Listening to the mind can be very detrimental to your confidence. Learning to escape the mind and re-connecting with your soul can help you develop real confidence that can not be shaken or broken for anything.

The greatest tool that you have at your disposal for cutting through the fog that the mind creates is meditation. Meditation allows you to enter into the calm, peaceful and non thinking state that alcohol creates without consuming a single drop.

Real Benefits of Meditation

I know the image that comes to mind when you think of someone who meditates; some hippie dressed in weird clothing that sounds like a stoner and comes off as an arrogant prick. You don’t need to shave your head and wear a dress like a Buddhist to enjoy the many benefits that come from meditation:

1. Calmer emotions-we tend to make small situations into bigger ones when we are stressed out. Deep breathing allows your nervous system to slow down and greatly reduce the stress in your life.

2. Escape your mind and the insecurities and self conscious feelings that come from it

3. Allows you to stay calm and peaceful during stressful situations. Most men would get stressed out if a girl rejected them badly in front of a large group of people. They would get upset and feel like a loser, but a guy that meditates would smile and go about his business as if nothing happened.

One of the greatest benefits you will receive from meditation is the ability to let things go. When most people are in a position to lose something or someone their initial response is fear. Fear becomes worry that causes them to dig their claws in and hold on as tight as possible. Tightening your grip when things begin to slip away is neediness, the opposite of confidence.

Neediness is one of the biggest turn offs for women. Becoming needy and trying to keep what’s leaving you is ironic, in that it will cause you to lose what you desire even faster. With meditation the ability to let go of women or the possibility of women becomes a whole hell of a lot easier.

Meditation doesn’t end after thirty minutes of listening to a meditation cd alone in your room. You need to be able to meditate no matter what you are doing. At first it will be difficult to maintain the same level of peace you got while meditating alone but it will become easier over time. Breathe deeply while talking to friends. Relax and breathe deeply while you are waiting in the grocery line. Take it to the point where you can meditate in every action that you do.

Basic Meditation Exercise

Sit down in a chair with your back straight. Take a minute to let go of the events of the day. Relax your entire body and take a deep breath through your nose and into your stomach. Hold for five seconds. Let go of the breath through your nose while letting the air out of your stomach. Do this a couple of times.

Next breathe into your solar plexus, the area above your belly button but below your chest. Breathe in through your nose and hold it for five seconds. Breathe out of your nose, then repeat.

Next breathe into your chest through your nose. Hold for five seconds before letting the air out. Repeat for several times before putting it all together.

Now breathe in through your stomach, the solar plexus and finally your chest. Hold for five seconds. Then release it in order from your chest, solar plexus and finally your stomach. Repeat over and over again.

It can be difficult at first to attain a deep peaceful state but there is something you can do to cheat. Below is a link for a meditation program that I personally use that has greatly helped with not only women but with other areas of my life. You can check it out by clicking on their advertisement on the right of this website.

Fear

Fear is a mental construct but I put it under the soul section for a reason. When your world is consumed by fear you will feel as if your soul, essence or self is slipping away. You know who you are but who you are seems so distant from where you are. Fear is a cage that prevents you from being confident and living the life you want.

There are millions of books, audio cds, programs to help you cope with fear but they are all out for your wallet. You can try to hypnotize yourself to eliminate your fear but it won’t work. You could look in the mirror repeating affirmations over and over that your fear is gone but it won’t make any difference because THE ONLY WAY AROUND A FEAR IS THROUGH IT.

You are scared to approach that girl or to ask her for her number but the only way to get over it is to push through your fear. Tired of your girlfriend nagging you to death but too scared to say anything for fear of losing her? The only solution is to get courage to see through your fears and stand up for yourself.

Everything I talked about so far is important to building confidence but none more than overcoming your fears. You can eat right, workout, not berate yourself but none of that will matter if you are filled with fear. All of those things will be mealiness without doing this one thing.

I highly recomend picking up the book Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers

At first you will feel a lot of pressure and fear at the thought of conquering that which scares you. It might become too overwhelming and cause you to try and cop out of what you know needs to be done. You may even attempt to rationalize your fears, “oh, it’s not that bad. I don’t need to do that.”

If you buy into the excuse that you don’t need to overcome your fears that badly it’s more than ok. When you can’t seem to get yourself to do something it’s best to just let it go. In time your frustration with the limitation that fear puts on your life will start to build up and hit a boiling point. When that happens you won’t buy into your excuses and you will be highly motivated to do something about your life.

To help speed up the process of hitting that boiling point there is a simple exercise you can do: Imagine all the times that you let fear prevent you from doing something you wanted to do. Put each instance where you felt you let yourself down by choosing to be scared and play them back to back in your mind like a movie. Put the movie you made on repeat for a week straight until you get fed up with letting fear drive your life.

Every time that you overcome a fear you gain a certain level of confidence. After your heart rate calms down you will feel a little bit more free, a little bit more confident. Push through enough fears and your level of confidence will be beyond anything you could imagine.

The key to getting through a fear is to not hesitate. The more time spent waiting gives you a bigger opportunity to not do it. Every second that passes by the more anxiety you will feel. Your mind will start in with it’s annoying ‘what if?’ questions. “What if she rejects me? What if I make a fool of myself? What if…” Wait long enough and your anxiety will take over and cause you to shut down and lose out on yet another opportunity.

It’s important to not try and look cool while pushing through your fears. If the desire to not embarrass yourself is too strong you will end up not doing anything at all. Accept that you will not be perfect pushing through your fears. Come to terms with the fact that you will make a fool of yourself for a while.

How to Overcome Your Fears

The first step is always the hardest, being honest about what you are scared of. In this great society of ours we have been taught to hide our fears and act as if they don’t exist. You can try your best to run from what makes your heart race, palms sweat and gives you a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach but all your effort is done in vain.

Take some time and think about your fears, insecurities and doubts and write them down. Don’t judge yourself for having this fear or start to compare yourself to other people who DON’T have this type of fear. It’s not important what you have, what’s important is what you are going to do about it.

Prescribing the Symptom

The next step is to actually…*gulp* face your fears, insecurities and doubts.. If you are scared to approach women who are complete strangers then your plan will be to approach random women. For the most part what to do about your fears should be quite simple but some are more complex.

Prescribing the symptom is taking what you fear or worry about and doing it. I had a student who had a deep seeded fear of blushing around other people. This was a problem because he would get nervous around women and start to get red in the face. He would freak out about blushing and as a result blush even more.

It was a real problem that he couldn’t seem to get over. I told him to prescribe the symptom by consciously trying to make himself blush. It’s a little difficult thing to do on command so I instructed him to go out and buy women’s blush. “Really cake on the blush so there is no doubt in anyone’s mind that you are wearing makeup or blushing.”

At first he was hesitant but I assured him that this will help him get over his issues. He was very scared the first couple of times going out with women’s makeup but he eventually got over it. It got to the point where he would go out and forget that his face was red from the blush. He became comfortable with an awkward situation that helped him get over his issues with blushing and become more confident.

Another student felt uncomfortable buying condoms. He felt as if everyone was watching and judging him for it. I told him to go to the store and buy a big box of condoms and nothing else. Typically people would try to hide their condoms but he wasn’t going to do that. He was going to hold them up high around his chest so everyone knew what he was buying and what he was going to do with them.

Whatever you are insecure or fearful about devise a plan to get over your issues. If worry too much that people are judging you for the way you dress then go out in a hot pink belly shirt. If you are scared about saying the wrong things in conversations with people start to say inappropriate jokes or anything that will create enormous awkward silence. You get the idea.

Becoming confident is like anything else in life, it starts with a choice. You have two choices: make excuses and stay the way you are or choose to take control of your life. There is no halfway when it comes to making a choice like this. You are either in it fully or you aren’t.

If you need convincing that learning to become confident is the right choice take a look at those who took the other route. Notice their unhappiness, bitterness and frustration and ask yourself “is that what I really want?”

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You will hear me say this over and over but it’s worth repeating, YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS. Identifying with your mind and listening to your thoughts will cause a large amount of anxiety, depression and an overall lack of confidence.

Most people believe that they are their thoughts but this is far from the truth. Spend an hour, day, even a week just observing your thoughts. After a week you will notice two things:

1. The mind is mostly fear based and thus not very useful
2. The voice continues without your conscious effort-it runs on it’s own.

When you actually listen to your thoughts and identify with them many neurotic and unhealthy beliefs will start to form. Your mind tells you that you have been wronged by someone and anger ensues. Your thoughts wish harm upon that person and now you feel guilty for thinking that.

Guilt, anger, shame, doubt and INSECURITY are all products of the mind and prevent you from being more confident. How many times have you been around women only to have your mind blow it for you? I’m guessing plenty because it has happened to me more times than I care to remember.

If your interaction is going well with women then your mind will get overly paranoid about screwing it up. “You’re doing good, now don’t mess this up. Oh God, she didn’t laugh at my joke now she’s no longer attracted to me, Damn it.” Or if the interaction isn’t going well you will have the same type of thoughts. No matter what you do you just can’t win when you listen to your mind.

For the most part emotions stem from your mind, how it reacts and it’s beliefs. How calm or how nervous you are at any given time depends on how much you listen to the thoughts your mind produces. The more you listen to your mind the more nervous you will become because your mind is extremely negative and overly paranoid. If you learn to get out of your mind your emotions will become a gentle pool instead of a typhoon crashing down on a small village.

People love to drink because it allows them to escape and enter a state of non thinking. In this state their minds are no longer producing fears that cause them to ruin most of their interactions with women. With their mind on the sidelines people are no longer inhibited and can do what they truly want to do.

Learning to enter a state of non thinking while being sober is the best gift that you can give to yourself. More on how to escape your insecure thoughts and develop more confidence will e explained in part three of this series on How to Be More Confident.

In addition that article I recommend picking up Eckhart Tolle’s book ‘The Power of Now.’ This book has been a great help to my success with women. It has been at the core of my own personal self development.

Echkart Tolle: The Power of Now

The biggest obstacle to confidence that the mind creates is self loathing. While it’s important to ignore that little voice that causes so much damage you need to also be consciously creating good beliefs about yourself.

I don’t suggest creating outrageous beliefs that are not even close to being based on reality. An example of this is the affirmation “All women want me and are attracted to me”-that will never be true no matter how hard you try.

Good Beliefs to Instill

The problem with affirmations is that the mind will constantly try and convince you of the opposite. You will say something positive and the mind will argue the negative. Try your hardest but the mind will not relent on it’s position:

Me: “I’m awesome”
Mind: “No you’re not”
Me: “Women love me”
Mind: “Really? You’re wrong about that buddy, women hate you. What about that girl last week who looked at you in disgust when you asked her how she was doing? Forgot about that didn’t you, loser”

Trying to convince yourself of affirmations that aren’t based on reality can be very time consuming and ultimately futile. A better approach to gaining confidence through developing beliefs is to go with affirmations that are based in truth. Here are two affirmations that are based in truth and will get you very far:

“I am enough”

“I love and accept myself the way I am”

I am enough means that you are complete just the way you are. Women, money, fame won’t make you feel more complete and content because you possess those things already inside of yourself. You can lose everything, family, friends, jobs and you will still survive because you are enough already.

“I am enough” is the opposite of neediness. You won’t need anything else because you are enough and complete already-everything else is just an added bonus. Whenever you are needy you are losing sight of the fact that you are enough.

You were born feeling like you were enough but have learned how to be insecure, self conscious and feeling like you aren’t enough over time. Take any baby or toddler and you will see how well they hold the affirmation “I am enough.” They don’t try and get people to like them. They don’t try to be accepted by others because they accept themselves the way they are. They are only concerned with getting their diapers changed and finding a breast to suck on.

Start to pay attention to the times that you are insecure, needy and self conscious. Whenever those moments occur take a deep breath and repeat the affirmation “I am enough” over and over. Notice how those feelings subside if not disappear altogether.

“I love and accept myself the way I am” means to accept yourself, warts and all. In order to accept yourself the way you are you must first be honest. If you refuse to acknowledge the darker and not so nice parts of yourself then you will never learn to love yourself unconditionally.

In order to learn how to love yourself check out my post on the subject here: How to Love Yourself

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The lights are dimmed, shades are down and your favorite scented candles are burning. The mood is just right to say hello to your monster but is masturbating to porn a good thing or not? To answer that question, yes and no. There is no such thing as good or bad but only consequences of your actions. Every consequence is either desirable or undesirable.

Whether the consequences of masturbating are desirable or not depends greatly on your perspective and who you are. It’s not the action in itself that makes something bad but the person who is doing it.

If the action (masturbating) in and of itself was inherently negative or positive everyone would have the same response to it. If getting off to porn was bad for you then EVERYONE would experience negative consequences when they did it but we know that is not always the case. Some have good consequences while others have horrible negative consequences.

Most people enjoy labeling something as “bad” without ever thinking that they may play a role in their negative experience. Even worse is that they like to tell others that it’s a “bad” idea-”oh no, you shouldn’t do that!”

Negative Consequences of Watching Porn

The first negative consequence of watching porn can be a very detrimental one: pre-mature ejaculation. Nothing is worse than waiting so long to have sex and when you finally get an opportunity to get laid it’s over in a few seconds. You dread looking at the girl to confirm her disappointment in your performance.

Growing up in a house with other people means that you need to break out some sneaky ninja skills when masturbating. You need to be quick, agile and most importantly not get caught. The fear of getting caught causes you to become speedster when it comes to giving yourself the low five. Get it done quickly before anyone discovers what you are doing or feel the shame of getting caught.

Unfortunately this will cause you to cum quickly when you trade in the computer screen for the real thing. Our bodies are good at learning and remembering things. Through muscle memory we learn skills and abilities that surpass conscious thinking. Without body memory no one would be able to play an instrument or drive a car because we would be thinking too much about every little action.

Cumming too quickly is the result of training your body to remember to do so. Over many quick sessions your body develops a stimulus response to seeing a naked woman. Your body knows that when you get sexually excited it’s time to have an orgasm.

Your body will respond the way you train it to. If, for example, you masturbate very quickly your body will respond by cuming quickly as well. On the other hand if you take your time your body will be trained to wait a long period of time before reaching climax.

The mind doesn’t have the ability to tell the difference between fantasy and reality. If you dream it your mind believes it. Whenever you fantasize about sleeping with the girl whose thong was hanging out the entire class you mind believes that to be real. Since you came very quickly in the fantasy your mind will send messages to the body to cum quickly when you run into the same situation in real life.

On top of that your mind likes to generalize and lump everything into one nice, neat category. It doesn’t see unique and special tits, it lumps them all into one category. When you train your mind and body to cum quickly to one naked woman it will transfer that programing over to any other women you see.

Guilt, Shame and Maddona/Whore Complex

Almost everyone has been brought up on the idea that sex and masturbating is something to be ashamed of. Through society, parents and religion we have been taught to hide our sexual nature instead of embracing it. The biggest tactic of getting people to hide their sexuality is through guilt and shame. The more guilt you have the less likely you will to engage in fun sexual acts.

This guilt and shame is triggered (mostly unconsciously) every time you masturbate. You enjoy it in the moment but shortly after the negative emotions start to come to the surface. You feel guilty or shameful every time you “sin” which leads to lower self confidence.

Porn also leads to deepen your Madonna/Whore complex. The programing that you received from church, society and parents helps you to see women in two different ways: the Madonna and the whore. The Madonna is the good girl that you marry and the whore is someone you use for sex.

Porn will give you an unrealistic view of sex and love. As much as you logically know that porn isn’t really how sex is your mind will start to see it that way. You will see women as a masturbation tool and sex as a jack hammer exhibition.

Masturbating will trigger your guilt and shame which will bring up your Madonna/ whore complex issues. Any woman that is sexual and enjoys sex will be seen as a whore through eyes because of your addiction to porn. If you do sleep with a woman you will judge her and yourself for it-no matter what you do you just can’t win.

Distract Yourself

People have many different ways of distracting themselves when they are stressed out or slightly depressed. When I get into that state I like to do absolutely nothing and just relax. Some like to exercise or drink and some like to get off to Internet porn.

There is nothing wrong with taking a break from life from time to time. It will help you to refocus your mind and build your energy back up to handle the difficult task at hand. Taking a break becomes a problem when you use it to completely ignore and distract yourself from what needs to be done.

Unfortunately another con of masturbating is that it is used to distract yourself from life’s problem. There is a thin line from taking a break and turning your back to your issues. Far too often people cross that line and become addicted to their distraction of choice.

Whacking it to porn is a very large distraction for men who are lacking in skills with women. Instead of taking on this challenge head first they resign to a life of distraction in their fantasy world-”out of mind and into porn.”

The problem is that NO matter how hard you try you can never run from your issues. Once you are aware of them there is no going back to blissful ignorance. You can go full force into hiding from them in your porn addiction but they will find you.

A Quick Note before we get to the Positives

I never really bought into the idea that releasing male fluids will drain your life energy. I think it’s complete bullshit that having sex or masturbating, life’s greatest pleasures, will leave you feeling drained.

To me, it seems like the notion that cumming will take away a man’s energy stems from the Church’s belief that masturbating and having sex is a “sin.” It’s essentially the same type of ‘this is bad for you’ programming that the Church is perpetuating.

On a genetic level our goal as individuals is to perpetuate the species through sex. We want to live long enough to pass on our seed to as many people as possible. With that said, it seems wrong to believe that our basic design is flawed and our instincts got it wrong.

We are born to fuck and enjoy sex. We feel drained at times after sex not because we are losing our ‘male energies’ but because we aren’t in great shape. If you worked out and ate right you wouldn’t feel any energy lose.

It turns out that sex is life affirming. Not having sex will cause you to become very anxious and unbalanced. “that guy needs to get laid” is said for a reason. His neurotic behavior can be balanced out by enjoying the basic of needs.

If you have bought into this new age spiritual bullshit that cumming is a bad thing get that out of your head right now. Some of you who can attest to this belief are experiencing a placebo effect. The body reacts to your minds beliefs. If you believe you will feel drained after you cum your body will act in accordance.

Positive Consequences of Watching Porn

That was a long list of negatives but there is some good that can come from watching porn. For starters, it feels damn good. It allows you to release some of the pent up tension and anxiety that rage through your body.

Standards are extremely important when it comes to mastering women. If you give it away for free no one will want it because has little value. Developing standards can be quite difficult if you have been a ‘I’ll take what I can get’ type of guy. Porn can be an easy first step to integrating a higher set of standards.

Most men will jerk off to just about anything. Swim suit models, porn stars, naked women in national geographic magazines, it’s all the same to them. If the guy is remotely attracted to the erotic image he will get off.

Start by identifying what type of women really turn you on and stick to it. What do you like? Is it blonds, short girls, tall ones, punk, goth, black, white? Me personally, I like the type of women that you see on suicide girls. The typical blond bimbo you see gracing the cover of playboy does very little for me.

From there you can start to develop an appreciation for beauty vs. ‘oh my god, she’s so fucking hot.’ When you find a girl that really does it for you take time to appreciate her beauty. Don’t focus solely on her tits and ass. Enjoy her entire body and learn to appreciate how beautiful women really are.

Greater Awareness

I mentioned before that masturbating can bring up a lot of unresolved issues to the surface. Consciously masturbating and being aware when they do come up will allow you to transcend them. Without being able to spot your problems you won’t be able to change.

Once you can see and feel your issues the next step is to let them go. Here’s a little exercise that can help you out:

**note: this exercise may sound a little airy fairy but give it a try and you’ll see why I recommend it***

Lay down on your bed or in a chair with your spine straight and place your hands on the middle of your chest. Breathe deeply and close your eyes. Imagine yourself sitting in a peaceful and serene environment. You are sitting down in front of a river in a wooded area.

Breathe deeply as you think of what is holding you back. If your issue is ’sex is a sin’ reach up into your solar plexus (above your stomach, below your rib cage) with white hands and take hold of those words.

Take the words ’sex is a sin’ and bring it all the way up your spine and out the top of your head. Imagine placing the issue into the bright, white running river. Watch as that issue floats along the white river and disappears.

Repeat this exercise over and over until you have removed your issue. This exercise can be preformed on any belief, thought or emotion that is less than healthy.

Increased Sexual Energy

Do the following exercise lying down flat or in a chair with your spine straight as it can be.

Start by breathing very very deeply and very slowly through your nose and into the lower part of your belly. Breathe deep enough to the point where you feel it in your PC muscle (area between your genitals and your ass). Then slowly breathe out of your nose releasing the air.

Once you have that down, imagine white light coming into your nose from the outside, down your front and into your genitals and a little bit into your legs. Once your belly is full with air slowly breathe out imagining the white light coming up your spin, all the way to the top of your head and out. Then bring the white light down into your belly and up again.

This exercise should be done throughout the day but especially during sex. It will help increase your sexual energy as well as your orgasms.

Last Longer In the Sack

Fast pace masturbating can cause premature ejaculation. Watching porn while you take your time and breathe deeply will allow you to last longer. You will see exciting images and not blow your load.

For exercises to help you last longer sign up for the Inner Game Reframe Newsletter on the right and you will receive a free copy of my ebook-How to Lead Her Sexually. The ebook is full of exercises and insights to help you become a better lover.

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***Question From a Reader***

Hi Alex I would like to ask you something regarding this.

I was very inspired by your words, especially this article and the article on finding your mission. I thoroughly searched for my mission and it is: entertaining people, making them smile through humor. One of the things I want to leave behind after I die is laughter. I want them to feel entertained and laugh when they think about me.

I feel that I have often entertained people by not saying what came to my mind in that moment, and instead by making up stories or adding some extras, especially because:

1) humor can be subjective; one ironic remark or a joke may create totally different reactions in different people – so I add a little coloring, spice up and distort the truth; or tell totally different things according to the different audiences or people listening to me (from the very moment I introduce myself)

2) being completely honest is not always very entertaining. Also you said it in the article. It can actually make you loose friends (instead of making them laugh).

I almost think that, in order to entertain, I project a different “persona” with every different social group I am in. A bit like professional comedians do… but I try to entertain all the time, in my daily life, wherever I am

I have noticed that this doesn’t always allow me to grow deeper relationships with people, unless I interact with 1-2 people at a time (but usually I spend most of my time among larger groups).

What do you think about this?
How can I entertain, make people laugh (especially if they are from different backgrounds; especially because the same joke doesn’t work on everyone) and be completely honest/integral at the same time?

***My Answer***

Hey TS,

It’s great that you found your calling, your mission. Most people go their entire lives without having the slightest idea of what they want to do. They wonder aimlessly through life buying things they don’t need in order to make up for feeling unfulfilled.

Your are right, humor is very subjective and not everyone is going to like the same things. Some might like racist jokes, some don’t. Some like cute jokes with a twist or play on words but some won’t. Some people, like myself, enjoy very crude jokes.

The problem is that you are attempting to make everyone laugh by changing yourself. Trying to please everyone with your humor is impossible to do. It’s similar to trying to make food that is loved by all. It can’t be done and you will waste your time trying to make it. No matter what ingredient you include there will still be people who don’t like it.

In order to truly be successful in making people laugh you need to be able to exclude certain people from your humor. If you try to make everyone laugh very few people will enjoy the jokes. You will be overly cautious about upsetting anyone or telling the wrong joke. You will be playing it safe and safe is never funny.

The best comedians understand that appealing to the masses will get you no where. They don’t try to make everyone laugh but instead they target a specific group of people and stick to it. Just like in business they find their niche and exploit it

The big difference between people who are funny and people who try to be funny but fail is their delivery. The timing and how smooth the joke comes out depends on how relaxed they are. If you take a person who is not funny but tries to be you will notice how nervous or scared they are when they deliver their joke. It comes out either too fast or too slow and often with a lot of st-st-st-stuttering.

Their jokes don’t hit because people can feel that they are trying a little too hard. They are trying to be funny and liked but it usually back fires on them. All of their approval seeking causes their jokes to be completely unfunny. Some might give them a pity laugh but you can tell it’s insincere.

Changing who you are just for laughs will wear you down over time. Eventually the incongruence will start to frustrate you. You might still get laughs but on the inside you will start to feel like a tool who will do anything for a smile and a chuckle.

I understand the importance of making things funny or playing a character from time to time but saying certain jokes to certain people is not the way to go. It lacks integrity and courage whenever you do this. Any time you water down a part of yourself or your jokes you are selling out in order to be liked.

You do this and wonder why you are not developing many deep relationships with people. In order to be truly loved (for being you) you must run the risk of being hated. Being authentic brings a lot of criticism and judgment from others but it also brings in deeper love filled relationships.

You know the saying “you can’t truly love another until you truly love yourself” well the reverse works the same. Others can not love you until you love yourself. It’s impossible to truly love yourself when you are not being real and authentic.

It seems like I’m being extreme with you but I know that this is a deeper issue beyond just making people laugh. I can feel your confusion in who and what to be around other people.

You feel that lacking in your relationships with other people because you are trying to please them instead of being upfront and honest. You aren’t telling the jokes you want to tell but the ones they want to hear. By doing this you are not truly being loved or connecting with with very many people.

People respect courage, especially the courage to be hated. It’s an attractive quality to have that draws others into your life. They see you having the courage to be authentic and long for it.

On the other hand the ones that adjust their personalities to whoever is around are not very loved. Notice I didn’t say liked, I said loved. People like the personality changers but don’t truly love those people. Majority of people are like this and you remind them of themselves but most people don’t love who they are.

How to Be Loved

To be loved or love someone else is to let your guard down and expose the real you to them. Whenever you change yourself you are putting a blockade up between yourself and them. This makes it difficult for them to truly open up and love you.

To connect deeply with others there needs to be no resistance between you and the other person. People can’t connect with you because you aren’t being yourself, you are being a character. They might find the character amusing but it’s holding you back from having deep connections with other people.

This happens because there is no trust between you two. A connection needs to be made from a place of trust in order for people to open up to you deeply because opening up is a big risk. If there is no trust they will be resistant to opening up because they will fear being screwed over by you. If you haven’t been screwed over by someone you trusted believe me it does not feel good.

They don’t have a basic trust for you because you are playing this character and changing your persona. They know on some level you are not being real with them and they pull back from you. They know you are lying to them. They know that at any time you could change into something different, something they won’t like.

In order to be authentic with others you must accept that not everyone is going to like you. It’s a good thing because not everyone is going to be healthy to have in your life. If you decide to go this route understand that you are shutting the door on some people. Whenever you go down one path you choosing to not go down another.

Most people try to be liked by everyone but are rarely loved by anyone. Trying to be something that everyone buys will put you into the gray area of life. You are neither loved nor hated but most importantly you are not noticed.

On top of that the relationships that you create, based on pretending to be this character, will be fake. They like the character but not the real you. You will always wonder if they would still like you if you were being yourself flaws and all.

Honesty

The best comedians are the most honest ones. I doubt that George Carlin would have become famous if he didn’t integrate his personality and honest opinions into his routines. If he had played it safe and never ripped on religion or anyone you probably would have never heard of him.

He didn’t get everyone to like him by telling those types of jokes but he was loved by a lot of people. He cut off the idiots who still go to church or the overly sensitive people but he was loved by everyone else.

What can you do?

Become more honest and congruent with yourself and others. You can be funny and still be honest with people. There is no rule that says your honesty can’t be said in a humorous way.

For example: you could say “relationships and being in love is annoying” nothing funny about that. Or you could say “If you haven’t contemplated murder, you aint been in love. If you haven’t seriously contemplated killing a motha fucker, you aint been in love. If you haven’t had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for forty-five minutes straight, you aint been in love. If you haven’t bought a bag and a shovel and a rug to roll they ass up in, you aint been in love. If you haven’t practiced your alibi in front of the mirror, you aint been in love. And the only thing that stopped you from killing this mother fucka is an episode of CSI.”-Chris Rock

Figure out the type of jokes that you like to tell and tell them regardless of who you are in front of. If you like racial jokes, tell them. If you like knock knock jokes, tell them. If you are like me and enjoy sexist jokes tell them too.

Don’t change them up because it might bother someone or they might not find it funny. A key to making people laugh is you being able to laugh at your own jokes. If you don’t find them funny you will have a difficult time convincing others to laugh.

If you play a character, make it obvious that you are playing a character. Don’t let your entire life become one character after another and end up with no one knowing you at all. Even worse, don’t get so lost in trying to make people laugh that you don’t even know who you are anymore.

Questions? Click here to send me a question

The age old question of who should pay on a date or in a relationship, the man or the woman? Most people would agree that the man should pay but this becomes a problem when the man pays too much. He opens up his wallet hoping that at the end of the night the woman will open up her pants. Often he is shut down and better off buying a hooker instead.

Paying on Dates

It’s silly to think that the amount of money you throw down on a date will determine whether or not you are getting lucky tonight but is it really?

Most men are complete schmucks when it comes to women. This forces women to settle on many levels for men who just don’t get it. If almost all the men women meet don’t make them feel any sort of attraction why not go for the best looking or the ones with the most money?

This is exactly what I (and I’m sure you would too) would do if all the women I met were extremely boring or needy. If all of them used the same pickup line or complimented me way too much I would go for the best looking ones.

The problem men will face when coughing up the loot on dates is that there will always be someone with more money than you and thus a bigger better deal. There will always be other men with larger wallets and you just can’t compete.

I recently got an email from a reader telling me about this date he went on with a girl. He spent over 350$ for the night and didn’t even get a good night kiss. He sent her a box of chocolates a couple days later and didn’t even get a simple thank you. Rough.

A lot of men try to impress women by taking them out to a fancy restaurant and spending a lot of money. Often they spend beyond their means in an attempt to get some action from the girl. It’s a big mistake that men never seem to catch onto.

They spend all of this money and don’t even get a good night kiss. The money would be better spent buying a hooker instead. At least with the hooker you are guaranteed to get laid.

There is nothing wrong with paying but it’s downright stupid to think paying will actually get you laid. You aren’t impressing anyone. This will send a clear message to the woman that you are very needy because you look for her approval by trying to impress her.

If you want to pay for dinner, fine but do it because you want to and not because you think you will get something in return. Don’t give to get because more often than not you will end up with nothing in return.

If it’s part of your normal life to go out to restaurants and eat fancy food then it’s ok to include her in your mission. But if it’s not part of your normal life than your plans will fall apart very quickly.

Spoiled women to avoid

Believe it or not there are women out there that will take full advantage of your “generosity.” They know that there will be no future relationship between you two so they use you to get a free meal. They agree to your date in order to get a couple of free drinks and dinner at a fancy restaurant. Often they will call it an early night and then go out with a guy they are really attracted to.

Women aren’t entirely to blame for this because it wasn’t like she pulled a gun out and forced you to take her to a nice restaurant. You are a player in this game as well.

There are many signs of a spoiled woman that you should be aware of. First thing you need to do is to stop thinking about getting laid and start having standards. If you are desperate for female company and will take anything you can get women will pick up on this. Spoiled women will be able to spot you from a mile away because you are an ideal target.

While there are many signs of a spoiled woman the biggest sign is that she is a taker and not a giver. If you meet her out at a club or bar and one of the first few things she says to you is “can you buy me a drink?” she’s a taker.

Takers are just that, they take and they take. Women (and men) who take from you will offer very little value in return for what you give.

Avoid these ‘buy me a drink’ woman as if they were the plague. No good can come out of dating women like this and you will be sorry in the end. You will end up paying for it in more ways than one.

Some women will actually make a game out of getting free drinks. They will leave the house with no money in order to see if they can drink for free for the night. This is only made possible by men like you.

Some times you don’t meet them in a club or bar and will be unable to tell if she’s a taker or not right away. In this case there are two things that you can do:

1. When the check comes just stare at her. If she makes no attempt what so ever to offer to pay then she’s a taker.

2. Take her to some place that involves little to no money. If you are a ‘cheap date’ and she becomes annoyed or disappointed by this then she’s a taker.

Taker in relationships

I was out eating the other day when I overheard two girls talking. One wanted to get something really expensive and she said “oh well, I’ll just have my boyfriend buy it. He should buy it anyways” and just laughed. No he shouldn’t because men are not ATM’s.

It’s nice to give to others but it becomes an issue when they expect you to give and start making demands. Would your girlfriend be upset if you suddenly stopped spoiling her? How would she react if you told her no when she asked for something? If she gets extremely upset and throws a temper tantrum then she is a spoiled woman who is a taker.

The Keepers

It’s not about being cheap in life, it’s about finding women who don’t let money determine another persons value. The problem with dating spoiled women is that money can easily come and go. What happens if you lose your job and suddenly you find yourself dead broke? Will she still stick around?

The women to look for are the ones who will offer to pay even if you decide to pay for the meal. The ones to date are the ones who will still like you regardless of how much you spend on them. The ones to keep in your life are the ones who don’t need it but truly appreciate it when you do “spoil” them.

These types of women are givers who will contribute a lot to your life. These women will give and give and make you desire to give back to them. Not because you are obligated but because you generally want to give.

To recap, go for women who enjoy your company and not your wallet. Raise your standards to avoid these spoiled women. And if you still believe that paying for a meal will get you laid you are better off buying a hooker instead.

Sign up for a phone consultation to get further help developing your inner game and never waste another dime on pointless dates.