Question: What’s the best way to approach a girl for the first time that you know nothing about, or have not talked to before? And how long should a good conversation last?

Joe.

Answer: The ‘best’ way to approach a girl is both a difficult and simple question to answer. Why? Because it depends on you.

The ‘best’ way is dependent on what you want to achieve.

If you want to start a relationship (whether that be overnight or long term) with woman where you’re stuck in your head all the time, hiding what you’re really thinking and really feeling, just so that she’ll hang out with you…

…then just take some kind of bootcamp, learn some cheap tricks, spend months (if not years) trying to internalise them, and you might find a girl who is silly enough to fall for your tricks.

But, if you want start a relationship (once again, overnight or long term) where you’re just free to be yourself, then the ‘best’ way to approach a woman is start it like that.

If you see an attractive girl and want to talk to her, simply say that.

If you see an attractive girl and want to talk to her but don’t know what to say, say that.

If you see an attractive girl and want to talk to her but you’re nervous about what other people think, then say that.

I’ve got a thread on my forum on this exact thing.

Learn how to approach women naturally here

Now, a lot of guys worry about looking ‘weak’ by doing this: “I can’t just say what I think and how I feel. If she knows that I care about what other people think, she’ll think I’m not manly enough…”

If this is what you think, consider this:

Does it take more strength to pretend like you don’t care what other people think or to do what you want to do, despite the fact you care about what other people think?

Does it take more strength to hide who you are or express who you are?

Something to consider…

One thing I need to make clear. I’m not saying that this approach will get you every girl, every time.

This approach will help you just be free, happy, and open around women without being stuck in your head trying to impress her.

How much would your success with women improve if you able to be free, open, and happy around them?

Now to the second part of your question: how long should a good conversation last?

A good conversation should last as long as it needs to last to achieve it’s outcome.

Yes… I know… Ambiguous shit again… but think about this:

If you have an idea in your head that a conversation needs to last 10 minutes for it to be successful, then you’re going to try and hang in there for 10 minutes, regardless of what’s going on.

What if she’s in a hurry?

What if she’s with her family?

What if her boyfriend is coming back?

Conversely, what if you’re in a hurry?

What if you’re with your family?

What if your other girlfriend is coming back?

And more importantly, what if you could leave her wanting more by walking away before the tension had time to die off?

A good interaction lasts as long as it needs to last to achieve the desired outcome.

What’s the desired outcome?

You want to know what kind of woman she is, you want her to know what kind of Man you are, and if you’re compatible, you want to find a way to contact each other again.

That’s all you need.

How long does that take?

Well, in most cases, she’s already sized you up before you open your mouth.

I know it sounds rough but it’s usually true. High quality women have been hit on by enough guys to be able to tell whether or not you’re the kind of Man she is willing to give a shot before you squeeze out your “Hi, I’m…”

This is actually the best thing possible for you.

Why? Because you can’t convince her to like you. She’s already made up her mind before you speak so there’s really no point in trying to change her mind.

Stop focussing on changing her mind and just have fun. You can’t change her mind so give up on it. Spend your time learning how to have fun, how to laugh, how to enjoy you time with her, regardless of whether she comes wants to be with you.

That way, you’re going to win no matter what.

Now, everything I’ve given you here is the ‘what’ you need to do. It’s a quick tool you can use to start things off.

Now for the ‘how’ you to make this change…

There’s an underlying layer that governs everything in your interactions with women. It determines how easy, effortless and free or difficult, painful, and frustrating things are.

It determines everything that goes on and unless you change it, you’ll be searching for tricks to help you be more attractive to women for ever.

You can read about it in Seduction Community Sucks.

Download it for free from the right hand side now.

Leigh

I get it. I know it’s tough. I know what it feels like to see the girl you want and not be get past your approach anxiety.

On the flip side, I also know what it feels like to be able to beat approach anxiety and walk up to a beautiful woman without going through anything other than intense sense of curiosity.

Sound good? Well, here’s the 6 things that helped me beat approach anxiety forever.

1. Approach anxiety isn’t genetically programmed

Approach anxiety isn’t brought on by your d514 gene activating as a result of your ancestors fear of being kicked out of their tribe or any other evolutionary psychology phenomena.

If it was genetically programmed, you wouldn’t be able to get rid of it.

You can’t change the shape of your eyes (without surgery). You can’t grow another arm.

If approach anxiety was genetically programmed, there’s no way you’d ever be able to eradicate it. Thousands of people have so this is crap.

2. Approach anxiety isn’t caused by anything outside you.

Beautiful women don’t make you experience anxiety, you make you experience anxiety.

You don’t experience ‘nice car anxiety’, you don’t experience ‘beautiful painting anxiety’, you don’t expereince ‘watching a beautiful woman on a TV anxiety’. You experience anxiety want to talk to a beautiful woman. Beautiful women aren’t programmed with some kind of gamma ray that makes you anxious when you see them. God didn’t give her some kind of anxiety spell.

Approach anxiety is something that you create inside yourself when you think about taking on a task that has specific requirements (see next point).

3. The amount of anxiety you experience doing anything in life (especially approaching women) is determined by your perception of your skill and the challenge of the activity.

Mihayli Csikszentmihalyi caem up with the term ‘Flow’ to describe his scientific investigation of ‘being in state’ or ‘being in the zone’.

One of the major findings of his work that ran for over 30 years is that to get into state, the perceived level of challenge in an activity has to equal to the perceived level of skill, at a challenging but achievable level.

When you get this challenge / skill balance, you experience flow / state.

He also discovered was that an imbalance in challenge and skill results in a different experience. When skill exceeds challenge, you get bored. When challenge exceeds skill, you get anxiety.

4. To overcome your approach anxiety, you need to change your perception of skill and / or challenge.

If your perceived skill level matched your perceived challenge level for seducing a woman, you would be ‘in state’ every time you approached a woman. If you’re reading this, then it’s obviously not.

If you’re getting bored when you’re approaching women, it’s because your skill level is too high for the perceived challenge.

If you’re experiencing approach anxiety, it’s because your perceived challenge level is higher than your perceived skill.

If you want to beat approach anxiety forever, you need change either the perceived challenge level or your perceived skill level.

5. Trying to change your skill level to eradicate approach anxiety forever is a flawed method.

Most people think that the easiest part to change in this equation is their perceived skill level.

They go out and either try to prove to themselves that they already have the skill to talk to women by doing warm up sets or they try and increase their skill level by practising techniques and methods on set after set.

This is a flawed method to overcome your approach anxiety.

If you rely on other peoples responses to change your perception of your current skill level then it might work once, or twice, or even a few times, but what happens when it doesn’t (because it’s going to)?

What happens when someone doesn’t want to talk to you? Then you’re right back at square one again – massive approach anxiety because you perceive your skill to be less than the perceived challenge level.

6. To overcome approach anxiety forever, you need to change the perceived challenge.

The challenge level you face in any activity is determined by the purpose you have for the interaction. Whatever you’re trying to achieve determines what you have to do to achieve that goal.

If you’re experiencing anxiety then it’s clear you’re trying to do something that pushes the perceived challenge out of your perceived skill range – like trying to make her attracted to you.

What challenges do you face in trying to make a woman attracted to you?

You have to get within physical proximity of you.

You have to get her attention.

You have to be able to communicate with her.

You have to work out what kind of man she wants.

You have to attempt to demonstrate those characteristics whilst simultaneously hiding who you really are.

This is why you’re experiencing approach anxiety.

You don’t know how to work out what kind of man she’s attracted to and you don’t think you can demonstrate them whilst hiding who you really are, long enough for her to want to be with you.

If you change your purpose to something achievable, then the perception of challenge will drop and so will the anxiety.

If you change your purpose to ‘Trying to find out if she’s the kind of person you want in your life’ then what kind of challenges do you face?

You have to get within physical proximity of her.

You have to be able to communicate with her.

Anything else? No. Nothing.

If you change your purpose to this, then what you’re more likely to experience is boredom due to the lack of challenge and you’re only going to be really interested in women who’re able to really challenge your verbally.

Sound like the kind of life you want?

To start this journey, download your free copy of Seduction Community Sucks from the right hand side of this page.

Inside you’ll find how your purpose relates to every area of your interactions with women and how you can change it so every barrier disappears at once.

Leigh

I’m a man of few words so I’ll keep this short…

They love to fuck as much as we do. Never forget that!

***QUESTION FROM A READER***

Hey Alex,

I have run into some problems with an on again off again girlfriend of the past couple of years. I was cheated on by her and she lied about it. At first she claimed that she had been raped by this guy and later she confessed that she wasn’t. At the time I felt like it wasn’t really her fault and she deserved another chance but now I know that it was her fault.

I feel trapped by the situation because she is my first love and I feel like she could be the one but she has lied to me so many times before. We don’t go out now but we talk on a regular basis (she is literally obsessed with me). I feel stupid for falling for her lies over and over but I still have strong feelings for her. I have grown from the whole experience but am still very confused.

What should I do now? Should I break it off or find a way to get over it and go ahead with our new relationship?

***MY RESPONSE***

There are many people who say you can continue a relationship after being cheated on or doing the cheating. They claim that it’s possible to move on from that dark period and continue to love each other just the same as you first did when those three magical words entered the relationship.

The truth is that a relationship dies once you step outside of it, particularly in your case. It was your first love and first loves always come with a strong sense of innocence and vulnerability. The more open you are, the more it will hurt when someone betrays you like she did. Once your trust is broken it’s almost impossible to get that naive wide eyed feeling back.

It’s always a good idea to never fully trust someone until they prove that they are worthy of your trust. Blind faith will get you hurt over and over again unless you are extremely lucky.

During the time when she should have been building that trust she was sneaking around on you with another guy. Vulnerability of a first love combined with her not creating strong trust in the relationship will create a lot of trust issues.

The only way you could trust her now would be to constantly keep a close eye on her every single day or decide to ignore your intuition all together. You can only ignore your intuition about someone for so long so we will go with the other solution: constant surveillance.

Only after months (maybe years) of close observation could you trust that she won’t cheat on you again. Constantly checking her emails, phone calls, texts for any signs of infidelity.

The problem with this solution is that your paranoia and watching her every move will cause her to lose attraction for you. This could lead her to cheat on you again or even worse stay in a non-attraction based relationship.

Then there is the question of why she is talking to you now. It could be that she genuinely wants to be with you and loves you. But there is also a chance that she is doing it out of guilt over what she did in the past. By making you happy and giving you what you want she can finally shed the guilt that has been corroding her thoughts.

There are some people who make a mistake of cheating once, come clean and break it off the relationship. They wronged the other person because the relationship wasn’t working in the first place. It was a mistake but they had enough respect not to continue to hurt the other person.

Then there is the other group of people who cheat because they believe sex is their only value. In a new relationship they feel amazing when they hear ‘I love you’ and their self esteem rises. After a while of hearing the L word on a daily basis it starts to lose it’s value and so do they. Restlessness starts to kick in and they begin to try and gather value from another source and so cheating begins.

Another reason for wanting to be with you is that she misses someone who idealizes her. Having a person look at you like you like you are the most beautiful creator that ever existed feels good. She longs to see you look at her with those loving and adoring eyes.

You need to ask yourself is she in it for me or the way I feel about her? If it’s the way that you feel about her then just about anyone could take your place. Any schmuck could kiss up to her and make her out to be a goddess.

The point is that you don’t fully know why she wants to be with you. I know that you deeply wish that she wants you simply for you but what if you are wrong. If you miscalculate the situation the pain that you feel now will become much greater. Pulling yourself out it will become much harder to do.

People never enjoy feeling dumb for letting others take advantage of them. It hurts the ego to such a great degree that they avoid it at all costs. If it does happen they respond by either trying to run from it or trying to mend the situation. This could possible be part of your motivation for wanting to be with her.

If you call it quits with this girl right now you will have to admit that you made a mistake and continued to do so for several years. The longer you go in the wrong direction the harder it becomes to stop. Foolish pride will often force people to continue on the wayward path instead of admitting that they were wrong.

Part of the reason why you want to be with her could stem from your desire to avoid owning up to your mistakes. You hope that she is the one because if she is then you get to avoid the embarrassment of sticking it out for all those years only to end up with nothing.

You mentioned that she told you she was raped by him but it turned out that she was just covering her ass. There are little white lies and then there are lies that are extremely disturbing. The lie that she told could have created a very awful situation for you or him. What if you had gotten enraged and gone to fight the guy? Taken a baseball bat to his head? Assault with a deadly weapon would have ended up with you being raped behind bars.

She endangered the lives of two people because she couldn’t tell the truth. That’s extremely neurotic and she needs to seek the help of a therapist as soon as possible. If she didn’t seek psychological help to fix her deep seeded problems then she will still be the same person. When you are that messed up to cry rape you can’t get over it without years of therapy. Has she done that?

You mentioned that she could be the one but I have some harsh truth for you…there is no such thing as the one. There is not just one person out there that is your twin flame or soul mate or someone who will complete you. It’s a concept created to make relationships and married seem more romantic then they really. And to sell more Meg Ryan movies.

With three and a half billion women walking the planet today statistically speaking there  are thousands (if not millions) of women who will be almost exactly the same as this one girl. There will be tons of women who share the good qualities that this girl posses but without all the complications.

If it was me I would walk away from her completely. If you decide to stay you might end up losing those rose colored glasses you are wearing and see the situation for what it is and her for who she is. At that point you might be married with three kids and a mortgage, making it very difficult to break free of this woman.

This advice is coming from experience because I was in a very similar situation when I was younger. This girl I was dating claimed that she raped by one of her friends despite the fact that she continued to hang out with him. It was a lie but I was too blind to see the situation for what was really going on. Luckily I woke up before something bad happened like getting married or contracting an std.

If you choose to stay single the first thing you need to do is break ALL contact with this girl. No sobbing good byes or one last fuck. No talking. No texting. No emails. Nothing.

When she is in your life in some form your judgment becomes skewed by your loving feelings. Around her the truth gets buried deep beneath the tingle she sends up your leg. Remove her from the equation and take the time to look at your relationship and her from an OBJECTIVE point of view.

Not having any contact with her will be quite difficult at first because of your history together. You’re an addict and she is your fix. Remove her from your facebook, block her email and even go as far as block her phone number so as to have no temptation.

Become disciplined in your decision to never see her again. Over time the truth about her will start to rise to the surface. Loneliness and confusion will be against you but your resolve will lead you to do a day where everything becomes clear. In one monumental moment everything will hit you like a ton of bricks and you will no longer miss her.

She will go from a painfully cruel joke to just a joke. You will look back upon it and barely believe that it was you in that tragic tale.

A few drinks deep and trying your best to fight off a migraine from the bass of the house music. Everyone is dancing, drinking and enjoying themselves but you stick to the back with your buddies to have another round. A blond enters your view and quickly catches your attention. Her ill fitting top caresses her tight, silky and artificially tanned body. It fits in all the right places and shows off all of the right parts.

She fills you with the excitement that so many women before her have. What I wouldn’t give to f**k her is the only thought that crosses your mind. A thought so profound that you can’t help but to repeat it to your friends. They laugh and join in with their particulars of what they would do to the girl and what they would do to be able have her. Good times. You no longer see her but the contour and specifics of her body are burned into your mind for the rest of the night.

Sound familiar? I bet it does. You think nothing of it but it’s moments like these that cause you to be nervous around beautiful women and kill your chances of ever being able to be with that girl except in your masturbatory fantasies. When women see guys who show these types of behaviors they automatically get label as a wanker.

What is a Wanker?

A wanker is your typical average guy who sprays his shorts over every decent to hot looking girl that walks by. He is not concerned about whether or not this girl is a snob, a bitch, stuck up, controlling, sweet or has an amazing personality. The ONLY thing he cares about is the way she looks. It doesn’t matter if this girl is on the run from the cops for chopping off her husbands pecker and throwing it out a moving car but just as long as she is attractive he’s happy.

Why is being a wanker detrimental to your success with women?

A large portion of your nervousness around beautiful women comes from the way that you think and treat these women. Whenever you get over excited about a good looking girl coming in the door you are training yourself to put women on a pedestal.

Every time you see an attractive female and think to yourself oh God, she’s so hot you are pushing yourself further and further away being able to actually be with her. This happens for several reasons:

1. Your Self Esteem is Low

She moves and your eyes follow her. Peeking a look at that gorgeous body, while trying your best not to get caught, but she knows you are looking and she knows what you are thinking. In those few brief moments you have already told her that you have a great desire to sleep with her.

You are willing to sleep with a girl without knowing anything about her beside the way she looks. What does that say about you? Or your self esteem? It sends a direct message to the girl that 1) your self esteem is so low that you would sleep with her regardless of whether or not she is the right girl for you and 2) you have no standards when it comes to women.

2. You are Affirming That She is Out of Your League

Most people love the attention they get from their admirers, who look up to them with those loving eyes. Who doesn’t enjoy a good compliment or kindness from a stranger? That type of attention feels good to the ego but kills the attraction every time.

Despite what movies teach you about a love struck romeo who only needs to tell a girl how he feels, showering someone with affection and attention doesn’t equal attraction. Showing her how much you like her doesn’t mean she will get a tingle up her leg.

It’s almost impossible to be attracted to someone who feels BLESSED or would GIVE ANYTHING to JUST BE WITH YOU.

She sees you glaring at her but she knows what lies beneath the surface. She knows that if she was to give you the lightest amount of attention you would almost inevitably think to yourself how could I get this lucky? Wow, this must be a lucky shirt. I’m never taking this off again! If you think that being with her would be the equivalent of winning the lottery then she is out of your league.

3. It Automatically Puts You in the Same Category as Every Other Guy

This wouldn’t be such a bad thing if almost every guy out there understood how to create attraction in women. Unfortunately, this is not the case and you emotional response to a beautiful women will lump you into a category with the rest of the unlucky guys.

Every man that has hit on her inappropriately, grabbed her without consent, stared at her chest with no regard or one of the other million different creepy things that men typically do, will be linked to you. Women are very intuitive, even if they can’t articulate it properly at times, and will pick up on your lust for her. She can tell and you will forever be branded into the creepy category. Once you are placed in that spot there is no coming back.

4. You are in a Position of Weakness Instead of Power

You have trained yourself over the years to have the same emotionally strong response to when a beautiful woman walks by. This response is not one of choice but of compulsion. You see her, she’s hot and you want to automatically sleep with her. There is no gap between the stimulus (hot girl) and your response (sexual excitement).

Power comes from the ability to choose. Whether it’s your friends, job, women, what you do with your time, it’s a matter how choice. The less of a choice you have in these things or how you respond to a situation the less power you will possess.

When she walks by, you are not choosing whether you will allow or not to allow yourself to feel attracted to this woman. You are not choosing the type of response to her physical attractiveness, it simply happens all on it’s own.

Stop Being Nervous Around Women and Move into a Place of Power

Having this type of sexual and emotional reaction to aesthetically appealing women is a force of habit just like any other. It has taken years upon years to train yourself to think and behave this way but it’s very possible to turn it all around. It will take time but the payoff is worth the wait.

Here are simply things you can start doing now to stop this automatic process:

1. Stop Talking to Your buddies about Hot Girls

There is a slight sense of camaraderie that goes along with making jokes and talking about how gorgeous some women are. It brings you together through a common interest. It helps you to make friends but at the end of the day having choice with women is far more valuable then a few jokes.

Whenever you do this you are reinforcing a negative behavior with something positive. Your negative behavior is getting over excited about some girl you saw and reinforcing it with a positive socially accepting response from your friends. It’s the high you get from a fix when you know you shouldn’t doing it in the first place.

Completely stop talking to your friends about these women. No more dude, did you see that girl? or OMG, she is frickin hot. I would love to (fill in the blank) her. Your mind might continue with these thoughts but they still don’t need to go anywhere but your mind.

2. Understand that beauty is NOT a BIG DEAL

So often in our culture do we praise and worship beautiful people. You see it in ads, magazines, billboards. Women and men are held in high regard for something they didn’t earn. Good looks is something that is given naturally with a few tweaks along the way. They didn’t work for it and earn it through sweat and persistence. No, it’s something that they were born with.

Whenever your mind starts up with it’s thoughts about how amazing that girl looked, remind yourself that looks are not that big of a deal. The men who are most successful with women don’t really care too much what she looks like. The girl has to be good looking for them to be biologically turned on but they don’t make a big fuss over how the girl looks. They appreciate a good looking woman but it doesn’t make their day or they don’t sport wood over it-she’s cute in a nonchalant tone.

If you are still having a tough time understanding that looks aren’t that big of a deal you need to spend more time with beautiful women. People who live in small towns get very excited about hot women because so few are around but if you lived in California or New York good looking women are a dime a dozen.

Go out to a club with intention of getting rid of your wanker response. Go in and take a look around at all the beautiful women and tell yourself it’s not that big of a deal.

3. Stop Watching Porn

Well, at least for now. When you get off to images or videos of beautiful women you are creating wonderful fantasies about these women. You are instilling the belief that YOU CAN’T GET THESE WOMEN. The only time you are able to have these women in through your mind, computer screen and a cheap bottle of hand lotion.

You might not think of much of your happy time but you mind thinks a lot of it. It reinforces the belief that You are NOT GOOD ENOUGH to be able to attract beautiful women.

Most masturbating isn’t an act of self exploration done in an attempt to further your sexuality but more in a hurried act of nervousness with one hand on your piece and one eye on the door. You are nervous about getting caught and this uneasiness gets associated with beautiful women. Your mind generalizes things and it will take the nervousness you felt to one beautiful porn star you got off to and link it to all beautiful women.

When the I’m not good enough feelings get accompanied by your nervousness from your porn habits you end up with very bad social interactions. A good bit of your confidence in talking with women comes from having positive experiences. If your nervous the first time talking to women from your shades down lotion out activities the interaction will leave you with a negative impression of talking to women. If you continue to watch porn and still try to talk to women your nervousness around approaching them will only get worse.

Throw out your Jergens and close your account with your choice porn site-it’s for the best. If you can’t seem to find something to fill the time left by your porn habits read this article:

http://innergamereframe.com/is-porn-good-for-you/

4. Develop Standards When it Comes to Women

Earlier in this article I mentioned coming from a place of power instead of weakness and standards is the best way to do this. Standards allow you to override that gut level reaction to the sexual Goddess. You still feel it but asking yourself is she the type of girl I want? will allow that response to be greatly reduced.

Normally, men question their own value and wonder if they are good enough for the girl. This leads to all sorts of approval seeking which can kill the attraction and make you very nervous. Instead of underestimating your own value, ask yourself if she is good enough for you? Does she meet your standards?

When you ask yourself if this girl is good enough for you it changes the whole dynamic. The anxiety is minimized and often times becomes none existent. You are also placed in a position of choice instead of merely reacting to what is happening to you.

Get into a habit of having standards for every attractive woman you see. When you see her, automatically ask yourself is she a nice person? Does she look like a giver or a taker? Will she be right for me? Even if you never speak to these women still ask yourself these questions.

You can even take is a step further by qualifying everyone that you talk to. Not in an arrogant I’m better than everyone type of way but in a will this person be good for me? Will they hurt me or help me?

Most men fear developing standards because they are in such desperation for to take anything they can get. The irony is that if you are willing to take anything you can get often you will end up with nothing or scrapping at the bottom of the barrel. Women can smell confidence and self esteem on you and taking anything that will give you the time or day lacks these things. Why would that girl want to be part of that anything you can get category?

Keeping Standards to Draw in More Abundance and Eliminate Neediness

A large factor that goes into success is determined by the company you keep. If you surround yourself by negative, pessimistic, narcissistic people they will bring you down with them. Even if you believe yourself to be very positive and motivated you will soon be rolling around in the dirt.

Enthusiasm, motivation and drive is contagious and so is apathy. If you have none of the positive qualities I speak of and have no desire for them developing standards will not be needed. If on the other hand you strive for a life of meaning and one worth having then standards is a must. Every person you ALLOW into YOUR life can has the potential to help fulfill that dream or bring it to a halt.

Every woman, no, every person you meet should live up to your standards. If they don’t you need keep looking until you find the right woman and the right set of people to surround yourself with.

Creating and maintaining standards will actually draw more people into your life. If follow through and uphold your standards by saying no to certain people a great deal of your neediness will melt away.

Neediness at the core is being scared of being alone and miserable. Once you burst through this fear by letting go of certain people in your life you will realize that you can say good bye and still survive. You will learn that you can be selective and still be happy.

With a large portion of your neediness out of the way you will become more attractive to other people because nothing is less attractive to women (basically everyone) than neediness. The strength that has replaced the spot where your neediness once existed will draw abundance of people into your life.