A few drinks deep and trying your best to fight off a migraine from the bass of the house music. Everyone is dancing, drinking and enjoying themselves but you stick to the back with your buddies to have another round. A blond enters your view and quickly catches your attention. Her ill fitting top caresses her tight, silky and artificially tanned body. It fits in all the right places and shows off all of the right parts.
She fills you with the excitement that so many women before her have. “What I wouldn’t give to f**k her!” is the only thought that crosses your mind. A thought so profound that you can’t help but to repeat it to your friends. They laugh and join in with their particulars of what they would do to the girl and what they would do to be able have her. Good times. You no longer see her but the contour and specifics of her body are burned into your mind for the rest of the night.
Sound familiar? I bet it does. You think nothing of it but it’s moments like these that cause you to be nervous around beautiful women and kill your chances of ever being able to be with that girl except in your masturbatory fantasies. When women see guys who show these types of behaviors they automatically get label as a wanker.
What is a Wanker?
A wanker is your typical average guy who sprays his shorts over every decent to hot looking girl that walks by. He is not concerned about whether or not this girl is a snob, a bitch, stuck up, controlling, sweet or has an amazing personality. The ONLY thing he cares about is the way she looks. It doesn’t matter if this girl is on the run from the cops for chopping off her husbands pecker and throwing it out a moving car but just as long as she is attractive he’s “happy.”
Why is being a wanker detrimental to your success with women?
A large portion of your nervousness around beautiful women comes from the way that you think and treat these women. Whenever you get over excited about a good looking girl coming in the door you are training yourself to put women on a pedestal.
Every time you see an attractive female and think to yourself “oh God, she’s so hot” you are pushing yourself further and further away being able to actually be with her. This happens for several reasons:
1. Your Self Esteem is Low
She moves and your eyes follow her. Peeking a look at that gorgeous body, while trying your best not to get caught, but she knows you are looking and she knows what you are thinking. In those few brief moments you have already told her that you have a great desire to sleep with her.
You are willing to sleep with a girl without knowing anything about her beside the way she looks. What does that say about you? Or your self esteem? It sends a direct message to the girl that 1) your self esteem is so low that you would sleep with her regardless of whether or not she is the right girl for you and 2) you have no standards when it comes to women.
2. You are Affirming That She is Out of Your League
Most people love the attention they get from their admirers, who look up to them with those loving eyes. Who doesn’t enjoy a good compliment or kindness from a stranger? That type of attention feels good to the ego but kills the attraction every time.
Despite what movies teach you about a love struck romeo who only needs to tell a girl how he feels, showering someone with affection and attention doesn’t equal attraction. Showing her how much you like her doesn’t mean she will get a tingle up her leg.
It’s almost impossible to be attracted to someone who feels BLESSED or would GIVE ANYTHING to JUST BE WITH YOU.
She sees you glaring at her but she knows what lies beneath the surface. She knows that if she was to give you the lightest amount of attention you would almost inevitably think to yourself “how could I get this lucky? Wow, this must be a lucky shirt. I’m never taking this off again!” If you think that being with her would be the equivalent of winning the lottery then she is out of your league.
3. It Automatically Puts You in the Same Category as Every Other Guy
This wouldn’t be such a bad thing if almost every guy out there understood how to create attraction in women. Unfortunately, this is not the case and you emotional response to a beautiful women will lump you into a category with the rest of the unlucky guys.
Every man that has hit on her inappropriately, grabbed her without consent, stared at her chest with no regard or one of the other million different creepy things that men typically do, will be linked to you. Women are very intuitive, even if they can’t articulate it properly at times, and will pick up on your lust for her. She can tell and you will forever be branded into the creepy category. Once you are placed in that spot there is no coming back.
4. You are in a Position of Weakness Instead of Power
You have trained yourself over the years to have the same emotionally strong response to when a beautiful woman walks by. This response is not one of choice but of compulsion. You see her, she’s hot and you want to automatically sleep with her. There is no gap between the stimulus (hot girl) and your response (sexual excitement).
Power comes from the ability to choose. Whether it’s your friends, job, women, what you do with your time, it’s a matter how choice. The less of a choice you have in these things or how you respond to a situation the less power you will possess.
When she walks by, you are not choosing whether you will allow or not to allow yourself to feel attracted to this woman. You are not choosing the type of response to her physical attractiveness, it simply happens all on it’s own.
Stop Being Nervous Around Women and Move into a Place of Power
Having this type of sexual and emotional reaction to aesthetically appealing women is a force of habit just like any other. It has taken years upon years to train yourself to think and behave this way but it’s very possible to turn it all around. It will take time but the payoff is worth the wait.
Here are simply things you can start doing now to stop this automatic process:
1. Stop Talking to Your buddies about Hot Girls
There is a slight sense of camaraderie that goes along with making jokes and talking about how gorgeous some women are. It brings you together through a common interest. It helps you to make friends but at the end of the day having choice with women is far more valuable then a few jokes.
Whenever you do this you are reinforcing a negative behavior with something positive. Your negative behavior is getting over excited about some girl you saw and reinforcing it with a positive socially accepting response from your friends. It’s the high you get from a fix when you know you shouldn’t doing it in the first place.
Completely stop talking to your friends about these women. No more “dude, did you see that girl?” or “OMG, she is frickin hot. I would love to (fill in the blank) her.” Your mind might continue with these thoughts but they still don’t need to go anywhere but your mind.
2. Understand that beauty is NOT a BIG DEAL
So often in our culture do we praise and worship beautiful people. You see it in ads, magazines, billboards. Women and men are held in high regard for something they didn’t earn. Good looks is something that is given naturally with a few tweaks along the way. They didn’t work for it and earn it through sweat and persistence. No, it’s something that they were born with.
Whenever your mind starts up with it’s thoughts about how amazing that girl looked, remind yourself that looks are not that big of a deal. The men who are most successful with women don’t really care too much what she looks like. The girl has to be good looking for them to be biologically turned on but they don’t make a big fuss over how the girl looks. They appreciate a good looking woman but it doesn’t make their day or they don’t sport wood over it-”she’s cute” in a nonchalant tone.
If you are still having a tough time understanding that looks aren’t that big of a deal you need to spend more time with beautiful women. People who live in small towns get very excited about hot women because so few are around but if you lived in California or New York good looking women are a dime a dozen.
Go out to a club with intention of getting rid of your wanker response. Go in and take a look around at all the beautiful women and tell yourself “it’s not that big of a deal.”
3. Stop Watching Porn
Well, at least for now. When you get off to images or videos of beautiful women you are creating wonderful fantasies about these women. You are instilling the belief that YOU CAN’T GET THESE WOMEN. The only time you are able to have these women in through your mind, computer screen and a cheap bottle of hand lotion.
You might not think of much of your “happy” time but you mind thinks a lot of it. It reinforces the belief that You are NOT GOOD ENOUGH to be able to attract beautiful women.
Most masturbating isn’t an act of self exploration done in an attempt to further your sexuality but more in a hurried act of nervousness with one hand on your piece and one eye on the door. You are nervous about getting caught and this uneasiness gets associated with beautiful women. Your mind generalizes things and it will take the nervousness you felt to one beautiful porn star you got off to and link it to all beautiful women.
When the “I’m not good enough” feelings get accompanied by your nervousness from your porn habits you end up with very bad social interactions. A good bit of your confidence in talking with women comes from having positive experiences. If your nervous the first time talking to women from your shades down lotion out activities the interaction will leave you with a negative impression of talking to women. If you continue to watch porn and still try to talk to women your nervousness around approaching them will only get worse.
Throw out your Jergens and close your account with your choice porn site-it’s for the best. If you can’t seem to find something to fill the time left by your porn habits read this article:
http://innergamereframe.com/is-porn-good-for-you/
4. Develop Standards When it Comes to Women
Earlier in this article I mentioned coming from a place of power instead of weakness and standards is the best way to do this. Standards allow you to override that gut level reaction to the sexual Goddess. You still feel it but asking yourself “is she the type of girl I want?” will allow that response to be greatly reduced.
Normally, men question their own value and wonder if they are good enough for the girl. This leads to all sorts of approval seeking which can kill the attraction and make you very nervous. Instead of underestimating your own value, ask yourself if she is good enough for you? Does she meet your standards?
When you ask yourself if this girl is good enough for you it changes the whole dynamic. The anxiety is minimized and often times becomes none existent. You are also placed in a position of choice instead of merely reacting to what is happening to you.
Get into a habit of having standards for every attractive woman you see. When you see her, automatically ask yourself “is she a nice person? Does she look like a giver or a taker? Will she be right for me?” Even if you never speak to these women still ask yourself these questions.
You can even take is a step further by qualifying everyone that you talk to. Not in an arrogant “I’m better than everyone” type of way but in a “will this person be good for me? Will they hurt me or help me?”
Most men fear developing standards because they are in such desperation for to take anything they can get. The irony is that if you are willing to take anything you can get often you will end up with nothing or scrapping at the bottom of the barrel. Women can smell confidence and self esteem on you and taking anything that will give you the time or day lacks these things. Why would that girl want to be part of that “anything you can get” category?
Keeping Standards to Draw in More Abundance and Eliminate Neediness
A large factor that goes into success is determined by the company you keep. If you surround yourself by negative, pessimistic, narcissistic people they will bring you down with them. Even if you believe yourself to be very positive and motivated you will soon be rolling around in the dirt.
Enthusiasm, motivation and drive is contagious and so is apathy. If you have none of the positive qualities I speak of and have no desire for them developing standards will not be needed. If on the other hand you strive for a life of meaning and one worth having then standards is a must. Every person you ALLOW into YOUR life can has the potential to help fulfill that dream or bring it to a halt.
Every woman, no, every person you meet should live up to your standards. If they don’t you need keep looking until you find the right woman and the right set of people to surround yourself with.
Creating and maintaining standards will actually draw more people into your life. If follow through and uphold your standards by saying “no” to certain people a great deal of your neediness will melt away.
Neediness at the core is being scared of being alone and miserable. Once you burst through this fear by letting go of certain people in your life you will realize that you can say good bye and still survive. You will learn that you can be selective and still be happy.
With a large portion of your neediness out of the way you will become more attractive to other people because nothing is less attractive to women (basically everyone) than neediness. The strength that has replaced the spot where your neediness once existed will draw abundance of people into your life.
Stumble It!
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Hey Alex,
This is a very insightful article.
“You are nervous about getting caught and this uneasiness gets associated with beautiful women. Your mind generalizes things and it will take the nervousness you felt to one beautiful porn star you got off to and link it to all beautiful women.”
That is so true. With no doubt in my mind. It just clicked. Honestly guys were not ever supposed to be nervous with women. No other animal, nor mammal gets nervous to be with opposites. It’s obvious that you get nervous becuase of this. Girls aren’t feeling anything like we are(were), nor are they thinking about anything else. It’s all internal of the way we feel with women, we are afraid of getting caught. Girls are not thinking about anything else, heck I they don’t even think about us. Em nevermind. The point is that there was always something unknown that had me uneasy. This is it. Keep yourself in the now, that way you don’t think about sex in the “future”; just be with the girl.
It’s been a while I haven’t been here, but you’re articles just keep getting wiser.
Just one thing alex why is it negative? About your rule number one?
Anyways there were lots more that I liked about this.
Thanks,
Keep posting
Alex
Thanks a lot Alex..and yeah girls are thinking about us and how they are perceived by other people (more so then men). I’m happy that it’s something that we learn and not something we are born with. I couldn’t imagine going through the torment of being driven to have sex and being nervous at the same time without being able to do anything about it. Fortunately, it’s a learned behavior and can also be unlearned.
I’m not sure which number one you are talking about (there are two of them) so I’ll just assume you are talking about both. My articles are a mixed bag of the positive and the negative. The ones that are “negative” serve a purpose of making you aware of what you are doing wrong. Awareness is in most cases is enough for you to improve. Once you know better you stop making the same mistakes.
If you don’t know what you are doing wrong (going on unconsciously) you can’t make changes. So, although it appears to be “negative” it helps rid you of the negative things you are doing in your life that prevent you from enjoying it.
Does that answer your question?
When you talk about unlearned behavior, do you mean unlearn the desire for them? That is what comes to mind becuase without desire those habits for me fall away as well.
1. Stop talking to your buddies about hot girls.
What is negative here excatly.
I have never read anything so good about neediness. This is one of the best paragraphs.
“Neediness at the core is being scared of being alone and miserable. Once you burst through this fear by letting go of certain people in your life you will realize that you can say good bye and still survive. You will learn that you can be selective and still be happy.
With a large portion of your neediness out of the way you will become more attractive to other people because nothing is less attractive to women (basically everyone) than neediness. The strength that has replaced the spot where your neediness once existed will draw abundance of people into your life.”
Thanks-
Alex
Alex,
Your points seem spot on to me. I think one of the core issues underlying all of these is that men tend to lose their grip on the present moment. In example, it’s tough to put a woman on a pedestal if you’re staying present-oriented and don’t know anything about her. I like to take a Bart Simpson approach to meeting new people: “I’m Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?” In other words, define yourself and let others prove themselves to you.
Thanks for the article.
Trent
@Alex: For people who are aware that there is a problem but still do it, they lack a desire but still preform the negative behavior anyways. The desire or lack of desire in those people will be the conscious aspect while the execution of the behavior will come from the unconscious.
For the lucky few it’s as simple as having a desire not to do these negative types of behaviors for them to stop. They become aware of a problem and they no longer do that. But for other people it’s much harder.
What I mean by ‘unlearning the behavior’ is taking your desire to stop your compulsions and consistently working towards rewiring the unconscious part of your brain (where most of the behaviors/habits form). This requires a great deal of discipline and dedication before their desire (not to preform negative behaviors) matches their unconscious programing.
I hope that made sense*
@Trent: Agreed but it’s very very difficult to obtain the now moment when you are struck with fears and unconscious negative behaviors that are at times overwhelming.
Staying in the ‘now’ or present comes with women down to consciously doing the right type of behaviors/thoughts over and over until you can unconsciously (without thinking) do them.
I say this because obtaining and maintaining that ‘now’ moment can take a lifetime to master while working on what I’m teaching can go much quicker.
I disagree on making people prove themselves to you ( it just might of been just your choice in words). They are either right or not for you but no working towards your approval should be involved.
Basically, when your life has become big enough, hot women become slivers or specks of the big picture (your life). Therefore, you value them less — which in turn let’s you act “normal”. This might sound egotistical or sexist, but its true.
How do you determine if you have a life or not? It’s simple. Just ask yourself this one question: If the hot woman accepted or rejected you, would it matter? Yes = no life, No = life.
As long as you have something keep you holding up, its all good.
Justin, good point,
but if getting accepted or rejected by a hot woman matters. I don’t think it means you have no life if it does matter, it just means you have an unrealistic view on the power the hot woman has.
I agree with Brendan. If you value the opinions of others it doesn’t mean you lack a life or you are a loser. It just means that you have a certain perspective or behavior that needs to be fixed.
Wow! that’s some good advice you have on here. It’s so true. I would be very interested in knowing how you acquired all this knowledge? Did you have to learn it all on your own through experience or did you discover a similar invaluable literature that you then elaborated on with your own knowledge?
My problem is that a lot of women are attracted to me because I am a very good looking guy (or so I am told) But the thing about all these women is, I really don’t care because I am not attracted to any of them. I was wondering why I only attract women that I am not attracted to and now your article has explained it. Its because I don’t try so hard with women I am not attracted to and they get to meet the real me. When I really like a girl I try very hard to make her like me. I talk about things I think will make me seem cool like cars and money and career. I go all in with the eye contact and my enthusiasm is probably intimidating. I just come across as desperate because inside I feel desperate to be with these women. I have now realized that I must treat beautiful women equal to the ugly ones and stop putting them on a pedestal and most of all get the idea out of my head that “I have to have her” “this is my only chance to impress her” because I don’t have to have her. I just have to become totally content with myself being alone. I have to accept that she may walk out of my life and I may never see her again but if I keep it cool then I inadvertently increase my chance of seeing her again. That last bit is so difficult because I have this constant powerful urge to let the woman know how attracted I am to her incase she thinks that I’m not interested in her. I just feel compelled to make attractive women know that I am attracted to them. I hate playing games I just wish everyone would put their cards down face up on the table and tell each other if they are interested or not.
Oliver,
I had a nice big response for you but decided to keep it for ‘How to stop being nervous around beautiful women Part Two”
Give me a couple of days to write it.
cheers
Alex
Nice insights, Alex. I agree with what you say about developing standards – it kinda echoes the “be principle oriented, rather than validation oriented” philosophy which I heard some time ago and try to live by (yet I can’t remember who I heard it from).
The important thing to note there is that they must be your OWN standards. As long as you’re living by someone else’s standards, you’re still just trying to please – and falling into the trap of needing to be seen as the guy who has standards, just so that girls like you.
Peace.
Exactly. It’s not for the girl but your own sanity. It’s similar to buying a nice car. Yeah the car would attract lots of girls but you shouldn’t do it for any other reason than for the fact that you really like the car.
Always think, would this better my life and not would this get me more girls.
What! A nice car will not help me pick up girls??
Oliver I was once in your same position! and i stopped. Guess what, the same thing is happening with women that I find very attractive. Also, I learn quickly that many of these women are just like every other. They are all unique and some I like and some I do not. Again as mentioned here having standards has a plethora of benefits. I’m beginning to fear that my standards are too high and Ill be alone forever! But if you wait and truly do have very high standards there is a little nice benefit you get for your standards. You will start to develop a reputation within social circles as an unattainable man. This is when many gorgeous single women who are affiliated with those girls who know you will actually come up to you and want to get to know you. It takes time, and if you are naturally a friendly guy with passion in life that motivate you I’m sure the same will happen.