For most of my life I have not been very confident. When I asked my parents how to be confident they only shrugged their shoulders and told me I was special-what help they were. I asked my friends for advice but that’s was as useful as asking a blind man if he liked the color of my shirt. Finding no answers from my friends and family I turned to the Internet for help.

Looking to the internet for sage wisdom on how to get something everyone else seemed to have was a fool’s errand. Desperate for confidence I bought into the advice that dressing better was the key, as if confidence was embedded into cotton fabric, denim and leather shoes.

Got the clothes and nothing seemed to change. Looked better but felt just as bad as I did before. On the plus side I received more compliments from women but none of them wanted to sleep with me. What’s a compliment worth if she won’t sleep with you?

The majority advice you receive on the internet is the same hackneyed garbage that has been floating around since your parents were growing up. Take in, rinse, recycle and repeat is their motto. Worse of all is that their advice gets implanted in your head after a thousand or so times of hearing it.

Through trial and error I have figured out how to gain the ever so elusive trait called confidence. Since you can’t spell attraction without confidence I will tell you how-no credit card required.

Confidence does not stem from one single place, it’s a complete system. People are impatient when it comes to getting things. They want it NOW, NOW, NOW! This leads them to look for a quick fix and easily digestible cure. You will hear marketers promoting do this ONE thing and you will get results, but it doesn’t work that way with almost everything worth having in life. There is not one singular path to take, one exercise to do or program to buy-it’s a complete system.

There are three aspects to confidence:

*Body
*Mind
*Soul

Each aspect needs to be balanced in order to feel an intense level of confidence. You can’t focus solely on the body without working on the mind or soul. If you do so you will be strong in one area but lacking in the others and still not feel confident. It’s similar to getting an amazing exhaust system on your car but keeping a below average carburetor and wondering why your car runs the same as it always has.

This may be a surprise to some of you but how you treat your body will affect your moods. Eating a cheeseburger can feel good, eating ten in a row will make you feel sick and make your emotions take a turn for the worse.

How well you take care of your body will determine a lot (not all) of how good you feel at any given time. If you treat it with respect it will reward you in kind by pumping out feel good chemicals into your body. If on the other hand you are reckless with the one body that you have you will feel awful physically and emotionally.

I don’t expect you to be a boy scout when it comes to working out and eating right, God knows I’m not, but try your best to take care of your body. Here’s a list of things you can do to make your body and yourself feel better:

*Get proper sleep. If you are a club kid and go out 3 plus nights a week you need to learn to cut back. It may be fun for a while but all of the booze and sleepless nights will soon catch up to you. When that happens your body will simply crash.

Getting the right amount of sleep is something that the majority of people take for granted. Having sleep problems for all of my life (sleep walking, insomnia) I can attest to the issues that can arise from not getting a good nights rest.

I’ve noticed that most of the time the mind is extremely active when you are tired. The little voice inside your head that creates insecurities by telling you that you are worthless is stronger when your body desperately needs sleep.

This problem is easily solved by making sleep a priority. I know you have tasks that need to get done but getting good sleep should be high on that list. Without enough sleep all of your tasks will take longer and not be completed as well they could be.

Eating better

What you put into your body will affect your energy and your mood. Who knew right? Make the amount of junk food that you consume less than the healthy food you take in. If you do this you will have more energy. More energy on top of being awake from getting proper rest equals positive mood. Happy people have far greater success with women than miserable people do.

I suggest that you start taking multivitamins as well. You don’t need to be a body builder to be taking these oh so helpful little pills. They will give you the vitamins you need to be able to get through your day when eating one hundred percent healthy food isn’t possible.

Working Out

Do big, lean and cut muscles attract more women? Of course they do but this shouldn’t be your motivation for working out. The muscles attract women but the deeper level of attraction comes from what an in shape body represents. Working out shows women that you have high enough self esteem to want to take care of your body.

The truth is that working out is not fun..at first. For at least 3-6 months you will NOT enjoy going to workout. The first few times you will feel excited and highly motivated but that will fade. After your excitement is broken down by aching muscles discipline will get you through the rough patch. Check out this article written by one of my favorite bloggers/author’s Steve Pavlina on developing discipline:

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/06/self-discipline/

Once discipline is set in place you will start to enjoy going to the gym. It will give you more energy throughout your day. This extra energy will make you feel better and much more pleasurable to be around. It won’t completely change your life but it will add another piece to discovering how to become confident.

The key to working out is your motivation and your goals. It’s important to not go to the gym attempting to become a model with abs of steel. Having that type of goal will result in a heap of disappointment and frustration. You won’t find pleasure in working out until you have reached your goal of having an amazing body.

When you have an unhealthy goal of looking like Brad Pit in Fight Club you will constantly look towards the future instead of how far you have come. I’m not there yet… will ring throughout your head if you are too future oriented. Every inch of progress will not be celebrated because you aren’t there yet. If you are too future oriented the amount of pressure and the daunting task at hand will become too overwhelming and you will just give up.

The key to being happy while still improving your life is to know where you want to be, congratulate yourself for the smallest improvement and forget your goal completely. I’m sure you have heard the saying It’s not the destination but how you get there it’s become a clich© but it’s still true. The goal will never be as sweet as you make it out to be. Even if you do reach your goal the sense of accomplishment will be short lived and disappointment will start to set in.

The same principles for working out apply to building confidence. Focus too much on your goals and the pressure to succeed will crush you. Thinking only of how far you have to go will overshadow every improvement. You will move one step in the right direction and be pulled back two steps in the wrong.

Never compare yourself to other people. This is an offshoot of the way people handle improvement by focusing on their goals a little too much. They see other people and how far ahead they are in the race only becoming increasingly frustrated.

Accept that there are people who are better than you. Accept that there are people who are worse off than you. None of this really matters in the long run. He’s more confident than you are, so what? He gets laid far more often than you do, who cares? Their level of success or lack of success doesn’t change where you are right now.

I should be here I should be more confident than I am… no you shouldn’t. You should be exactly where you are. If you were meant to be more confident than you would be but you aren’t, so get over it. Being upset over where you could be is time wasted that could be spent growing and improving.

Check back for Part Two on How to Be Confident or sign up on the right for the IGR Newsletter to receive these posts in your inbox.

The lights are dimmed, shades are down and your favorite scented candles are burning. The mood is just right to say hello to your monster but is masturbating to porn a good thing or not? To answer that question, yes and no. There is no such thing as good or bad but only consequences of your actions. Every consequence is either desirable or undesirable.

Whether the consequences of masturbating are desirable or not depends greatly on your perspective and who you are. It’s not the action in itself that makes something bad but the person who is doing it.

If the action (masturbating) in and of itself was inherently negative or positive everyone would have the same response to it. If getting off to porn was bad for you then EVERYONE would experience negative consequences when they did it but we know that is not always the case. Some have good consequences while others have horrible negative consequences.

Most people enjoy labeling something as bad without ever thinking that they may play a role in their negative experience. Even worse is that they like to tell others that it’s a bad idea-oh no, you shouldn’t do that!

Negative Consequences of Watching Porn

The first negative consequence of watching porn can be a very detrimental one: pre-mature ejaculation. Nothing is worse than waiting so long to have sex and when you finally get an opportunity to get laid it’s over in a few seconds. You dread looking at the girl to confirm her disappointment in your performance.

Growing up in a house with other people means that you need to break out some sneaky ninja skills when masturbating. You need to be quick, agile and most importantly not get caught. The fear of getting caught causes you to become speedster when it comes to giving yourself the low five. Get it done quickly before anyone discovers what you are doing or feel the shame of getting caught.

Unfortunately this will cause you to cum quickly when you trade in the computer screen for the real thing. Our bodies are good at learning and remembering things. Through muscle memory we learn skills and abilities that surpass conscious thinking. Without body memory no one would be able to play an instrument or drive a car because we would be thinking too much about every little action.

Cumming too quickly is the result of training your body to remember to do so. Over many quick sessions your body develops a stimulus response to seeing a naked woman. Your body knows that when you get sexually excited it’s time to have an orgasm.

Your body will respond the way you train it to. If, for example, you masturbate very quickly your body will respond by cumming quickly as well. On the other hand if you take your time your body will be trained to wait a long period of time before reaching climax.

The mind doesn’t have the ability to tell the difference between fantasy and reality. If you dream it your mind believes it. Whenever you fantasize about sleeping with the girl whose thong was hanging out the entire class you mind believes that to be real. Since you came very quickly in the fantasy your mind will send messages to the body to cum quickly when you run into the same situation in real life.

On top of that your mind likes to generalize and lump everything into one nice, neat category. It doesn’t see unique and special tits, it lumps them all into one category. When you train your mind and body to cum quickly to one naked woman it will transfer that programing over to any other women you see.

Guilt, Shame and Madonna/Whore Complex

Almost everyone has been brought up on the idea that sex and masturbating is something to be ashamed of. Through society, parents and religion we have been taught to hide our sexual nature instead of embracing it. The biggest tactic of getting people to hide their sexuality is through guilt and shame. The more guilt you have the less likely you will to engage in fun sexual acts.

This guilt and shame is triggered (mostly unconsciously) every time you masturbate. You enjoy it in the moment but shortly after the negative emotions start to come to the surface. You feel guilty or shameful every time you sin which leads to lower self confidence.

Porn also leads to deepen your Madonna/Whore complex. The programing that you received from church, society and parents helps you to see women in two different ways: the Madonna and the whore. The Madonna is the good girl that you marry and the whore is someone you use for sex.

Porn will give you an unrealistic view of sex and love. As much as you logically know that porn isn’t really how sex is your mind will start to see it that way. You will see women as a masturbation tool and sex as a jack hammer exhibition.

Masturbating will trigger your guilt and shame which will bring up your Madonna/ whore complex issues. Any woman that is sexual and enjoys sex will be seen as a whore through eyes because of your addiction to porn. If you do sleep with a woman you will judge her and yourself for it-no matter what you do you just can’t win.

Distract Yourself

People have many different ways of distracting themselves when they are stressed out or slightly depressed. When I get into that state I like to do absolutely nothing and just relax. Some like to exercise or drink and some like to get off to Internet porn.

There is nothing wrong with taking a break from life from time to time. It will help you to refocus your mind and build your energy back up to handle the difficult task at hand. Taking a break becomes a problem when you use it to completely ignore and distract yourself from what needs to be done.

Unfortunately another con of masturbating is that it is used to distract yourself from life’s problem. There is a thin line from taking a break and turning your back to your issues. Far too often people cross that line and become addicted to their distraction of choice.

Whacking it to porn is a very large distraction for men who are lacking in skills with women. Instead of taking on this challenge head first they resign to a life of distraction in their fantasy world-out of mind and into porn.

The problem is that NO matter how hard you try you can never run from your issues. Once you are aware of them there is no going back to blissful ignorance. You can go full force into hiding from them in your porn addiction but they will find you.

A Quick Note before we get to the Positives

I never really bought into the idea that releasing male fluids will drain your life energy. I think it’s complete bullshit that having sex or masturbating, life’s greatest pleasures, will leave you feeling drained.

To me, it seems like the notion that cumming will take away a man’s energy stems from the Church’s belief that masturbating and having sex is a sin. It’s essentially the same type of ‘this is bad for you’ programming that the Church is perpetuating.

On a genetic level our goal as individuals is to perpetuate the species through sex. We want to live long enough to pass on our seed to as many people as possible. With that said, it seems wrong to believe that our basic design is flawed and our instincts got it wrong.

We are born to fuck and enjoy sex. We feel drained at times after sex not because we are losing our ‘male energies’ but because we aren’t in great shape. If you worked out and ate right you wouldn’t feel any energy lose.

It turns out that sex is life affirming. Not having sex will cause you to become very anxious and unbalanced. That guy needs to get laid is said for a reason. His neurotic behavior can be balanced out by enjoying the basic of needs.

If you have bought into this new age spiritual bullshit that cumming is a bad thing get that out of your head right now. Some of you who can attest to this belief are experiencing a placebo effect. The body reacts to your minds beliefs. If you believe you will feel drained after you cum your body will act in accordance.

Positive Consequences of Watching Porn

That was a long list of negatives but there is some good that can come from watching porn. For starters, it feels damn good. It allows you to release some of the pent up tension and anxiety that rage through your body.

Standards are extremely important when it comes to mastering women. If you give it away for free no one will want it because has little value. Developing standards can be quite difficult if you have been a ‘I’ll take what I can get’ type of guy. Porn can be an easy first step to integrating a higher set of standards.

Most men will jerk off to just about anything. Swim suit models, porn stars, naked women in national geographic magazines, it’s all the same to them. If the guy is remotely attracted to the erotic image he will get off.

Start by identifying what type of women really turn you on and stick to it. What do you like? Is it blonds, short girls, tall ones, punk, goth, black, white? Me personally, I like the type of women that you see on suicide girls. The typical blond bimbo you see gracing the cover of playboy does very little for me.

From there you can start to develop an appreciation for beauty vs. ‘oh my god, she’s so fucking hot.’ When you find a girl that really does it for you take time to appreciate her beauty. Don’t focus solely on her tits and ass. Enjoy her entire body and learn to appreciate how beautiful women really are.

Greater Awareness

I mentioned before that masturbating can bring up a lot of unresolved issues to the surface. Consciously masturbating and being aware when they do come up will allow you to transcend them. Without being able to spot your problems you won’t be able to change.

Once you can see and feel your issues the next step is to let them go. Here’s a little exercise that can help you out:

**note: this exercise may sound a little airy fairy but give it a try and you’ll see why I recommend it***

Lay down on your bed or in a chair with your spine straight and place your hands on the middle of your chest. Breathe deeply and close your eyes. Imagine yourself sitting in a peaceful and serene environment. You are sitting down in front of a river in a wooded area.

Breathe deeply as you think of what is holding you back. If your issue is ‘sex is a sin’ reach up into your solar plexus (above your stomach, below your rib cage) with white hands and take hold of those words.

Take the words ‘sex is a sin’ and bring it all the way up your spine and out the top of your head. Imagine placing the issue into the bright, white running river. Watch as that issue floats along the white river and disappears.

Repeat this exercise over and over until you have removed your issue. This exercise can be preformed on any belief, thought or emotion that is less than healthy.

Increased Sexual Energy

Do the following exercise lying down flat or in a chair with your spine straight as it can be.

Start by breathing very very deeply and very slowly through your nose and into the lower part of your belly. Breathe deep enough to the point where you feel it in your PC muscle (area between your genitals and your ass). Then slowly breathe out of your nose releasing the air.

Once you have that down, imagine white light coming into your nose from the outside, down your front and into your genitals and a little bit into your legs. Once your belly is full with air slowly breathe out imagining the white light coming up your spin, all the way to the top of your head and out. Then bring the white light down into your belly and up again.

This exercise should be done throughout the day but especially during sex. It will help increase your sexual energy as well as your orgasms.

Last Longer In the Sack

Fast pace masturbating can cause premature ejaculation. Watching porn while you take your time and breathe deeply will allow you to last longer. You will see exciting images and not blow your load.

For exercises to help you last longer sign up for the Inner Game Reframe Newsletter on the right and you will receive a free copy of my ebook-How to Lead Her Sexually. The ebook is full of exercises and insights to help you become a better lover.

Sign up for Inner Game Reframe Newsletters on the right—>

***Question From a Reader***

Hi Alex I would like to ask you something regarding this.

I was very inspired by your words, especially this article and the article on finding your mission. I thoroughly searched for my mission and it is: entertaining people, making them smile through humor. One of the things I want to leave behind after I die is laughter. I want them to feel entertained and laugh when they think about me.

I feel that I have often entertained people by not saying what came to my mind in that moment, and instead by making up stories or adding some extras, especially because:

1) humor can be subjective; one ironic remark or a joke may create totally different reactions in different people – so I add a little coloring, spice up and distort the truth; or tell totally different things according to the different audiences or people listening to me (from the very moment I introduce myself)

2) being completely honest is not always very entertaining. Also you said it in the article. It can actually make you loose friends (instead of making them laugh).

I almost think that, in order to entertain, I project a different persona with every different social group I am in. A bit like professional comedians do¦ but I try to entertain all the time, in my daily life, wherever I am

I have noticed that this doesn’t always allow me to grow deeper relationships with people, unless I interact with 1-2 people at a time (but usually I spend most of my time among larger groups).

What do you think about this?
How can I entertain, make people laugh (especially if they are from different backgrounds; especially because the same joke doesn’t work on everyone) and be completely honest/integral at the same time?

***My Answer***

Hey TS,

It’s great that you found your calling, your mission. Most people go their entire lives without having the slightest idea of what they want to do. They wonder aimlessly through life buying things they don’t need in order to make up for feeling unfulfilled.

Your are right, humor is very subjective and not everyone is going to like the same things. Some might like racist jokes, some don’t. Some like cute jokes with a twist or play on words but some won’t. Some people, like myself, enjoy very crude jokes.

The problem is that you are attempting to make everyone laugh by changing yourself. Trying to please everyone with your humor is impossible to do. It’s similar to trying to make food that is loved by all. It can’t be done and you will waste your time trying to make it. No matter what ingredient you include there will still be people who don’t like it.

In order to truly be successful in making people laugh you need to be able to exclude certain people from your humor. If you try to make everyone laugh very few people will enjoy the jokes. You will be overly cautious about upsetting anyone or telling the wrong joke. You will be playing it safe and safe is never funny.

The best comedians understand that appealing to the masses will get you no where. They don’t try to make everyone laugh but instead they target a specific group of people and stick to it. Just like in business they find their niche and exploit it

The big difference between people who are funny and people who try to be funny but fail is their delivery. The timing and how smooth the joke comes out depends on how relaxed they are. If you take a person who is not funny but tries to be you will notice how nervous or scared they are when they deliver their joke. It comes out either too fast or too slow and often with a lot of st-st-st-stuttering.

Their jokes don’t hit because people can feel that they are trying a little too hard. They are trying to be funny and liked but it usually back fires on them. All of their approval seeking causes their jokes to be completely unfunny. Some might give them a pity laugh but you can tell it’s insincere.

Changing who you are just for laughs will wear you down over time. Eventually the in-congruence will start to frustrate you. You might still get laughs but on the inside you will start to feel like a tool who will do anything for a smile and a chuckle.

I understand the importance of making things funny or playing a character from time to time but saying certain jokes to certain people is not the way to go. It lacks integrity and courage whenever you do this. Any time you water down a part of yourself or your jokes you are selling out in order to be liked.

You do this and wonder why you are not developing many deep relationships with people. In order to be truly loved (for being you) you must run the risk of being hated. Being authentic brings a lot of criticism and judgment from others but it also brings in deeper love filled relationships.

You know the saying you can’t truly love another until you truly love yourself well the reverse works the same. Others can not love you until you love yourself. It’s impossible to truly love yourself when you are not being real and authentic.

It seems like I’m being extreme with you but I know that this is a deeper issue beyond just making people laugh. I can feel your confusion in who and what to be around other people.

You feel that lacking in your relationships with other people because you are trying to please them instead of being upfront and honest. You aren’t telling the jokes you want to tell but the ones they want to hear. By doing this you are not truly being loved or connecting with with very many people.

People respect courage, especially the courage to be hated. It’s an attractive quality to have that draws others into your life. They see you having the courage to be authentic and long for it.

On the other hand the ones that adjust their personalities to whoever is around are not very loved. Notice I didn’t say liked, I said loved. People like the personality changers but don’t truly love those people. Majority of people are like this and you remind them of themselves but most people don’t love who they are.

How to Be Loved

To be loved or love someone else is to let your guard down and expose the real you to them. Whenever you change yourself you are putting a blockade up between yourself and them. This makes it difficult for them to truly open up and love you.

To connect deeply with others there needs to be no resistance between you and the other person. People can’t connect with you because you aren’t being yourself, you are being a character. They might find the character amusing but it’s holding you back from having deep connections with other people.

This happens because there is no trust between you two. A connection needs to be made from a place of trust in order for people to open up to you deeply because opening up is a big risk. If there is no trust they will be resistant to opening up because they will fear being screwed over by you. If you haven’t been screwed over by someone you trusted believe me it does not feel good.

They don’t have a basic trust for you because you are playing this character and changing your persona. They know on some level you are not being real with them and they pull back from you. They know you are lying to them. They know that at any time you could change into something different, something they won’t like.

In order to be authentic with others you must accept that not everyone is going to like you. It’s a good thing because not everyone is going to be healthy to have in your life. If you decide to go this route understand that you are shutting the door on some people. Whenever you go down one path you choosing to not go down another.

Most people try to be liked by everyone but are rarely loved by anyone. Trying to be something that everyone buys will put you into the gray area of life. You are neither loved nor hated but most importantly you are not noticed.

On top of that the relationships that you create, based on pretending to be this character, will be fake. They like the character but not the real you. You will always wonder if they would still like you if you were being yourself flaws and all.

Honesty

The best comedians are the most honest ones. I doubt that George Carlin would have become famous if he didn’t integrate his personality and honest opinions into his routines. If he had played it safe and never ripped on religion or anyone you probably would have never heard of him.

He didn’t get everyone to like him by telling those types of jokes but he was loved by a lot of people. He cut off the idiots who still go to church or the overly sensitive people but he was loved by everyone else.

What can you do?

Become more honest and congruent with yourself and others. You can be funny and still be honest with people. There is no rule that says your honesty can’t be said in a humorous way.

For example: you could say relationships and being in love is annoying nothing funny about that. Or you could say If you haven’t contemplated murder, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t seriously contemplated killing a motha fucker, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for forty-five minutes straight, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t bought a bag and a shovel and a rug to roll they ass up in, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t practiced your alibi in front of the mirror, you ain’t been in love. And the only thing that stopped you from killing this mother fucka is an episode of CSI.-Chris Rock

Figure out the type of jokes that you like to tell and tell them regardless of who you are in front of. If you like racial jokes, tell them. If you like knock knock jokes, tell them. If you are like me and enjoy sexist jokes tell them too.

Don’t change them up because it might bother someone or they might not find it funny. A key to making people laugh is you being able to laugh at your own jokes. If you don’t find them funny you will have a difficult time convincing others to laugh.

If you play a character, make it obvious that you are playing a character. Don’t let your entire life become one character after another and end up with no one knowing you at all. Even worse, don’t get so lost in trying to make people laugh that you don’t even know who you are anymore.

Questions? Click here to send me a question

The age old question of who should pay on a date or in a relationship, the man or the woman? Most people would agree that the man should pay but this becomes a problem when the man pays too much. He opens up his wallet hoping that at the end of the night the woman will open up her pants. Often he is shut down and better off buying a hooker instead.

Paying on Dates

It’s silly to think that the amount of money you throw down on a date will determine whether or not you are getting lucky tonight but is it really?

Most men are complete schmucks when it comes to women. This forces women to settle on many levels for men who just don’t get it. If almost all the men women meet don’t make them feel any sort of attraction why not go for the best looking or the ones with the most money?

This is exactly what I (and I’m sure you would too) would do if all the women I met were extremely boring or needy. If all of them used the same pickup line or complimented me way too much I would go for the best looking ones.

The problem men will face when coughing up the loot on dates is that there will always be someone with more money than you and thus a bigger better deal. There will always be other men with larger wallets and you just can’t compete.

I recently got an email from a reader telling me about this date he went on with a girl. He spent over 350$ for the night and didn’t even get a good night kiss. He sent her a box of chocolates a couple days later and didn’t even get a simple thank you. Rough.

A lot of men try to impress women by taking them out to a fancy restaurant and spending a lot of money. Often they spend beyond their means in an attempt to get some action from the girl. It’s a big mistake that men never seem to catch onto.

They spend all of this money and don’t even get a good night kiss. The money would be better spent buying a hooker instead. At least with the hooker you are guaranteed to get laid.

There is nothing wrong with paying but it’s downright stupid to think paying will actually get you laid. You aren’t impressing anyone. This will send a clear message to the woman that you are very needy because you look for her approval by trying to impress her.

If you want to pay for dinner, fine but do it because you want to and not because you think you will get something in return. Don’t give to get because more often than not you will end up with nothing in return.

If it’s part of your normal life to go out to restaurants and eat fancy food then it’s ok to include her in your mission. But if it’s not part of your normal life than your plans will fall apart very quickly.

Spoiled women to avoid

Believe it or not there are women out there that will take full advantage of your generosity. They know that there will be no future relationship between you two so they use you to get a free meal. They agree to your date in order to get a couple of free drinks and dinner at a fancy restaurant. Often they will call it an early night and then go out with a guy they are really attracted to.

Women aren’t entirely to blame for this because it wasn’t like she pulled a gun out and forced you to take her to a nice restaurant. You are a player in this game as well.

There are many signs of a spoiled woman that you should be aware of. First thing you need to do is to stop thinking about getting laid and start having standards. If you are desperate for female company and will take anything you can get women will pick up on this. Spoiled women will be able to spot you from a mile away because you are an ideal target.

While there are many signs of a spoiled woman the biggest sign is that she is a taker and not a giver. If you meet her out at a club or bar and one of the first few things she says to you is can you buy me a drink? she’s a taker.

Takers are just that, they take and they take. Women (and men) who take from you will offer very little value in return for what you give.

Avoid these ‘buy me a drink’ woman as if they were the plague. No good can come out of dating women like this and you will be sorry in the end. You will end up paying for it in more ways than one.

Some women will actually make a game out of getting free drinks. They will leave the house with no money in order to see if they can drink for free for the night. This is only made possible by men like you.

Some times you don’t meet them in a club or bar and will be unable to tell if she’s a taker or not right away. In this case there are two things that you can do:

1. When the check comes just stare at her. If she makes no attempt what so ever to offer to pay then she’s a taker.

2. Take her to some place that involves little to no money. If you are a ‘cheap date’ and she becomes annoyed or disappointed by this then she’s a taker.

Taker in relationships

I was out eating the other day when I overheard two girls talking. One wanted to get something really expensive and she said oh well, I’ll just have my boyfriend buy it. He should buy it anyways and just laughed. No he shouldn’t because men are not ATM’s.

It’s nice to give to others but it becomes an issue when they expect you to give and start making demands. Would your girlfriend be upset if you suddenly stopped spoiling her? How would she react if you told her no when she asked for something? If she gets extremely upset and throws a temper tantrum then she is a spoiled woman who is a taker.

The Keepers

It’s not about being cheap in life, it’s about finding women who don’t let money determine another persons value. The problem with dating spoiled women is that money can easily come and go. What happens if you lose your job and suddenly you find yourself dead broke? Will she still stick around?

The women to look for are the ones who will offer to pay even if you decide to pay for the meal. The ones to date are the ones who will still like you regardless of how much you spend on them. The ones to keep in your life are the ones who don’t need it but truly appreciate it when you do spoil them.

These types of women are givers who will contribute a lot to your life. These women will give and give and make you desire to give back to them. Not because you are obligated but because you generally want to give.

To recap, go for women who enjoy your company and not your wallet. Raise your standards to avoid these spoiled women. And if you still believe that paying for a meal will get you laid you are better off buying a hooker instead.

Sign up for a phone consultation to get further help developing your inner game and never waste another dime on pointless dates.

You have listened to her complain about the jerk who treated her badly countless times only to watch her go out with him again and again. All of your selfless acts fall to the wayside only to hear about her mistreatment the following week.

You are left in pit of despair and confusing as the mantra nice guys finish last repeats in your head. When will she wake up? When will she realize that there is a nice guy who will treat her the way she deserves to be treated sitting right here?

She will never realize this because you aren’t in fact a nice guy. Appearances can be deceiving and the nice guy act is one of the biggest deceptions around.

On the surface nice guys appear to be selfless, kind, caring human beings but this is far from the truth. Beneath their generous acts and humble words lurks something darker. A dark side few nice guys care to admit because nice guys aren’t really that nice.

Here is a paraphrase from the book No More Mr. Nice Guy”:

Nice Guys avoid conflict.

Nice Guys hold contempt for women.

Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority.

Nice Guys lack conviction in their opinions or beliefs. Typically they will wait and see what the popular opinion is before taking a stand. If a rift happens in the group they will wait to see who is winning before taking a side.

Nice Guys lack loyalty. They develop a chameleon like type of behavior when interacting with others. If one member of a group doesn’t like another the nice guy will take on the belief of whoever they around. One day they will talk badly of one member and the next they will reverse their opinion.

Nice Guys are dishonest. They hide their mistakes and say what they think people want to hear. They will say pretty much anything to gain the approval of others.

Nice Guys are secretive. They are so driven to seek approval that they will hide anything they believe might upset anyone.

Nice Guys are manipulative. They have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want clearly, so they feel powerless and result to manipulation.

Nice Guys are controlling in order to keep their world smooth.

Nice Guys give to get and expect some kind of reciprocation.

Nice Guys are passive-aggressive.

Nice Guys are full of rage, a rage which tends to erupt at some of the most unexpected and seemingly inappropriate times.

Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries, and instead feel like victims.

Nice Guys are attracted to people and situations that need fixing.

Nice Guys are terrible listeners because they are too busy trying to figure out how to defend themselves or fix the other person’s problem.

Nice Guys form relationships with partners who are projects or diamonds in the rough.

And Nice Guys tend to swing back and forth between the nice side and the dark side.

Reframing Being a Nice Guy

If you have found yourself in any of these qualities odds are that you are a nice guy. While nice guys do have some redeeming qualities overall they lack mature emotional balance.

Their overall theme in life is one of seeking approval. They want everyone to like them because on a fundamental level they don’t like themselves. They reach out for the approval of others because they aren’t content with their own.

They want to be liked by everyone but the truth is that NO MATTER what you do NOT EVERYONE will like you. You can’t please the entire crowd so it’s not worth the effort. There are some people that will despise you because of your desire to be liked. You are playing a game that you can never win.

Every time you try to be a nice guy at the cost of your integrity or your honesty you are hurting yourself. It may be a small little lie or agreeing with something that you don’t truly believe in but you are just making your situation worse.

Honesty, integrity and courage are at the core of confidence and high self esteem. Every time you sacrifice one of these principles you are chipping away at your self esteem. Do this long enough and there will be nothing left.

Recovering From Being Nice Guy

The first step is to become aware of your nice guy tendencies. Awareness is half the battle in conquering any issue. You can’t fix something that you don’t know is broken.

Be aware of every nice act that you preform and understand the real motivation behind it. Ask yourself did I do this just to be nice or to be liked? Did I put the needs of others above my own just for their approval? Was my nice gesture genuine or was it done with the intention of getting something in return?

On some level you understand what your motivation behind every nice act is. You know that you are doing it for approval. Your mind re-enforces these nice acts in two ways:

1. Rationalizing your behavior

2. Judging others for not doing what you do

The most common rationalization for your behavior that your mind will create is I’m just trying to be nice. Every lie, manipulation and bending over backwards for people will be rationalized by this thought.

A nice guy judges others for not being a nice as him. A martyr has a load of resentment towards people who don’t do the things that he does. They create an arrogance and draw part of their self esteem from having a better than you type of attitude.

If you look deeper into this judgment you will find jealousy. They are jealous of the people who have boundaries, aren’t self sacrificing for others and can get what they desire. They wish they could do the same but would run the risk of losing the validation they so desperately crave.

If you look at how much a nice guy judges a jerk you will see mass amounts of jealousy. He judges the jerk for the way he treats the girl, but in reality he wishes he could have her. He can’t be with her so he resorts to bitterness and taking a holier than thou route.

The second step is to drop this habit. This step can be very difficult because some of you have been practicing nice guy behaviors for most of your life. The external validation that you receive from others can become very addicting. Here are some ways you can put an end to this nice guy act:

-Start saying no to people. Write out a list of things that you do simply because you want to be liked and stop doing them. You should end up saying no to people far more than you say yes.

It’s not wrong to do for others but only if it’s done on your own terms. Help people out but only if you truly want to and without the expectation of getting something in return.

-Get your priorities in line and never break them. The needs of others should come fourth on your list of priorities below your health, integrity and your mission.

-Make honesty and integrity a priority above being liked, it will help you sleep better at night. Also become more open with your opinion and more upfront with people.

-Learn to draw your self esteem and approval from within. Being liked by others isn’t a bad thing but it becomes one when it’s your only means of feeling good about yourself.

-Develop a spine and start to stand up for yourself. It’s impossible to truly love yourself and draw self esteem from within if you are letting people walk all over you. Every time you let someone treat you badly your self esteem drops just a little bit more.

-Adopt the frame of hey, I’m not for everyone. Get used to the fact that whatever you do not everyone is going to like you. It’s ironic that once you let go of trying to get people to love you the more love you will draw into your life.

-I trust the universe to supply my abundance and prosperity. That nagging voice in the back of your head will be right when it tells you that being more authentic and honest will cause most of your friends to go bye bye. They will be upset over losing their doormat and nice guy friend who will do anything for them.Get over it and trust the universe to supply you with friends.

There will be a transition period were you will lose a good bit of your friends. By weathering the grace period you will allow better and more genuine friends to come into your life. Your life will be filled with more abundance than you can handle.

Try a 30 day challenge in order to change yournice guy behaviors. Take 30 days and completely change your behavior. Make a commitment for 30 days to standing up for yourself and not being so nice.

Tell as many people as possible so you are forced to keep this commitment. If you have a nice guy friend show him this article and make him your support buddy during this 30 day challenge.

Going full out for 30 days straight will help you change your behavior and beliefs on a deep level. At the end of the month it will be extremely difficult to go back to who you used to be. The new “not so nice guy” behaviors will be programed and ingrained into you.

You will be taking a large risk by dropping the nice guy act and it may feel safer to keep things just the way they are. So if you are satisfied with the fact that the only time a woman gets wet around you is when she is crying on your shoulder then I suggest that you continue on that path. But if you aren’t happy with your life or your success with women then I think it’s time for a change.

To get further help riding yourself of the “nice” guy within or any other issues you are having click here to sign up for a personal one on one phone consultation