As I mentioned earlier in Part one of Biggest Dating/ Relationship Mistakes, the first week or two will be amazing and the girl will seem almost perfect but this is before her pain body comes out to play.
People are very good at hiding their imperfections and faults that would make you second guess your choice to be with that person. No matter how good of an actress or how well hidden her dark secrets are, the undesirable and deal breaking behaviors will rise to the surface.
When the pain body does come out you may find yourself in a situation where you think it might be time to move on. VERY OFTEN, men make the mistake of not moving on for several reasons:
1. They still hold onto the “perfect girl” image.
It is very painful and frustrating to the ego to find out that the person you are with is not as good as you once thought. From this, the mind will make rationalizations for her unwanted behavior because it can’t or won’t face the possibility that she might not be right for you.
2. The fear of becoming lonely and single again is too much to bear
This is a neediness issue. You need someone to make you feel happy or fill that gap inside of yourself. At the core of this is a fear of dying alone and being miserable.
The irony is that if you can’t be happy alone you won’t be happy with someone else.
3. You have already invested so much time in her that you feel like you don’t have the energy to do it again with a new girl
You feel as though you have wasted all those hours teaching her what you know only to end up with nothing in the end.
Time is never wasted on an incompatible partner because you learn and grow from this experience. Every “bad” relationship will get you one step closer to one that works.
4. Trying to save her
This is a big issue for men, especially the “nice” ones. Knowledge by reading this site will help you with your relationship but YOU CAN’T HELP SOMEONE THAT DOESN’T WANT HELP.
It’s a sad fact but many people are comfortable with their pain and miserable lives. They don’t want help from you. Your help will actually make the relationship worse off than it already is.
Men often go into sympathy with women who have issues. They want be superman and rescue their Louis Lane from the perils of pain.
My take on helping others is this: I will help anyone that truly wants to change. I don’t care how deep or difficult their issues are as long as they try.
I am not a martyr trying to save the world. I won’t help anyone who doesn’t want to try to change themselves.
Trying to save someone who isn’t willing to help themselves is like trying to move a pen with your mind. Hours, days and months of frustration with the pen not moving one inch.
All of your efforts will go to waste and leave two people worse off than they were when they first met.
5. Avoid getting down on themselves for picking the wrong girl
6. Trying to make up for past mistakes
Guilt and shame get associated with painful mistakes. It’s a human tendency to “punish” ourselves in an attempt to not make the same mistakes twice.
When a similar opportunity arises we often try to make up for our past. We believe by doing the “right” thing this time around we will somehow be able to let go of some of this guilt and shame from our mistakes.
This is done often through new relationships that aren’t healthy. We try to prove that we can do and are a lot wiser.
The irony is that they are making the same mistake by holding onto the wrong girl.
6. Not wanting to hurt the woman’s feelings
Face it, break ups hurt but dragging a bad relationship out will hurt much worse.
Bad relationships come down to incompatibility between two people. Its best for both people involved to not try and force a relationship that clearly doesn’t work and allow themselves the freedom to search for one that does.
“I’m not for everyone” and wouldn’t want to waste someone else’s time on a fruitless excursion.
What most men don’t realize is that facing the possibility that they are holding onto to the wrong girl and being honest with themselves is far greater than being in an unhealthy relationship.
It is quite time consuming and painful to try and float a sinking ship that will inevitably hit the bottom of the ocean.
The path to relationship mastery will be met with many mistakes. It took Edison 10,000 tries before he figured out the correct way to make a light bulb. When asked about it, he said “I learned 9,999 ways NOT to make a light bulb.”
Holding onto a girl that isn’t right for you is like holding onto one of the mistakes on your road to learning relationship mastery. Mistakes happen and the perfect girl for you will come when you least expect it but she won’t be able to come into your life if you are busy wasting time stuck in a bad relationship.
Show some love in the comments. Feedback and Discussion are HIGHLY encouraged; it’s what makes this blog alive!
Check back for Biggest Relationship Mistakes Part Three
*EDIT* There is a very nice conversation going on in the comments that is worth checking out.
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“Time is never wasted on an incompatible partner because you learn and grow from this experience.”
I’ve been struggling with this idea, didn’t really realize it til now. Thanks.
“What most guys don’t realize is that facing the possibility that they are holding onto to the wrong girl and being honest with themselves is far greater than being in a crappy relationship. It is quite time consuming and painful to try and float a sinking ship that will inevitably hit the bottom of the ocean.
The path to relationship mastery will be met with many mistakes. It took Edison 10,000 tries before he figured out the correct way to make a light bulb. When asked about it, he said “I learned 9,999 ways NOT to make a light bulb.”
Holding onto a girl that isn’t right for you is like holding onto one of the mistakes on your road to learning relationship mastery. Mistakes happen and the perfect girl for you will come when you least expect it but she won’t be able to come into your life if you are busy wasting time stuck in a bad relationship.”
I know that personally for me, the above point is my struggle. Trying to determine if I stay in this for my kids or if I do something for myself.
Alex your blog rocks, keep on posting and I promise I’ll keep on reading.
Maybe it’s time to write a book and start selling a few copies, I know I would buy a book from you if you wrote it. Time to look into getting a publisher for your pearls of wisdom.
@Adam thanks a lot man for the comment and stopping by : )
@Rob Kids learn about their relationships and pretty much everything from their parents. If their parents are constantly fighting they will pick up some of these unhealthy beliefs and habits. Your kids will grow up thinking that how a marriage or a relationship works is by staying with the wrong person till the bitter end. Then when your kids grow up you will be showing them my site.
Statistics say that kids have a better chance of growing up better when the parents stay together. Statistics aren’t always right. They have an equal chance of being screw up when the parents stay together as they do being apart.
Thanks for your comment. And yes I will be sharing pearls of wisdom very soon. I’m working on a product right now to teach guys how to have rock solid natural confidence when talking with women. Although it’s for approaching the lessons I teach are needed for relationships as well.
Statistics aren’t the only tools of a scientist and they can also be greatly misleading. I believe in using science to find what is true and a single statistical figure is never science alone. Science is about critisizing everything until one gets it right.
Example: Does the statistics consider wether the reason kids might do worse is if having divorced parents is a reason for other kids teasing them, outcasting them from the social group? Have those researching these numbers done research in an area where divorce rates are high and normal? Both of my best friends had divorced parents, my uncle and aunt divorced themselves. All these kids did very well. What I seem to have noticed is what *does* screw kids up is not having stability. Parents can divorce and still provide a stable home for the kids, I’ve seen this first hand.
Alex,
I appreciate the comment at the end of this post welcoming feedback. This could be a problem for me. I don’t think I’m worthy enough to ask a question that could help me. I think, “I’m doing ok, I’ll let other people ask questions,” and that doesn’t help me get anywhere. Thanks for having this blog
Hello to all
I can’t understand how to add your site in my rss reader. Help me, please
Hey,
There are three ways you can subscribe to Inner Game Reframe:
1. Rss Feeds. In the upper right hand corner you will see the word “subscribe” click on it and it will take you to another page with all the articles. Hit “subscribe now”.
2. Subscribe to the newsletters. I send all the posts out to my mailing lists
3. Add me as a friend on facebook. Every time I have a new post it will let all of my friends on facebook know about it.
@ Michael
Ask away, it helps me write better. It’s much easier to start with a question or a problem then it is to sit and think of what to write about
It’s odd how so many people hang on to miserable situations because they are afraid of change and failure. They think ending a relationship is a failure. It’s not. We all go through phases in life, and we grow and evolve at different rates. It’s not fair to you or the person you’re with to chain someone down out of habit. Sometimes people grow apart, and that’s ok.
Never settle.
Exactly, fear of failure prevents you from growth and finally getting it right. Society’s view of relationships contribute to people holding onto the wrong people, especially marriage.
Thanks for the comment TBK
I really agree about “time is never wasted on an incompatible partner because we can learn and grow from this experience”, I have gotten this experience, and make me stronger.
I have been reading these articles and he hits the nail on the head about me alot. I will continue reading. I’m becoming educated now. My road is still long, winding but i got to travel it and now with this knowledge I am gaining by reading Alex Strandbergs articles will help make the road to me understanding relationships more clearer..
I got to be happy with myself first..
@Dating Girl: Most people fear screwing up their lives and making mistakes. It’s always ironic that these mistakes will turn into something positive one day if they allow it. This entire site was not created by the positive experiences I have had with women. It was created out of the hard (and most times painful) experiences with women. I learned, grew and am now giving back to help others.
@Robert: great stuff Robert. You are beyond the point of hopelessness where you feel something is off but you have no idea what to do about it. At this point you understand it will take time but you are comfortable with that and no longer desperate to fix your life.
I am not sure I fully understand you: are you discarding the possibility of trying to make things work out, and, instead, are suggesting to move on from one woman to another every time there is an issue? Or are you saying to let go only after you’ve seen that it’s useless trying?
I’m a man, and although I agree with everything you say about leading, I really appreciate if someone gives me feedback and wants to see change in me. I think it would be sad if a woman broke up with me just because she thought I have issues that I am not ready to change, or am not ready to be “saved”.
You also talk critically about marriage. In general, do you believe that all relationships end one day and we must always move on? Do you believe in “settling”?
Thank you
CWS,
I’m not suggesting going from one girl to another at the first sign of trouble. You would never be able to have a relationship without going through trying times. I strongly suggest that men do whatever they can to salvage a relationship before moving on.
The key factor in deciding to stay in a relationship or not is if she (or if you are a woman, he) is sincerely willing to change. It doesn’t matter how bad things are or how much work someone needs, I will still stay in a relationship as long as they are committed to fixing issues, problems etc. The second that I KNOW that this person deep down is unwilling to change I’m gone.
Part of the reason I get into relationships with women is that it helps further my mission. A main ingredient to my mission is growth. If the woman doesn’t want to grow she will fall behind and my mission will suffer because of it.
I greatly believe marriage is an outdated system that we could do without. It’s not committing yourself to one person that is the problem, it’s committing yourself forever without the understanding that people change.
One day you might wake up as a completely different person with different wants and different needs. This will cause a strain on the relationship and cause you both to drift apart. A lot of people will stay in the relationship because of the vow that they took to be “together forever” regardless of how they feel today.
If the dynamic changes what you get is either two people who hate one another or become friends with no sexual attraction.
A better solution is to take it one day at a time and accept that you have no idea what tomorrow will hold. This will take off a lot of the unnecessary pressure that comes from marriage and a together forever commitment. You may end up being together forever or you may not. Whatever happens no one is forced to stay together, they choose to be together.
Hi Alex, thanks a lot for your very elaborate answer. I’d like to address a few more questions if you don’t mind, since I really like a many of your ideas, and what you have written on other posts here inspire me with newer ways of looking even at this kind of problem.
I agree that staying committed should be a choice and not forced upon. However, don’t you think that – just as there are certain rules and mistakes in keeping the attraction in the first phase of dating (which you focus on mostly in the advice you give) – there can be also ways to improve the “inner game” during the relationship in order to to increase ones’ desire of wanting to be together with the same person?
Let’s look at it this way:
If you have a mission and your girlfriend is assisting you throughout it, then for what reasons would any of you two wake up one day with totally different needs and desires? What do you mean exactly: is it a kind of change in your mission, a variation?
If she was willing to get with you in the first place, what would make her not want to change together with you?
What I’m asking is basically: what are the key factors that destroy the empathy? Or, putting in your words, what exactly makes the dynamic change?
Thanks again.
Alex this is the best website ever. Everything you put on here is just like me all these relationship faults. But you also give great advice and i intend on using it keep it up man!
Thanks a lot Matt. Hope you use it to good use and tell your friends
I think I did a lot of these things in my prior marriage of 8 years. It was a very tough realization to come to terms with a “sinking ship.” And it ended up taking me the last two years of the marriage to leave her. I think the two reasons that I struggled with were the “time investment-new girl” and “beating myself up for picking the wrong woman” (that you mention here).
I eventually pushed past all of the ones you mentioned, moved out and filed
for divorce. The fortunate part is that we were able to do it all amicably, without
any drama and salvaged a friendship. And we’re both happier people today than we were eight months ago.
I just think it’s really ironic (and funny) that I find your website after the storm has passed…trying to figure out what went wrong, what worked and didn’t work, etc. And that you’ve addressed about every mistake that I made before and during the marriage.
Geez, where were you ten years ago, LOL! But you’re right, there’s also a lot of crap out there on the Internet that can be misleading and misguided about dating and relationships. Thanks, Alex. And thanks for everyone’s insight and input here under the various articles.
Thanks for the comment Irish. It’s a good thing that you found my website AFTER your marriage fell apart, otherwise you might try to salvage something that is beyond repair.
In failing relationships there is a big attachment to it working out. Every time she does something (or he does something) that can be considered “good” in the relationship you typically jump for joy on the inside. It’s nothing special but your attachment over emphasizes the value.
If you have any questions about healing wounds or getting back into the “game” so to speak, email me at questions@innergamereframe.com
Great post man.
IMHO your #1 “It is very painful and frustrating to the ego to find out that the person you are with is not as good as you once thought.” is by FAR the biggest issue.
For many of us focused on self growth, the larger issue is that we are continually evolving and if you hooked up with a girl that doesn’t have that mindset of growth – unfortunately you are likely to find that you have moved up and she hasn’t. A great approach is to keep focused on selecting girls that are driven to grow themselves.
First off, Thank You. I was dating a man I work with for about 2 months and he told me about his ex who turned out to be married. She also aborted 2 of his children. They have been together on and off for 3 yrs.
He would tell me every time she would come by and beg him to take her back, he told me at first he wouldn’t do it. As time went on he became weaker. Finally he confessed after new years that he was with her for new years eve and day. I stopped talking to him and at work. He began to make aggressive moves at work to get me to talk to him again. I called him after having a few drinks to keep from loosing it.
He tells me that they are getting married at the clubhouse this year. His said his ex gave him what he wanted (divorce and to realize that she was going to loose him forever)
He claims he wants to remain friends with me and he did care allot for me and I would not believe how attracted he was to me.
I was falling for him and we made future plans together. Its so hard to deal with at work. I’m not sure what to do.