if it doesn’t work out, I will be ok. It has taken several months to get over the crap programming in my head on this issue. I will be ok, there are other women out there, better women and if my wife doesn’t straighten up, I will be ok without her, in fact, I am ok without her.
I also know that I don’t want to go back to the relationship we had before – I know that wishing for that is wrong because it would ultimately lead us to the same path and same conclusion again.
I’m independant and can live my life without her and I can take care of my kids while working full-time and managing the household. I think I also need to show the kids that it’s not ok to accept crap behavior from someone just because you love them and that’s the way they are – people can be any way they want to be, if they want to be crusty, old & angry – they can be, if they want to be personable, loving, caring, affectionate & nurturing – they can be. It’s a personal choice that people make, it’s their choice how they want to live their lives.
I want my life to be a good one, in fact it’s a requirement for a couple of reasons. First & forement, it needs to be a good life for me, really it does. And that good life can include her but it doesn’t have to. I need to live a good life so that I can remain sane & happy. For the 2nd reason, I have to do it for my young children: they need to learn from me (because I’m their parent and that’s how they learn, by watching me live my life) that you can live a good & happy life and that it’s not normal for people to want to hurt you & be angry all the time. Being happy is one of the most important things in life, heck it probably is the most important thing.
I also don’t want to supplicate her anymore. I won’t buy things for her & do things for her just for her to be nice to me. If I have to buy her love then I don’t want it. It seriously is a form of manipulation when you think about it, and I want the love in my life to be given freely.
I was seriously a broken person for many years in this relationship, she had treated me poorly for many years, I literally had to jump through hoops of fire just to get scraps of love every now & then thrown my way. It made her feel good to wield this kind of power over me and I didn’t like who I was when this was happening to me in the relationship. I felt small, weak, unloved, had poor self-esteem, didn’t take care of my needs and basically took all manners of crap from her and the excuse was I did it for her so that she would love me and never leave me and I know now that this never works. When you allow someone to treat you poorly for years, they have no respect for you and can’t love you properly because you don’t love yourself and don’t respect yourself.
It has taken a long time and it’s still a continuous process but I’m becoming a different person now, I do love myself and respect myself above all others. I know I’m different because I actually stand up for myself, I realize when I’m being treated poorly and I don’t just take it anymore, I do something about it, I make myself heard, I take a stand and I respect myself for it afterwards. I realize now that my door mat behavior allowed this to happen to me and I won’t live my life like that again, it was too painful. I also can’t do this because I was teaching my kids indirectly that this is what married life is like, one spouse treats the other badly and you get walked all over and disrespected. I seriously get misty thinking that this could happen to my kids and my kids need to know that loving & respecting themselves above all others is the only way they will find a partner in life who will do the same for them.
Do I love her? Yes.
Do I want her back? Yes, But…
- I won’t go back to the old “US”. I can’t ever go back to that. I won’t go back to being barked at, the silent treatments, being a sex camel (everybody loves raymond, love that show, a sex camel can go weeks/months without sex), the constant arguing, finger pointing, you didn’t do this, this & that (seriously I did everything and then some, it was never enough to work full-time, come home, clean home, do laundry, bathe kids, do homework w/them, make meals, take care of finances while she complained of working a part-time job and never having enough time for herself).
I won’t go back to her always being about herself, never asking about me, never seeing how I am, never asking about work, never talking to me like a friend, asking me if I need anything/want anything, never a funny joke, never an interesting story to share – she gives that energy to everyone else except for me and that is seriously boring & harmful at the same time.
I go out now, take care of myself, go to the gym, hang out with friends, and life feels good, and it didn’t for a very long time. I found that individual part of me that has been suppressed for such a long time and i’ll continue doing whatever is necessary to make sure this part of me isn’t lost. My self-esteem is very good and it hasn’t been high for what seems like forever.
In a nutshell I just won’t tolerate that kind of crap anymore in my life, and she is slowly learning that. I’m not doing it in a mean way either, I don’t have to yell to get my point across – I don’t need to, my actions speak loud enough.
Whether or not we get back together is irrelevant. If she can’t be a friend – heck I’ll shoot for goals, how about my best friend, if she can’t be loving, caring & nurturing towards me, what kind of relationship could i ever hope to have or better yet WANT with her?
I can be picky, I can say what I want in a relationship because i know what I’m capable of putting into it and what I want is someone to do the same and be respectful of that fact that a great marriage is made by great people who put great things into the marriage.
I’m not ignorant that arguments won’t happen, they just won’t be the rule anymore, they would be the exception.
I just see now that during this separation, you shouldn’t be wanting things to go back to how they were. How they were is what you led you to this point in your life right now. I want better, I’ll get better because I am better. It’s the new standard to live by, it’s how to get the things you want in life because the only one holding you back is you.
Hey Rob,
That’s incredible news man. The best part is not only do you see it but you are living it. Nothing feels worse then knowing you need to do something but unable (or not knowing how) to muster up the energy and strength to accomplish it. When that happens you are in a struggle with yourself, part of you is strong and ready to move on, while the other part of you still holds on to lesser habits.
Notice how sloppy your first post was, one giant paragraph. The second post is much better written than the first one.
If you do decide to take her back I would suggest having a long conversation with her. This conversation will accomplish one of two things:
1 ) be able to establish ground rules and how things will be different
2 ) tell whether or not she has really changed. If she is strongly against you being in the driver’s seat and having a respectful relationship it will quickly become apparent in this conversation.
Make sure that you get her to agree to how your relationship will be from here on out. I’d even go so far as to tell her to give it a week to think what you have talked about over.
If you do get back together look out for the first “test.” You have taught her for many years not to trust you as a man and need to prove otherwise-can’t really trust someone who is that much weaker than you. It will happen but don’t get up and arms about it. Remind her of the rules but don’t instantly kick her out of your life again.
Really great stuff. Keep us posted on what happens
Cheers
Alex
Of course, what a great site and informative posts, I will add backlink – bookmark this site? Regards, Reader.
IMHO the biggest issues that guys come up against, once they know that there should be rules and boundaries are:
1. At first, coming from a PUA mindset, they are overly HARSH. It is a reactive response, and ends up hurting the relationship.
2. They don’t have a clear idea of what they want, so they don’t know what rules and boundaries they want. Often they are distracted by some of the community’s ‘ideals’ vs. ‘what they want internally’. This is one of the downsides to the community – people losing their own sense of purpose and needs.
Alex and all readers,
I think you would all benefit by reading “The Way of the Superior Man” by David Deida.
Alex a lot of the stuff you mention is very similar to what he writes about. Read it with a grain of salt, keep what works for you and I think the book will help out all of you who actually read it.
Keep up the great work Alex. I’m going through your Mistake Parts and they are great.