A few drinks deep and trying your best to fight off a migraine from the bass of the house music. Everyone is dancing, drinking and enjoying themselves but you stick to the back with your buddies to have another round. A blond enters your view and quickly catches your attention. Her ill fitting top caresses her tight, silky and artificially tanned body. It fits in all the right places and shows off all of the right parts.

She fills you with the excitement that so many women before her have. “What I wouldn’t give to f**k her!” is the only thought that crosses your mind. A thought so profound that you can’t help but to repeat it to your friends. They laugh and join in with their particulars of what they would do to the girl and what they would do to be able have her. Good times. You no longer see her but the contour and specifics of her body are burned into your mind for the rest of the night.

Sound familiar? I bet it does. You think nothing of it but it’s moments like these that cause you to be nervous around beautiful women and kill your chances of ever being able to be with that girl except in your masturbatory fantasies. When women see guys who show these types of behaviors they automatically get label as a wanker.

What is a Wanker?

A wanker is your typical average guy who sprays his shorts over every decent to hot looking girl that walks by. He is not concerned about whether or not this girl is a snob, a bitch, stuck up, controlling, sweet or has an amazing personality. The ONLY thing he cares about is the way she looks. It doesn’t matter if this girl is on the run from the cops for chopping off her husbands pecker and throwing it out a moving car but just as long as she is attractive he’s “happy.”

Why is being a wanker detrimental to your success with women?

A large portion of your nervousness around beautiful women comes from the way that you think and treat these women. Whenever you get over excited about a good looking girl coming in the door you are training yourself to put women on a pedestal.

Every time you see an attractive female and think to yourself “oh God, she’s so hot” you are pushing yourself further and further away being able to actually be with her. This happens for several reasons:

1. Your Self Esteem is Low

She moves and your eyes follow her. Peeking a look at that gorgeous body, while trying your best not to get caught, but she knows you are looking and she knows what you are thinking. In those few brief moments you have already told her that you have a great desire to sleep with her.

You are willing to sleep with a girl without knowing anything about her beside the way she looks. What does that say about you? Or your self esteem? It sends a direct message to the girl that 1) your self esteem is so low that you would sleep with her regardless of whether or not she is the right girl for you and 2) you have no standards when it comes to women.

2. You are Affirming That She is Out of Your League

Most people love the attention they get from their admirers, who look up to them with those loving eyes. Who doesn’t enjoy a good compliment or kindness from a stranger? That type of attention feels good to the ego but kills the attraction every time.

Despite what movies teach you about a love struck romeo who only needs to tell a girl how he feels, showering someone with affection and attention doesn’t equal attraction. Showing her how much you like her doesn’t mean she will get a tingle up her leg.

It’s almost impossible to be attracted to someone who feels BLESSED or would GIVE ANYTHING to JUST BE WITH YOU.

She sees you glaring at her but she knows what lies beneath the surface. She knows that if she was to give you the lightest amount of attention you would almost inevitably think to yourself “how could I get this lucky? Wow, this must be a lucky shirt. I’m never taking this off again!” If you think that being with her would be the equivalent of winning the lottery then she is out of your league.

3. It Automatically Puts You in the Same Category as Every Other Guy

This wouldn’t be such a bad thing if almost every guy out there understood how to create attraction in women. Unfortunately, this is not the case and you emotional response to a beautiful women will lump you into a category with the rest of the unlucky guys.

Every man that has hit on her inappropriately, grabbed her without consent, stared at her chest with no regard or one of the other million different creepy things that men typically do, will be linked to you. Women are very intuitive, even if they can’t articulate it properly at times, and will pick up on your lust for her. She can tell and you will forever be branded into the creepy category. Once you are placed in that spot there is no coming back.

4. You are in a Position of Weakness Instead of Power

You have trained yourself over the years to have the same emotionally strong response to when a beautiful woman walks by. This response is not one of choice but of compulsion. You see her, she’s hot and you want to automatically sleep with her. There is no gap between the stimulus (hot girl) and your response (sexual excitement).

Power comes from the ability to choose. Whether it’s your friends, job, women, what you do with your time, it’s a matter how choice. The less of a choice you have in these things or how you respond to a situation the less power you will possess.

When she walks by, you are not choosing whether you will allow or not to allow yourself to feel attracted to this woman. You are not choosing the type of response to her physical attractiveness, it simply happens all on it’s own.

Stop Being Nervous Around Women and Move into a Place of Power

Having this type of sexual and emotional reaction to aesthetically appealing women is a force of habit just like any other. It has taken years upon years to train yourself to think and behave this way but it’s very possible to turn it all around. It will take time but the payoff is worth the wait.

Here are simply things you can start doing now to stop this automatic process:

1. Stop Talking to Your buddies about Hot Girls

There is a slight sense of camaraderie that goes along with making jokes and talking about how gorgeous some women are. It brings you together through a common interest. It helps you to make friends but at the end of the day having choice with women is far more valuable then a few jokes.

Whenever you do this you are reinforcing a negative behavior with something positive. Your negative behavior is getting over excited about some girl you saw and reinforcing it with a positive socially accepting response from your friends. It’s the high you get from a fix when you know you shouldn’t doing it in the first place.

Completely stop talking to your friends about these women. No more “dude, did you see that girl?” or “OMG, she is frickin hot. I would love to (fill in the blank) her.” Your mind might continue with these thoughts but they still don’t need to go anywhere but your mind.

2. Understand that beauty is NOT a BIG DEAL

So often in our culture do we praise and worship beautiful people. You see it in ads, magazines, billboards. Women and men are held in high regard for something they didn’t earn. Good looks is something that is given naturally with a few tweaks along the way. They didn’t work for it and earn it through sweat and persistence. No, it’s something that they were born with.

Whenever your mind starts up with it’s thoughts about how amazing that girl looked, remind yourself that looks are not that big of a deal. The men who are most successful with women don’t really care too much what she looks like. The girl has to be good looking for them to be biologically turned on but they don’t make a big fuss over how the girl looks. They appreciate a good looking woman but it doesn’t make their day or they don’t sport wood over it-”she’s cute” in a nonchalant tone.

If you are still having a tough time understanding that looks aren’t that big of a deal you need to spend more time with beautiful women. People who live in small towns get very excited about hot women because so few are around but if you lived in California or New York good looking women are a dime a dozen.

Go out to a club with intention of getting rid of your wanker response. Go in and take a look around at all the beautiful women and tell yourself “it’s not that big of a deal.”

3. Stop Watching Porn

Well, at least for now. When you get off to images or videos of beautiful women you are creating wonderful fantasies about these women. You are instilling the belief that YOU CAN’T GET THESE WOMEN. The only time you are able to have these women in through your mind, computer screen and a cheap bottle of hand lotion.

You might not think of much of your “happy” time but you mind thinks a lot of it. It reinforces the belief that You are NOT GOOD ENOUGH to be able to attract beautiful women.

Most masturbating isn’t an act of self exploration done in an attempt to further your sexuality but more in a hurried act of nervousness with one hand on your piece and one eye on the door. You are nervous about getting caught and this uneasiness gets associated with beautiful women. Your mind generalizes things and it will take the nervousness you felt to one beautiful porn star you got off to and link it to all beautiful women.

When the “I’m not good enough” feelings get accompanied by your nervousness from your porn habits you end up with very bad social interactions. A good bit of your confidence in talking with women comes from having positive experiences. If your nervous the first time talking to women from your shades down lotion out activities the interaction will leave you with a negative impression of talking to women. If you continue to watch porn and still try to talk to women your nervousness around approaching them will only get worse.

Throw out your Jergens and close your account with your choice porn site-it’s for the best. If you can’t seem to find something to fill the time left by your porn habits read this article:

http://innergamereframe.com/is-porn-good-for-you/

4. Develop Standards When it Comes to Women

Earlier in this article I mentioned coming from a place of power instead of weakness and standards is the best way to do this. Standards allow you to override that gut level reaction to the sexual Goddess. You still feel it but asking yourself “is she the type of girl I want?” will allow that response to be greatly reduced.

Normally, men question their own value and wonder if they are good enough for the girl. This leads to all sorts of approval seeking which can kill the attraction and make you very nervous. Instead of underestimating your own value, ask yourself if she is good enough for you? Does she meet your standards?

When you ask yourself if this girl is good enough for you it changes the whole dynamic. The anxiety is minimized and often times becomes none existent. You are also placed in a position of choice instead of merely reacting to what is happening to you.

Get into a habit of having standards for every attractive woman you see. When you see her, automatically ask yourself “is she a nice person? Does she look like a giver or a taker? Will she be right for me?” Even if you never speak to these women still ask yourself these questions.

You can even take is a step further by qualifying everyone that you talk to. Not in an arrogant “I’m better than everyone” type of way but in a “will this person be good for me? Will they hurt me or help me?”

Most men fear developing standards because they are in such desperation for to take anything they can get. The irony is that if you are willing to take anything you can get often you will end up with nothing or scrapping at the bottom of the barrel. Women can smell confidence and self esteem on you and taking anything that will give you the time or day lacks these things. Why would that girl want to be part of that “anything you can get” category?

Keeping Standards to Draw in More Abundance and Eliminate Neediness

A large factor that goes into success is determined by the company you keep. If you surround yourself by negative, pessimistic, narcissistic people they will bring you down with them. Even if you believe yourself to be very positive and motivated you will soon be rolling around in the dirt.

Enthusiasm, motivation and drive is contagious and so is apathy. If you have none of the positive qualities I speak of and have no desire for them developing standards will not be needed. If on the other hand you strive for a life of meaning and one worth having then standards is a must. Every person you ALLOW into YOUR life can has the potential to help fulfill that dream or bring it to a halt.

Every woman, no, every person you meet should live up to your standards. If they don’t you need keep looking until you find the right woman and the right set of people to surround yourself with.

Creating and maintaining standards will actually draw more people into your life. If follow through and uphold your standards by saying “no” to certain people a great deal of your neediness will melt away.

Neediness at the core is being scared of being alone and miserable. Once you burst through this fear by letting go of certain people in your life you will realize that you can say good bye and still survive. You will learn that you can be selective and still be happy.

With a large portion of your neediness out of the way you will become more attractive to other people because nothing is less attractive to women (basically everyone) than neediness. The strength that has replaced the spot where your neediness once existed will draw abundance of people into your life.

Today’s man doesn’t have a lot going on for him. He doesn’t have a mission, hobby or passion for life. He works a job that he wishes he could quit. He goes out and gets drunk with his buddies wishing he had better friends. He feels stuck in his position in life wanting, waiting, wishing for something better to come along.

Out of no where comes a beautiful woman who wants to spend time with him. He is thrown off guard by this pleasant surprise, so much so that he completely forgets about everything else. Most of the time when a guy starts dating a new woman she becomes HIS WORLD.

Soon after meeting her he begins to lose any sense of self he once had and puts her first above all else. Everything he had done before he met her has been put on the back burner for his new flame.

He ditches his friends at the drop of a hat to spend some time with this girl who he has only known for a short time. He takes off of work to go to the beach with her even though he can’t afford it.

Little does he know that this type of behavior is exactly what will drive her away. He is thinking everything is ok while she is looking for the fastest exit out of there.

NEVER MAKE ANY WOMAN THE NUMBER ONE PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE. Putting your girlfriend or date into the number one spot will kill the attraction quicker than anything else. For many reasons:

1. She knows that your self esteem is not high enough

When you put a woman in the number one spot you are basically saying her happiness and well being is more important than your own. You might think it is romantic or cute to put her needs above your own but it isn’t.

It sends a direct message to the woman that your self esteem isn’t high enough to take care of number one: yourself. Low self esteem men rarely get the girl. Even if they do, they unable to keep her around.

2. Fear of losing the girl

“If I don’t do what she says or put her first she might leave me”- If you do end up putting a woman first and she does leave you should consider yourself lucky.

When women are put in the number one spot everything goes to absolute hell where cheating, lying, manipulation and NAGGING become the day to day routine. The small attraction that was once there is completely gone.

At that point you will be better off if she decides to call it quits. I have seen and heard some absolute horror stories when the woman decides to stay in it for whatever reason after the attraction level has hit zero.

3. It’s Dishonest

Humans are basically selfish creatures, we look out for our own survival and do things for us. When you put other’s needs above your own you are lying to them about your own desires.

For example, your date or girlfriend says “hey lets go get hot dogs” and you hate hot dogs but you go along with it because you don’t want to upset her. You are being dishonest and lying to her about what you truly want.

People rarely do things for others without attachments. Most of the time they do for others because they want something from them, be it attention, love, friendship or sex. They believe that they are being “nice” but their niceness comes with a price and almost always has an agenda.

Being selfish and putting your needs first is simply being honest and honesty is something people can trust. Trust builds attraction on dates or in a relationship.

4. Not knowing any better

Society, parents and religion have all shoved the romantic notion of sacrificing everything for a woman to prove to her your love down your throat . This fairy tale story ONLY works in the movies, never in real life. In real life, as MANY of you can attest to, it kills the attraction.

Majority of people get their dating/relationship model from their parents. Unfortunately most of your parents relationships aren’t healthy and lack attraction.

Mommy orders daddy around while daddy spends his nights fantasying about a life that doesn’t resemble his. He imagines how it would feel to be in a LOVE filled relationship where the ATTRACTION is still going without all the arguing and mothering.

Most men figure that this is the way a relationship should be. They have no idea about the possibility of having long lasting attraction based interactions with women-they simple don’t know any better.

5. It’s downright needy

Nothing reeks of neediness more than dropping everything in your life to be with a woman. Men do this because they are trying to fill a whole inside of themselves. They feel they lack in someway and need a woman, a car or money to finally feel good about themselves.

When you lose your identity in a relationship you are making the woman the center of your world. This puts an extreme amount of unnecessary pressure on her.

When you put her above all else it makes the woman feel like she is obligated to be with you forever. She feels like she owes you the same commitment that you have made to her.

If the relationship takes on a ‘together forever’ it will start to freak the girl out. She will start to act a little strange but it reality she is planning her exit strategy. Don’t be surprised if she sits you down and says “we need to talk.”

I suggest that you do two things if you are or have in the past put women first above ALL else:

1. Become Selfish

I don’t mean be selfish and eat all the chips in the bag but more putting your desires and priorities first.

2. Get your priorities in line

“The most important person in my relationships is ME”

That should be the frame to keep in mind whether it’s a first date or it’s your two year anniversary. ALWAYS put yourself above ALL else because at the end of the day when you close your eyes and go to sleep there is you and you alone. You may have been with this girl for ten years but you have been with yourself for a lifetime.

Become selfish. Become honest and do things for yourself. Make yourself the most important person in your life.

Touch her because YOU want to. Kiss her because you want to. Go out to a bar because you want to. Don’t go out to a bar because you don’t to-whatever it doesn’t matter as long as you are doing things on your own terms.

*note: it doesn’t mean that you don’t ever do anything for her, it simply means that you do things because you want to. Example: you give her a gift or a back rub because you want to enjoy the pleasure she gets from receiving a back rub or a gift. Don’t do it because you want to get her to stay with you or like you.

Get your priorities in line

1. Your health- without your health you can’t have a relationship in the first place. Don’t sleep with a woman if you are tired because you would be putting her needs above your own. She might enjoy the sex but the attraction and respect she has for you will go down every time you do it.
2. Your integrity- Never sell out your honesty or core values for a woman. Even if she doesn’t like that you stuck to your guns she will respect you for it and the attraction will grow.

3. Your mission- “Never break your mission for a woman. She needs to know that your mission is greater than her or your relationship” An example of this: Just as I’m typing this my girlfriend called to talk to me. I told her I was writing and to call later on because I was on my mission.

For more information on being on your mission check out How to Find and Live Your Mission:

http://innergamereframe.com/how-to-find-and-live-your-mission/

4. Your relationships with women, family and friends

She may say that she doesn’t like that you are selfish and put yourself first but the truth is she will LOVE it. She will love it because she has finally found a man who isn’t weak or needy, doesn’t put her first and has a strong sense of self and purpose in life

]]> http://innergamereframe.com/putting-her-in-the-number-one-spot-biggest-datingrelationship-mistakes-part-five/feed/ 6 http://innergamereframe.com/not-leading-biggest-datingrelationship-mistakes-part-four/ http://innergamereframe.com/not-leading-biggest-datingrelationship-mistakes-part-four/#comments Sat, 06 Dec 2008 19:59:20 +0000 Alex Strandberg http://innergamereframe.com/?p=345

Women are attracted to MEN, not little girls posing as men. They want men who are leaders, not boys that look to others to take control of the steering wheel for them. They want a man to be the driver so they can sit back and relax in the passenger seat while they go on an adventure.

Women don’t have respect for today’s men but how can they. Today’s men have been emasculated and controlled into having no spine. Today’s man is more akin to a robot that has been programed to wait for orders from it’s user. Because of this most men simply don’t know how to turn women on.

Being the leader is one department that most men lack in and it kills the attraction in the relationships and dating each time. There are several reasons why guy’s don’t lead:

1. They get so excited in a new relationship/new date that they forget to lead

It is very easy to get caught up in the emotions of a new relationship and completely forget what needs to be taken care of: leading her.

The girl is so used to being the one to make the decisions and call the shots that it has become second nature to her. She leads without thinking.

Typically the girl suggests something and you are so excited, happy or whatever that you just agree to it without thinking before acting. Before you know it you are off doing whatever she wants to do, even if you didn’t actually want to.

Two or three weeks pass and the high of being in a new relationship or dating begins to subside and she is now the one who is in control. This dynamic is established because you didn’t do what needed to be done and now it’s much tougher to reverse the roles.

After the high attraction, freshness and excitement of the beginning stages of a relationship begins to fade it will become apparent that she is the one calling the shots.

When this moment occurs the attraction she felt will begin to go down a sliding slop until it hits the bottom. The fun, exciting, loving, caring girl you knew when you first met will change into a bossy, controlling, nagging chore of a woman .

Solution: It is more than ok for a women to make a suggestion as to what you can do but you need to be the one making the final decision. To calmly make a decision instead of just reacting to her request I suggest you get into the habit of taking a deep breath and pausing before deciding what to do.

2. Fear of losing the girl if you take the lead

For most guys, they are shocked when a girl finds them attractive and is actually willing to spend time with them. They aren’t used to beautiful women being into them so they develop a huge fear of losing the woman. It’s similar to a homeless person finally getting fed and being paranoid of people trying to take his food.

They want to do everything “right” in order to not screw this up and go back to being lonely again. Ironically, them trying to do things “right” will cause the women to lose ALL attraction for them.

3. Not knowing how to lead

In the past there used to be training on how to lead and become a man. There was a right of passage that turns boys into men.

These things haven’t been around for generations so it’s unlikely that your father ever learned how to lead and become a man. In as much, he never taught you how to lead either.

How to Lead

THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN EVER LEAD IS YOURSELF. This is very key to keep in mind when you developing the masculine leadership side of yourself.

When you try to get others to follow, you are basically asking them if it’s ok with them if you took control of the situation. You are essentially looking to them to let you lead.

When this happens THEY are the ones who are in the lead because at any time they can stop letting you lead and do their own thing.

A TRUE LEADER leads without needing any follows. He doesn’t mind if people go in the direction that HE CHOOSES but he DOESN’T NEED them to because he would do it anyways.

He knows what he wants in life and doesn’t care if people want to go down that direction. He doesn’t manipulate or control them into going where he wants to go, he simply goes WITHOUT PERMISSION from others.

A true leader goes without the approval of the pack. It takes courage and strength to push beyond group mentality because as humans we fear losing approval of others (it’s hardwired into us). Ironically, this type of leading will get people to follow you the most.

In order to properly lead you MUST first KNOW where you want to go in life. You must know what it is you want to accomplish. Without that knowledge it is doubtful you will ever get anywhere-you will end up wondering the sea without a port for an eternity.

Here is an exercise to develop leadership:

Next time you are in a group of people or with a friend and you want to cross the street or go into a store, DONT say anything and just do it. Don’t look back to see if they follow you, just keep walking.
If they don’t follow you become comfortable with the uneasiness that comes when you stray from the group.

Take this exercise and do it ALL of the time. When you are at a club and you want to dance, just go dance without asking anyone else or checking to see what everyone else is doing.

Apply the reverse as well. If a girl or your friends want you to go dancing with them but you don’t really want to, DON’T.

Leading Date/Relationship exercise

Tell your girlfriend or your date to close her eye’s and hold your hand. Tell her that you will be leading her and that she needs to trust you. Then walk her around for a little while with her eyes closed. Just make sure she doesn’t trip on anything.

This will put you in the leadership role and her in the follower role. As well, it will build mass amounts of trust and attraction between the both of you.

First step is to know what you want and where to go. The second step is actually going in the direction you want regardless of what others think and what other people are doing.

For more on developing an idea of where you want to go in life, I suggest you check out my article: How to Find and Live Your Mission

http://innergamereframe.com/how-to-find-and-live-your-mission/

Subscribe to IGR newsletter on the right and learn how to get relationship and dating mastery in your inbox.

I know what you are thinking, you aren’t her father so why do you need rules and boundaries? No you won’t be playing the role of daddy but you can go ahead and give her a nice spank on the ass anyways.

“People treat you the way you train them to”

Ever have a friend that was too nice and as a result people walked all over them? Think about how those same people treated you. Unless you are the nice guy who is a human doormat, they treated you much differently because you have self respect and a back bone.

Why did they treat him with such disrespect and not you?

Even though the people were the same, they treated you is different because you trained them to treat you that way.

Creating rules in which to adhere by is all about self respect and love. You tell them what is and what is not acceptable when they interact with you, not only for women but for everyone.

With women it WILL create a lot of attraction. Without rules the attraction will be KILLED and she will make your life a living hell.

Some might do it for the former reason but it’s not wise to use it as an attraction technique because it won’t be congruent. You will be putting on a fake mask of masculinity and you will be quickly exposed.

You should set rules and boundaries to make your life peaceful. It should be for your own self respect and sanity, NOT just to get her panties wet.

I am a really simple person with simple needs. I desire for my life to be as peaceful and calm as it can be. Right now my life is pretty peaceful and setting rules for how people should treat me has made this possible.

I have heard some horror stories from guys that let women do whatever they want and never tell her what is and is not acceptable.

To effectively have rules and boundaries you must NOT fear losing that person. When you fear losing someone you will only go so far to keep your boundaries before caving and giving in.

If you cave and allow unwanted behavior to happen the woman will lose respect for you. She will understand on a deep level that you fear losing her more than you value respecting yourself.

When that moment happens your relationship is on a downward spiral and will end soon enough. She understands on a deep level that she can do WHATEVER she wants and get away with it.

Get over your fear of losing anyone. When you transition from being a doormat to someone with a pair you WILL lose people in your life.

They will tell you that you have changed or are weird but its all bullshit. They are just upset at their inability to control their little whipping boy.

“but isn’t that manipulative and controlling?”

Setting rules and boundaries is simply being HONEST. When she decides to flirt with your best friend, on the inside you HATE it but you don’t do anything about it. Why? Because you don’t want to lose her.

You are selling out your integrity and honesty in order to keep someone around. You are lying about your real desire for her to not flirt with your best friend to get what you want- that’s true manipulation.

Why should I set rules and boundaries?

“Whenever we give our power away to others and take crap from them, it closes our hearts and causes us to pull back. It’s painful to be open with someone and have them take advantage of us or treat us not so nicely.”

When you don’t own your strength by setting rules your heart closes, making it harder to forgive and love people. Whenever a person disrespects you or gets away with a little too much and you do nothing about it your self esteem WILL DROP.

You put up with the crap because you don’t love yourself enough to not let people treat you that way.

After a while it becomes a catch 22 situation. You need high self esteem in order to have the energy to set and “enforce” those rules but your self esteem drops every time that you don’t.

Eventually you just don’t have the energy to do anything about it. You want to make changes but you just don’t have it in you to do so.

Trust will be lost in the process of not setting and enforcing your personal boundaries. Trust in others and trust in yourself will start to disappear.

If you can’t trust yourself enough to have a back bone with others you will keep people at a distance. You will become extremely paranoid about being taken advantaged of.

The whole point of a relationship is to be open and close with someone, to grow and trust each other and to love one another.

None of this can be done if you don’t trust yourself enough to know that you wont let anyone mess with your heart.

She wont be able to trust you because how can anyone trust someone who is weak and never stands up for themselves?

People ONLY respect those that respect themselves.

Without the trust that comes by having self respect she will have no choice but to keep her distance. She can’t open up to someone who isn’t be strong enough to protect her when she is vulnerable after opening up.

“Nice Guys”

“Nice” people are some of the angriest people you will ever meet but their anger is mostly internal. They constantly beat themselves up and have tons of resentment towards others that is rarely seen because of how “nice” they are.

The truth is they aren’t really angry with other people, they are angry with themselves for not developing a spine and putting up with too much crap. They let people walk all over them and ask for more because they don’t want anyone of to disapprove of them.

That fear of disapproval and fear of losing others is so strong that you would be amazed at the amount of disrespect they allow.

By not having and “enforcing” your own personal rules you will end up with “friends” or women who will make your life miserable.

Without rules, women will use your dignity as a dishrag to mop up any remaining shred of masculinity out of the sink.

Transitioning From Doormat to a Person of Strength

Start small and take it slowly. If you are dating someone DON’T go gung ho and blast her with 50 million rules and expert her to follow all of them at once.

Going too fast too soon might freak her out. Slowly integrate them into your relationship.

If you are just starting out in your relationship get the rules down as soon as possible. It’s far better to start a relationship off right than to try repair the damage.

Write out a list of things that you will and will not tolerate from other people. Here are a few of my own:

-Only energy allowed in my relationships is love
-Treat me respect and I will do the same to you
-Be nice or be gone.
-If you cant talk to me in a calm, relaxed manor then you must calm down before we talk
-Honesty, integrity and compassion aren’t optional

The first time you let someone know that they over stepped your boundaries you WILL be nervous and scared. Don’t expect yourself to be zen like when you are standing up for yourself for the first time.

Over time and with much practice standing up for yourself will become as easy as asking someone for the time.

*Make sure to hit the stumbleupon button-there are many people who need to know this information.*

Let me know about your experiences with keeping your boundaries and your self respect. See you in the comments

As I mentioned earlier in Part one of Biggest Dating/ Relationship Mistakes, the first week or two will be amazing and the girl will seem almost perfect but this is before her pain body comes out to play.

People are very good at hiding their imperfections and faults that would make you second guess your choice to be with that person. No matter how good of an actress or how well hidden her dark secrets are, the undesirable and deal breaking behaviors will rise to the surface.

When the pain body does come out you may find yourself in a situation where you think it might be time to move on. VERY OFTEN, men make the mistake of not moving on for several reasons:

1. They still hold onto the “perfect girl” image.

It is very painful and frustrating to the ego to find out that the person you are with is not as good as you once thought. From this, the mind will make rationalizations for her unwanted behavior because it can’t or won’t face the possibility that she might not be right for you.

2. The fear of becoming lonely and single again is too much to bear

This is a neediness issue. You need someone to make you feel happy or fill that gap inside of yourself. At the core of this is a fear of dying alone and being miserable.

The irony is that if you can’t be happy alone you won’t be happy with someone else.

3. You have already invested so much time in her that you feel like you don’t have the energy to do it again with a new girl

You feel as though you have wasted all those hours teaching her what you know only to end up with nothing in the end.

Time is never wasted on an incompatible partner because you learn and grow from this experience. Every “bad” relationship will get you one step closer to one that works.

4. Trying to save her

This is a big issue for men, especially the “nice” ones. Knowledge by reading this site will help you with your relationship but YOU CAN’T HELP SOMEONE THAT DOESN’T WANT HELP.

It’s a sad fact but many people are comfortable with their pain and miserable lives. They don’t want help from you. Your help will actually make the relationship worse off than it already is.

Men often go into sympathy with women who have issues. They want be superman and rescue their Louis Lane from the perils of pain.

My take on helping others is this: I will help anyone that truly wants to change. I don’t care how deep or difficult their issues are as long as they try.

I am not a martyr trying to save the world. I won’t help anyone who doesn’t want to try to change themselves.

Trying to save someone who isn’t willing to help themselves is like trying to move a pen with your mind. Hours, days and months of frustration with the pen not moving one inch.

All of your efforts will go to waste and leave two people worse off than they were when they first met.

5. Avoid getting down on themselves for picking the wrong girl

6. Trying to make up for past mistakes

Guilt and shame get associated with painful mistakes. It’s a human tendency to “punish” ourselves in an attempt to not make the same mistakes twice.

When a similar opportunity arises we often try to make up for our past. We believe by doing the “right” thing this time around we will somehow be able to let go of some of this guilt and shame from our mistakes.

This is done often through new relationships that aren’t healthy. We try to prove that we can do and are a lot wiser.

The irony is that they are making the same mistake by holding onto the wrong girl.

6. Not wanting to hurt the woman’s feelings

Face it, break ups hurt but dragging a bad relationship out will hurt much worse.

Bad relationships come down to incompatibility between two people. Its best for both people involved to not try and force a relationship that clearly doesn’t work and allow themselves the freedom to search for one that does.

“I’m not for everyone” and wouldn’t want to waste someone else’s time on a fruitless excursion.

What most men don’t realize is that facing the possibility that they are holding onto to the wrong girl and being honest with themselves is far greater than being in an unhealthy relationship.

It is quite time consuming and painful to try and float a sinking ship that will inevitably hit the bottom of the ocean.

The path to relationship mastery will be met with many mistakes. It took Edison 10,000 tries before he figured out the correct way to make a light bulb. When asked about it, he said “I learned 9,999 ways NOT to make a light bulb.”

Holding onto a girl that isn’t right for you is like holding onto one of the mistakes on your road to learning relationship mastery. Mistakes happen and the perfect girl for you will come when you least expect it but she won’t be able to come into your life if you are busy wasting time stuck in a bad relationship.

Show some love in the comments. Feedback and Discussion are HIGHLY encouraged; it’s what makes this blog alive!

Check back for Biggest Relationship Mistakes Part Three

*EDIT* There is a very nice conversation going on in the comments that is worth checking out.