Now I’m not talking about the love that is done with the shades down, computer screen open and a handful of tissues. I mean the type of love that is unconditional, builds confidence and makes your life a whole lot happier.
Most people have different aspirations in life other than loving themselves. They want boats, women, money and so on but not love. They look outside of themselves searching to fill the empty hole in an attempt to find happiness. If you are looking to get relationship and dating mastery, loving yourself is the first place to start. No amount of pickup lines or techniques will EVER make up for a shaky inner reality filled with self loathing and doubt. It is the foundation for everything to go right in your relationships and in life.
I understand what you are thinking, that this is just some airy fairy self help advice. This is what I thought for the longest time but choosing to love myself has been the greatest gift that I could give.
The biggest problem that I had with people offering this advice was: they didn’t love themselves and didn’t offer a guide on how to do it. So here is my little guide to loving yourself:
1. Write out a list of things you appreciate about yourself
This can be a very difficult step to take. People are so used to wallowing in a pit of despair that they can EASILY fire off a list of complaints they have about themselves.
Ask most people what they like about themselves and they will stare at you with a blank confused look while they THINK about the good stuff mustering up one or two positive qualities.
Don’t get frustrated when the good qualities don’t come easily to mind. It takes time to meditate on what you love about yourself but it will come to you.
This is a crucial step to take, without finding out and actively appreciating yourself, how will anyone else?
2. Make the choice to love yourself
Everything in life is a choice and so is this one
3. Stop beating yourself up and ignore the thoughts
The mind/ego is a duality self loathing machine. It will constantly tell you that you are fatter and dumber than you really are. It does this to keep you halfway between suicide and happiness in order to continue its survival.
YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. You are not your thoughts any more than you are your muscles or skin. People often identify with how they look and I like to think that I’m more than a bone structure and the skin that covers it. You’ll never hear anyone get upset and say they are losing a part of themselves when their skin sheds and becomes dust.
The mind wont stop chattering away so make the choice to either engage in these thoughts or not. Most of the thoughts that your mind produces will not be based in reality at all.
An example of this would be a perfect ten model who thinks she’s fat. Everyone around her could tell her that she’s not but her ego will repeat this thought over and over. She isn’t actually fat, but she believes it to be true because she is identifying with the mind.
Ignore the thoughts that your mind produces. This can be very difficult. It takes time to master ignoring the negative mind thoughts.
4. Don’t use affirmations except this one
As I mentioned before the mind is a duality machine. If you take an affirmation like “I am great and all women love me” the mind will instantly produce the opposite. It will say “I suck and women hate me.” The first affirmation will make you feel high, feeling good for a little while until the duality kicks in and you crash with returning sadness.
“I love and accept myself completely just the way I am” will not induce the duality the mind makes because it is a universal truth that is self evident.
Next time you are feeling the temptation to buy into the mind when it says you are a loser, say “I love and accept myself completely the way I am” and notice how peaceful you will feel. It might take a couple of times repeating it until the peace sets in.
At first it might seem like you are lying but eventually loving yourself will become automatic.
5. Become honest with yourself
Now that you have taken a look at the good stuff it’s time to look at the “bad stuff.” Recognizing the things you consider bad about yourself isn’t the same as talking yourself down. When you take a trip into your own world don’t make judgments about the “bad stuff.” Don’t tell yourself ” I shouldn’t feel this way” or “I shouldn’t behave this way.” Just look at it the best you can without attaching a label to it.
Honesty will bring awareness into your “issues.” When you are aware of something it no longer has the ability to control you.
6. Forgive yourself
In order to forgive yourself for the “mistakes” you have made in the past you must first learn the lessons needed from them.
Mistakes happen and we make them in order to learn and grow. They are truly a beautiful thing.
7. Treat yourself nicely
-Buy nice clothes
-treat yourself to good foods
-buy good wine
-exercise
-meditate
-don’t work too hard
-don’t worry about life too much
-buy yourself an animal. It will help you to open up and feel more love in your life having an animal get extremely excited even though it just saw you ten seconds ago. (look at the picture at the top)
8. Don’t take crap from people
Quote from my blog
“Whenever we give our power away to others and take crap from them, it closes our hearts and causes us to pull back. It’s painful to be open with someone and have them take advantage of us or treat us not so nicely.”
Truly loving yourself means that you love yourself so much so to not let anyone disrespect you or treat you badly.
9. Push past your fears
Fear is only a product of the ego and the ego hates you. Its not your enemy to loath because its only doing what it knows how to do. Fear is an illusion that the ego uses to keep you nice and controlled. You find out that fear isn’t real after you push past it. The most common response after plowing through a fear is “well, that wasn’t so bad.”
Pushing past your fears and having the courage to do so will help lessen the egos self loathing control over you. It will build more confidence as well as help you love yourself more because loving yourself is your natural state buried underneath the ego.
Stumble It!
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Hey Alex,
I know you were joking about masturbation at the beginning of the post, but would you recommend masturbation without porn to cultivate self love? Or a sexual meditation thing without ejaculation? What is your take on that?
Thanks,
Michael
Hey alex, thats quite itneresting that you mentioned it. Altho am a womana nd I know we work differently than men, I still know some men that can masturbate by using their imagination and not pornographic material. I guess that helps to focus on your inner self and expand your imagination.
After all you might find out that if you let your imagination to run wild as you slowly become more aroused, you may discover thigns about your self that you didnt know. so it is about self discovery, exploring our minds.
In general now, this is nice article too. I wont find the term unconditional love usually in articles except if they are written by some spiritual nutter.
Unconditional love is pure love, without terms and labels indeed. and the steps are quite right, altho we all ahve our own way to achieve self awareness of even better self expansion.
I think it is uterly important to let go, relax, learn to like urself, learn to live with urself and aim for better. You gotta enjoy ur own company, before u expect others to.
In a way, unconditional love is an inner truth, and the love that we define thru rules and terms is partly ego love, so partly corrupted and distorted.
Is more like becomming honest and truthfull to ourselves, and even wen we give affirmations we have to do it with noble intentions and somehow believe it.
Hey Michael,
I answered your question here:
http://innergamereframe.com/is-porn-good-for-you/
Thanks a lot Yrah. Very true indeed. No tricks, no bullshit just yourself. Most people cringe when they hear ‘be yourself’ and say they have tried it. In reality they haven’t been their true selves only needy, insecure, weak versions of themselves.
Hello,
Thanks for article. Everytime like to read you.
Thanks
GlenStef
There is obviously a lot to know about this. I think you made some good points.
As a Newbie, I am always searching online for articles that can help me. Thank you
I’d like to subscribe via rss but not sure how to do that. Can you explain please?
In the upper right hand side of the site you will see ’subscribe’, click on that and it will take you to a subscribe page with a list of my articles. Click bookmark and you will be set
Or….
Sign up for the newsletter on the right hand side
Hey Alex,
In the part where you’re talking about having a pet it says “look at the picture above”. Which picture ?
That one Tupland
Oh you damn cracker
You still keep mistyping my name!
That will happen
Hi Alex, i have just read a few intriguing articles you have written. I have a question, whenever you are too scared to meet a woman because of her intimidating looks is this truely because of her looks or is it maybe that somewhere deep down she is not comfortable to be with and we should trust our feeling.
However this happened to me i was too afraid to meet this woman off the internet, and eventually she completely deleted me from her life. But now after four months has re- contacted me but said she is easy to delete me again if i dont meet her, all though she doesnt want to push it anymore.
By this time i had started seeing someone else who is nice and there for me, but now have asked for space from her.
To maybe give the woman i was scared of another chance? she might be what i truelly want, its just put me off her the way she lacked in understanding that i am a naturally shy person which is/ was me. Should she of accepted me for who i am and been patient to know me till i felt ready, or should i now change and push myself to be confident to meet her.
Im just interested in your views on this as i feel you could help me.
You can check out my views on dating people from the interenet here:
http://innergamereframe.com/the-temptation-of-online-dating/
As for ‘gut feeling vs insecurity’ you will have to wait a while until you can tell the difference between the two. For now just assume it’s you being nervous and insecure.
It’s very important NOT to identify yourself as someone who is “naturally shy.” In reality, it’s not who you are but the behaviors and beliefs you choose to have. It’s easier to change an unwanted behavior than it is something (shyness) you have identified with.
The major issue that arises with making an identity like the one you have is that it always gives you an excuse for just about anything- “we’ll that’s just who I am.” “I’m just shy”. Why didn’t you approach a girl? ’cause I’m shy’
Know that being shy is still and will always be a choice that you make. ‘been patient to know me till i felt ready’ with being shy or scared you will never feel ready. You simply have to dive right in and enjoy being uncomfortable.
Thankyou Alex this has helped clear my head some more =]. keep up the good work, love the site!
I am 1.62 m tall. I hate myself and I hate women too because they reject me. How could I accept and love myself the way I am? I feel inferior!
You’re not but it doesn’t matter because YOU have already chosen to hate yourself..so enjoy it